Re: Grand Slam of Farts
Ahhh, that does resonate with me,
I don’t know about you but I do not like using a public toilet especially when I need to do a jobby, and what makes it even worse is when the only available trap is the centre one, the ones either side being already occupied
I was at Asda many moons ago, when I felt felt an urgent need to ease springs as we say in the army, so off I pop into the lav and I am confronted with using the centre trap!
As soon as I sat down, I knew it was going to register quite highly on the Beaufort scale. I could feel that there were about 250 cubic feet of wind , waiting cheekily for the first chicken nugget to fall out, so that they could quickly announce their arrival.
What to do? It may surprise you, but I’m a bit coy about bum burping loudly within earshot of strangers.
Should I play the waiting game? The bloke on my left was making no noise at all and was therefore unpredictable. The bloke on the right was reading a paper, I couldn’t wait as my brain was well aware of its surroundings and was already exhorting my botty, via the central nervous system, to release the hounds.
Then as if by magic on the door to my immediate front there appeared a burning finger which wrote,
‘ Rehab, my son, I find that the key to negotiating any tricky social situation is confidence; you can pull anything off so long as you act confidently and in the knowledge that YOU are the man.
Thus: ‘Do it loud and proud. Moan with pleasure, loudly implore Odin to help you evacuate, bang the sides of the cubicle , scream like a tortured duck. That's how I do it - not only does it add to the moment, but after a while people will see you doing the walk to the bog and will avoid the place for at least half an hour. You will forever dump alone. You are the Chosen One’
So I did.