Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)
"Oh, I thowt ya could do it any day in't month as long as it's still April!"
He started quivering, and then he tried to scuttle off in a mad panic, but she stopped him.
"It's alreet owd lad. No damage done. As a matter of fact, that really would've been a brilliant April Fool's joke, if ya'd done it on't reet day! Ne' mind."
He started grinning again, relieved that she wasn't going to bop him one.
"Wockle we do today then Bel? It's a beautiful day in't it?"
"It certainly is owd lad. I'll tell ya wot. Why don't we have a nice day in yer garden and just sit in the sunshine. It's going to be a beautiful day. We can put yer Macaroni in't kitchen so we can listen to all them owd songs on it, then later I'll raid yer cupboards and make us a picnic. I brought some stuff wi' me, but we can always add to it. We can pur'a car blanket on't grass and pretend we're someweer else. How about that for a change?"
"That sounds beltin' Bel. Wor'a brilliant idea! Y'allers have good ideas you!"
"Well I've got to keep thinkin' up new stuff to keep you quiet haven't I?"
"Well aye, I suppose so. By the way Bel, how's yer two-arsed bikecycle? Is it all mended now?"
"Yeh it's mended and its nor'a two-arsed bike ya daft sod. It's called a tandem! When't weather gets really warm we'll have a day out on it. Would ya like that?"
"I would that, now tharra know I've got to peggle an' all! I didn't mean for it to get broke Bel, honest I didn't, but ya still punished me!"
"Aye well that's all behind us now in't it owd lad. That particular punishment is over with, for now!"
"Reet Bel. Let's go outside then shall we and ger'everything ready for when we have a feed!"
His eyeballs were spinning round in anticipation of another good day's hanching.
She let him go out first while she looked through the contents of his freezer and fridge. There was the usual fare. Sausages for his turn-ups, barm cakes for his shoulder pads, finger rolls to put round the brim of his cockle hat when he wore it, not to mention the bananas for the front of his trousers. There was also boiled ham, cheese, tomatoes and other butty making stuff, even though he hated salad. There was plenty there for a picnic.
She followed him outside and they sat in the sun for a couple of hours, just talking and for a change he didn't act daft.
"Am gerrin bluddy hungry Bel. When do we have summat ayte?"
"I'll go an' ger'it sorted now if ya want owd lad. You stop there and enjoy the sunshine! I'm assuming ya've had at least one brekkie today, if not two."
"That's reet owd lass! Ta muchly."
She prepared all the food, humming happily to herself, and then she put everything in containers, exactly the way you would if you were actually going to the countryside or the seaside. She even made a flask of tea for them and she placed everything in a cardboard box, which served as their hamper.
The blanket was spread out on his lawn and he sat cross-legged on it, then they delved into the packages. Bel got up again and sat in a specially reinforced garden chair for greater comfort while they listened to the radio.
"It's a pity we've no pies Bel. I luvs a meyt pie at a picnic."
"There is some pies lad. I fetched some wi' me earlier on as I thowt I'd stop and spend an hour or two wi' ya. Here y'are lad. Get that down yer throat!"
He snatched it off her greedily with both hands and shoved it down his gullet making his usual hanching and snorting sounds, but this time Bel didn't confront him about it.
She just wanted a nice, quiet, peaceful, relaxing day.
Hah, fat chance!!
"Bel, Bel help me Bel!"
She jumped. She'd just started to doze in her chair when Crusty started squawking again.
"Wot's up owd lad?"
"Look Bel, look. There's a wasp landed on th'end o' me snout!"
"Oh, is thar'all! Hang on a minute and don't move owd lad. We'll soon get shut of it. Don't move or it might sting ya!"
She got up and went into the kitchen, opened a drawer and took something out, then returned to the garden where Crusty was sitting on the ground with his eyes tight shut.
"Are ya back Bel," he asked squinting one eye open.
"I'm here lad. We'll get rid o' that wasp for ya now!"
When he saw what she had in her hands his eyes bulged in anticipation of what was about to happen, then they shut again. He was just thinking that he'd rather the wasp sting him than she get rid of it this way. She took her stance, waggled her backside like a baseball player, and aimed!
Thwack, wallop, crunch!!
"Ouch, ouch, me bluddy hooter!"
"Reet lad, April Foo'! That's getten shut of it. It'll not bother ya again!"
She went back into the kitchen and put the rolling pin back in the drawer, after first scrubbing it down, of course.
Once again she sat in her chair while Crusty held on to his bruised nose. No wonder it was a funny shape with all the things that kept happening to it.
Suddenly Bel started laughing.
"Worra ya laffing at me now fo', Bel?"
"Thee!"
"Why, worrava done this time?"
"It were when ya were wearing that bluddy owd Arab frock in't Cat and Canary t'other neet. Ya favvered Abu Hassem!"
"Oh well, Abu hassan't gor'em anymore Bel!"
They both started tittering.
"Mustafa Fart! That were good that were owd fettler!"
"How about Mustafa Crap for next time Bel, or Mustafa Pee?"
She was tittering her head off.
"That were good too lad! Yer gerrin better all't time, but ya favvered bluddy weel in thar'outfit!"
"Ta Bel! I tell ya wot though Bel. That grub ya pur'up this affy were bluddy good. I've really enjoyed me hanchin' today!"
"You enjoys yer hanchin' every day! I've never known anybody't ayte as much as you. Ya've gor'a bluddy gullet like a mine shaft!"
"Are we goin't chippy now? Ickle be just about opening!"
Paaarp!
"Why don't ya give yer bally and yer arse a rest? The more ya shoves in the more it comes out. Phew, hast been aytein' bluddy cabbage? That's wor'it smells like, ya nasty sod!"
"Not tharra can remember Bel, burra aytes all sorts. Ya cawn't expect me't remember everything I've etten in a day. Me brain's not big enough to pur'all that information in!"
"Well that's true!"
"Bel! Have ya gor'a lickle bit o' string I can have?"
"Ya've getten some in't pocket of yer owd black jacket. Wot d'ya want it for?"
"To thread it through me key so tharra can wear it round me neck, like ya said!"
"Oh, aye! Well, look in yer jacket pocket. I'm sure I felt some t'other day when I were having a quick fumble!"
"Oh reet then!"
Since she'd got rid of the wasp for him, she hadn't actually looked at him whilst they'd been chatting but as she decided it was time to take her leave, she got up and turned to face him.
"Wot the bluddy hell have ya bin doin' now? Th'owd snout's gone purple! Ya favver summat off't bluddy Muppet Show!"
"Well it's bound to have gone purple Bel. Ya whacked me one on't conk wi' me rowlin' pin!"
"Oh, aye! I'd forgetten! Well, it's been a lovely day Crusty burrave got to go now!"
"Aw, have ya got to Bel?
Paaarp, paaarp!!
"Yeh, I've got to!! See ya again soon owd lad, and try and let yer bally have a bit of a rest. Ya looks as if ya've getten a bluddy beach baw tucked away in yer nasty owd pants! Folk'll start thinkin' that ya've getten a growth!"
"Well I don't see worra can do about it Bel!"
"Try an' ayte less for a start! I thowt I could ayte, but you can ayte five more praters than a bluddy pig an' then another five on't top o' that!"
"I likes praters!"
"Oh ne' mind then! I give up. See ya again soon owd lad!"
"Bye Bel!
© Mollie M
12.04.03