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Elbee's Avatar
Elbee
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Chichester
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06-06-2017, 04:11 AM
1

My Dad has cancer and my Mum is forgetful

My Dad has was diagonosed with Prostate cancer on Friday.
He said the doctor told him 3 to 5 years then.
On Saturday he was told it was on or near his kidney and in the liver too.

Today, Tuesday, he is having a scan to see if it is in his lungs aswell.

My Mum is forgetful but in my non medical opinion does not have full on dementia. She can shop and remember her credit card pin number, and pass on a phone message, but sometimes says or asks the same thing 5 to ten times a day.

My question is, I am being "advised" by my partner and sister in law that Mum will need full time live in care when the worst happens.
No one can know the effect losing a husband she has known for 68 years will have on my 85 year old Mum until the time.

I the midst of my own not inconsiderable grief, I am being pestered to get this and that in place now as Mum "wont cope on her own." I have even been accused of being in denial.
Just because her fridge was full of way past use by date things Dec 2016 unopened litre of milk and 6 month old pineapple juice!
I had a large clear out threw it all away. Dad was cross and Mum got stressed but likes it now she can see what there is.

Has anyone any advice for me on,
1 How to cope with someone you love who has cancer.
2 How to help someone who needs a bit of help but is not helpless.
3 How to get my brother to do his share.

I retired early. My sister is estranged from my parents which is frustrating as she lives 20mins away, I am 120 miles away. My sister does like to boss and dictate and would stress Mum out. Mum doesnt want her to come, Dad doesnt wantbher at his funeral.

My brother works on freelance , albeit for the same firm for 20 years, and doesnt seem to want to share the care, taking mum to hospital and keeping her company, although he is now coming for hopefully two days so I can go home, get some clear clothes and see my partner and cats for 40 hours. I spoke with him for the first time in 7 years on Saturday.

I have not had anyone close family die, apart from gran who was 96 when she died in her care home in 2000. Now it looks like everyone, even including my cats will be gone in the next ten years.

I am at my wits end and cant cope, yet have to hide all this andbe strong for my Mum and Dad,
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Cass
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06-06-2017, 06:42 AM
2

Re: My Dad has cancer and my Mum is forgetful

Hi there I hear you . It is terrible news that you have heard and reeling from that shock you are now being bombarded by (most likely) well meaning people who are overwhelming you.

Your dads diagnoses in in the hands of the medical team, let them do their jobs and help your dad chose the path best suited to him.

Your mum might or might not have dementia who knows , unless she is tested she could ( I say this lovingly)just be a bit scatter brained.

There are so many forms of dementia starting with mild cognitive impairment an almost non progressive type of general forgetfulness right through to the dreaded Alzhiemers.
She might feel ok if she had a home help , someone who would pop in a couple of times a week help with heavy cleaning such as bathrooms windows making beds etc and keep an eye on those over date fridge items which I have to tell you I find in 90% of older peoples fridges..Its a waste not want not thing.

Your best option to find the help you need is to get in touch with their local council or social services dept. At 85 and with your dads health problems I dont think there should be a problem.
This is not a betrayal, so dont feel guilty.

As for invisibles ( thats what we call unseen but interfering relatives) there is nothing you can do , cut them loose and dont bother to even waste time thinking about them it will drain the energy you need to get things sorted for yourself and your parents..

good luck
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06-06-2017, 07:19 AM
3

Re: My Dad has cancer and my Mum is forgetful

Elbee your Dad may have three to five years left which is a fair time and as he is elderly the cancer may progress slowly my husbands auntie had cancer for years before she eventually died at 98 .Whatever happens this is out of your hands and this as Cass says in her wise and kind post any action will be on the advice of his medical team.
Your Mum doesn't sound as if she has dementia my fridge and cupboards were full of stuff I had a clean out last year and some things were only seven years past their sell by date .My land line is used principally for my to phone up my mobile as I don't know where it is .
You must be gentle on yourself this comes to us all .
Do your best for your Mum and Dad and cross each bridge as it comes .
Xx
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06-06-2017, 07:32 AM
4

Re: My Dad has cancer and my Mum is forgetful

Elbee wait until nearer the time.
TessA
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06-06-2017, 07:54 AM
5

Re: My Dad has cancer and my Mum is forgetful

Elbee, firstly I'm very sorry to hear of your troubles.
It seems like your Dad's cancer has spread further than first thought and has less time than hoped, sorry if I misunderstood this.
If it was me I would look to find as much non -family help as possible.
Take your Mum to the doctors and have a proper assessment done, at least you'll know for sure then how well she will cope on her own.
Go to Citizen's Advice, they know exactly what help is out there and how to access it
I wouldn't even tell your siblings until you have a clear picture and have put things in place.
If they then want to interfere you can tell them you have done everything advised and are not changing things to suit them.
I hope this helps, wishing you well, keep yourself healthy and do what you believe is best! X
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06-06-2017, 08:03 AM
6

Re: My Dad has cancer and my Mum is forgetful

Elbee, From you post I get the impression that you are struggling to to deal with this situation, but it seems that you are the only person that will.
You love your parents and will do your best for them, even though you probably don't know what is the best. I would suggest that you speak to Dad's medical team, to establish what you can expect to happen and also seek advice from a Cancer support team, because they will understand the emotional problems you are going through. When I had cancer, talking to people,who had been through it too, really helped and gave me the strength to deal with it.
Despite some differences in your family, I would make sure that they all know the situation and let them make their own decisions on how to deal with it.... because they wont be able to mend their relationship with Dad after he has gone.
Get the doctor to establish what is really causing your mum to be forgetful and ask what can be done to help her. We sometimes need help in making decisions for our elderly relatives, so we can strike a balance between our knowledge of what they need and where we can get some help.
My most important advice to you is, make sure you have time for yourself or you will become less able to cope. I wish you well.
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06-06-2017, 08:05 AM
7

Re: My Dad has cancer and my Mum is forgetful

There are voluntary services that take people to hospital and stay with them & bring them back.

There is a voluntary befriending service that will arrange a 'friend' to visit & chat once a week.

I know this is only like a drop in the ocean but you can't do it on your own - Contact your local volunteer bureau and social services - see what help is out there.

Personally I would encourage my parents to move into a warden controlled bungalow or flat where someone is there to keep an eye on them.
Of course it would be a massive upheaval and they would have to go and stay with someone while you and others did all the work of moving for them.

I don't see this being possible without the help of your siblings. It's a sad situation.
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06-06-2017, 08:39 AM
8

Re: My Dad has cancer and my Mum is forgetful

Originally Posted by Elbee ->
My Dad has was diagonosed with Prostate cancer on Friday.
He said the doctor told him 3 to 5 years then.
On Saturday he was told it was on or near his kidney and in the liver too.

Today, Tuesday, he is having a scan to see if it is in his lungs aswell.

My Mum is forgetful but in my non medical opinion does not have full on dementia. She can shop and remember her credit card pin number, and pass on a phone message, but sometimes says or asks the same thing 5 to ten times a day.

My question is, I am being "advised" by my partner and sister in law that Mum will need full time live in care when the worst happens.
No one can know the effect losing a husband she has known for 68 years will have on my 85 year old Mum until the time.

I the midst of my own not inconsiderable grief, I am being pestered to get this and that in place now as Mum "wont cope on her own." I have even been accused of being in denial.
Just because her fridge was full of way past use by date things Dec 2016 unopened litre of milk and 6 month old pineapple juice!
I had a large clear out threw it all away. Dad was cross and Mum got stressed but likes it now she can see what there is.

Has anyone any advice for me on,
1 How to cope with someone you love who has cancer.
2 How to help someone who needs a bit of help but is not helpless.
3 How to get my brother to do his share.

I retired early. My sister is estranged from my parents which is frustrating as she lives 20mins away, I am 120 miles away. My sister does like to boss and dictate and would stress Mum out. Mum doesnt want her to come, Dad doesnt wantbher at his funeral.

My brother works on freelance , albeit for the same firm for 20 years, and doesnt seem to want to share the care, taking mum to hospital and keeping her company, although he is now coming for hopefully two days so I can go home, get some clear clothes and see my partner and cats for 40 hours. I spoke with him for the first time in 7 years on Saturday.

I have not had anyone close family die, apart from gran who was 96 when she died in her care home in 2000. Now it looks like everyone, even including my cats will be gone in the next ten years.

I am at my wits end and cant cope, yet have to hide all this andbe strong for my Mum and Dad
,


Elbee, I am so sorry to hear of your sad news. .

I think the other ladies have already given you some good advice, especially don't rush. You only found out about this on Friday, so ease up a little, be kind to yourself, you have plenty of time yet. Better to think with a clear mind and not be rushed.

Who are these people ordering you what to do and to get everything in order? Not the 'missing' relatives by any chance? Not the ones who won't do anything to help - bloomin' cheek!

I have a rough idea of what you are going through regarding no help. I have been through it myself with my Mum. Ever since Dad died I looked after my Mum, then she was diagnosed with cancer and I was the only one who would look after her. My brother and his wife put in an appearance about every six months, and even then didn't lift a finger. A long and hard slog it was, but I loved her.

We are always here if you want to unburden, you are not quite as alone as you felt when you wrote this. X
Julie1962
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06-06-2017, 11:06 AM
9

Re: My Dad has cancer and my Mum is forgetful

I'd suggest as others have take your time, look after yourself, you have to get it all straight in your head before doing anything else. We coped by asking my parents to move in, we found caring for them both was easier if they were close. But that may not be possible I accept for you.
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Elbee
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Chichester
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 245
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08-06-2017, 06:20 AM
10

Re: My Dad has cancer and my Mum is forgetful

Thank you so much for taking the trouble to reply with your kind and helpful comments.

The latest prognonis is it may not be prostate cancer it my be rectal which is worse.
It isn't kidney cancer which is good, he had a lymph node tumour near his kidney the only lymph one he has, which is better? Not sure.
He has liver cancer which is bad but...............
His lung CT came back 100% clear which is a hell of a relief.
His bone CT scan came back clear, but they are doing another one today with some injection that attaches to any tumours in the bones so they show up. I am personally confident this is a make sure scan rather that it will show up anything.
So I have bounced from, "after the scans he can come home" (Wednesday) which I interpreted as "they are sending him home to die nothing can be done - 12 weeks - to with drugs, even without Chemo, he could have a good chance of a year maybe two. If he can stand chemo and goes through it, he could have 3 to 8 years (his words). The lovely doctor told me it was too early to give percentages or treatment choices which I think we will be told about next week.

My Mum has surprised me. See is much more worse when it is not just me with her, and this is as we are going through all this. It was refreshing to learn that quite a few on here have historic food in their fridge too!
I didn't know about volunteer be frienders and will look at this.
There are a couple of nice locals who my Dad knows but my Mum doesn't and I want to encourage Dad to have them come round for coffee once or twice a week and perhaps introduce them to others in the village so Mum will have plenty of people to help her when the time comes and I am not here. I don't want her to go more than a day without talking to someone.

My brother finally surfaced today. He had said he would take Mum to see Dad at 2pm. WE left at 4.20pm and he got to the hospital. at 5.15pm and then went home afterwards!
I must go home today for a few days and my brother is coming to see Mum on Saturday afternoon, probably only to take her to the hospital.
At least I know it will all be down to me much as I had thought.
It is good that after years of asking there is a power of attorney in place.

My sister cannot be told and neither of them want anything to do with her. I tried but must respect their wishes.

So what now?
I will nibble away at getting Mum some new friends.
I will look into things like "HomeShare" which looks promising.
I will visit much more, at least twice a month to make the most of the time we have together and to gradually learn what Dad does, so that I can do it when the time comes. It took me over an hour to sort out what medication Mum has and when she was supposed to take it and order her some more!

If I had the patient NHS password I could have done the prescription stuff at the click of a mouse!

They are both too old to move now. They love their house and when and if the need arises, Mum can live downstairs and her live in help upstairs.

Thank you all so much for your kind replies, you are right, I need to look after myself, so its a prostate antengen test for me next week and get the doctor to look again at the lump under my arm which I have had for 6 years, but last night I found another one below it!
 
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