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effingpot
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Hampshire, UK
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20-07-2019, 05:56 PM
721

Re: Let's have a laugh

Went swimming earlier, I had a wee in the deep end.
Lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in!
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Mr Ploppy
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Perth Western Australia, 3rd house on the right
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21-07-2019, 08:16 AM
722

Re: Let's have a laugh

Originally Posted by effingpot ->
Went swimming earlier, I had a wee in the deep end.
Lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in!
LOL, I bet you were standing on the 3-metre springboard at the time.
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Mr Ploppy
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21-07-2019, 08:18 AM
723

Re: Let's have a laugh

This one is about our Canadian friends:


Let's face it: Canadians are a rare breed.


The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
・ Californians shiver uncontrollably.
・ Canadians plant gardens.
35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
・ Italian Cars won't start
・ Canadians drive with the windows down
32° Fahrenheit (0° C)
・ American water freezes
・ Canadian water gets thicker.
0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
・ New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
・ Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
・ Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
・ Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C)
・ Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
・ Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
・ Ethyl alcohol freezes.
・ Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg
-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C)
・ Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
・ Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
・ Hell freezes over.
・ The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
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21-07-2019, 11:12 PM
724

Re: Let's have a laugh

How to start a civil war in the UK


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Richmond
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22-07-2019, 09:09 PM
725

Re: Let's have a laugh

Originally Posted by effingpot ->
Went swimming earlier, I had a wee in the deep end.
Lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in!
LOL!!!! Funny!
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Richmond
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22-07-2019, 09:10 PM
726

Re: Let's have a laugh

Originally Posted by JBR ->
How to start a civil war in the UK
This would probably do it alright!!!
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effingpot
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22-07-2019, 09:10 PM
727

Re: Let's have a laugh

Top tip for the week:

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Richmond
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22-07-2019, 09:13 PM
728

Re: Let's have a laugh

Sorry - this lengthy -- but quite funny -- and soo true!

The focus in females -- but it also affects the male of
the species!!

WARNING TO LADIES OF A CERTAIN AGE!!!
You’ve no doubt heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.
Well, my thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else’s thighs.
It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to
Mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.
My rear end was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new rear end was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I’d have to give up my jeans in favour of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One
morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary – my body was
being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to
Me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with
a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the
world wake up and smell the coffee! Those ‘plastic’ surgeons
are using REAL replacement body parts – stolen from you and Me! The next time someone you know has something ‘lifted’, Look again – was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere Every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P. S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was
lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of
bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my
waistband.

I thought this was too ‘important’ not to pass on. Have a
wonderful day – with a joy filled heart. Always remember to
Laugh!! Helps the heart AND the wrinkles!!
P.P.S. Those same thieves just came into my closet and shrank my clothes!
How do they do that????
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effingpot
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Hampshire, UK
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23-07-2019, 08:11 PM
729

Re: Let's have a laugh

A few one liners for you (more here)

If you boil down your funny bone, does it become a laughing stock? 😃

Dogs can’t read X-rays! But cats can! 😃

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised! 😃

I thought my orthopaedic shoes wouldn't work. I stand corrected! 😃

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean! 😃

My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...😃

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right! 😃
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Richmond
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23-07-2019, 09:45 PM
730

Re: Let's have a laugh

A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, “You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we’re ready to go on the trucks.”

“From now on,” he said, “we’re going to run this house the same way.” “When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we’re going to make love all night.”

The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, “Bell 1!” and his wife took off her clothes. “Bell 2,” and his wife jumped into bed. “Bell 3,” and they began to make love. After two minutes his wife yelled, “Bell 4!”

“What the hell is Bell 4?” the husband asks.

“Roll out more hose,” she replied, “you’re nowhere near the fire!
 
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