Re: Jokes for blokes

A missionary was sent to live with a primitive native tribe that lived in the depths of the jungle. He spent several years with the people, during which time he taught them English and how to read and write.

He also taught them the Christian ways of the white man, and one thing that he stressed in particular was the evil of sexual sin, namely no adultery and no fornication.

One day, the wife of one of the tribe's noblemen gave birth to a child, but to everyone's horror the child was white. Not surprisingly, this caused a veritable stir in the village.

The chief sent for the missionary and said, "You have taught us the evils of sexual sin, but here is a black woman who gave birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has been in the village for many years. What is the explanation?"

The missionary said, "No, my good man, you are mistaken. This is a natural occurrence, what we English call an albino. Nature does this on some occasions. For example, look at that flock of sheep. They are all white except among them, look, there is one black sheep."

The chief thought it over for a moment, called the missionary forwards, and whispered in his ear, "OK. Tell you what. You don't say anything about the black sheep, and I won't say anything about the white child."

Re: Jokes for blokes

My brother's a tight-fisted Yorkshireman/Scotsman (delete as appropriate).

He gives his children £1 each instead of an evening meal, then charges them £2 for breakfast.

I went round the other day and found him stripping the wallpaper. He wasn't redecorating; he was moving.

Re: Jokes for blokes

What's pink and wrinkled and hangs out your pants? Your mum.

Re: Jokes for blokes

It was a Scotsman

Re: Jokes for blokes

Who invented copper wire?

A Yorkshireman and a Scotsman arguing over a penny.

Re: Jokes for blokes

Then there was Paddy. He couldn't understand why he had three brothers while his sister had four.

Re: Jokes for blokes

What do Catherine the Great, Attila the Hun and Bozo the Clown have in common?



Think about it.



See if you can work it out before looking at the answer.












































Answer:

Same middle name.

Re: Jokes for blokes

A ship sank and there were only five survivors - four men and one woman. They were washed up on a desert island, where they set about building a shelter and finding food.

After a few weeks the natural urges of the men started to take hold, so with the agreement of the woman they decided that each should have the right to have sex with her for a week at a time.

This worked well for a few years - the men and the woman were satisfied with the arrangement.

Then the woman died. The men took it badly - the first month was awful, the second even worse and the third month was almost unbearable.

By the fourth month they couldn't take it any more - so they buried her.

Re: Jokes for blokes

A salesman stopped at an isolated farmhouse to see if he could get a bed for the night.

"Sure," said the farmer, "but you must share a bed with my daughter, and you mustn't bother her."

The man agreed and went upstairs. As he slipped into bed, he felt the body of the farmer's daughter next to him.

The next morning he went to pay the farmer for his night's stay. "It will be £2 as you had to share," said the farmer.

"Your daughter was very cold," said the salesman, handing over the money.

"Yes," replied the farmer, "we're going to bury her today."

Re: Jokes for blokes

SOME SLANG DEFINITIONS

AEROPLANE BLONDE = One who has bleached/dyed hair, but still has a black box.

AUSSIE KISS = Similar to a French kiss, but given down under.

BOFOC = Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

GREYHOUND = A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

IGNORANUS = A person who's both stupid and an arsehole.

MILLENNIUM DOMES = The contents of a Wonderbra: extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nothing in there worth seeing.

OSTEOPORNOSIS = A degenerate disease.

SALAD DODGER = An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

TESTICULATING = Waving your arms about and talking bollocks.

BIGAMIST = A fog over Italy.

CONDOM = An item to be worn on every conceivable occasion.

COPULATE = What an Italian police chief says to a constable who doesn't get to work on time.

MISTRESS = Something between a mister and a mattress.