09-02-2021, 09:04 PM
1972
Re: Let's have a laugh
My wife phoned me while she was away."How's the baby?" she asked. "Have you changed her nappy today?"
I said, "No, I haven't changed it all week, in fact."
"What? Why the hell have you not changed our baby's nappy? It's been five days!!!"
I said, "Because it says 4-6 months on the packet."
11-02-2021, 05:07 PM
1974
Re: Let's have a laugh
Old, but funny ...The Middle Wife by an anonymous 2nd grade teacher.
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe'.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
11-02-2021, 05:10 PM
1975
Re: Let's have a laugh
These places do exist - really ...Bell End, Worcestershire
Brown Willy, Cornwall
Boggy Bottom, Hertfordshire
Twatt, Orkney
Nob End, Lancashire
Fanny Barks, Durham
Scratchy Bottom, Dorset
Minge Lane, Worcestershire
Dicks Mount, Suffolk
Crotch Crescent, Oxford
11-02-2021, 05:42 PM
1976
Re: Let's have a laugh
Originally Posted by Percy Vere
->
These places do exist - really ...Bell End, Worcestershire
Brown Willy, Cornwall
Boggy Bottom, Hertfordshire
Twatt, Orkney
Nob End, Lancashire
Fanny Barks, Durham
Scratchy Bottom, Dorset
Minge Lane, Worcestershire
Dicks Mount, Suffolk
Crotch Crescent, Oxford
Can you imagine putting one of those on your application form for anything serious?
11-02-2021, 07:29 PM
1977
Re: Let's have a laugh
Originally Posted by Percy Vere
->
These places do exist - really ...Bell End, Worcestershire
Brown Willy, Cornwall
Boggy Bottom, Hertfordshire
Twatt, Orkney
Nob End, Lancashire
Fanny Barks, Durham
Scratchy Bottom, Dorset
Minge Lane, Worcestershire
Dicks Mount, Suffolk
Crotch Crescent, Oxford
Some crackers there. When I worked for a spell in Newfoundland we went on a run which took us past Conception Bay and then through Dildo and Come by Chance. The original settlers must have had a sense of humour...
11-02-2021, 08:28 PM
1978
Re: Let's have a laugh
Originally Posted by percy vere
->
these places do exist - really ...Bell end, worcestershire
brown willy, cornwall
boggy bottom, hertfordshire
twatt, orkney
nob end, lancashire
fanny barks, durham
scratchy bottom, dorset
minge lane, worcestershire
dicks mount, suffolk
crotch crescent, oxford
11-02-2021, 08:35 PM
1979
Re: Let's have a laugh
Originally Posted by percy vere
->
old, but funny ...The middle wife by an anonymous 2nd grade teacher.
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story i know is the one i saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When i was a kid, i loved show-and-tell. So i always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And i never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'this is luke, my baby brother, and i'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'first, mom and dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then dad put a seed in my mom's stomach, and luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
she's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and i'm trying not to laugh and wishing i had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'then, about two saturdays ago, my mom starts going, 'oh, oh, oh, oh!' erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'she walked around the house for, like an hour, 'oh, oh, oh!' (now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'my dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the domino's man. They got my mom to lie down in bed like this.' (then erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'and then, pop! My mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (this kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)'then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe'.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'
then erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
Thank for the laughs!!
11-02-2021, 08:48 PM
1980
Re: Let's have a laugh
Originally Posted by Percy Vere
->
These places do exist - really ...Bell End, Worcestershire
Brown Willy, Cornwall
Boggy Bottom, Hertfordshire
Twatt, Orkney
Nob End, Lancashire
Fanny Barks, Durham
Scratchy Bottom, Dorset
Minge Lane, Worcestershire
Dicks Mount, Suffolk
Crotch Crescent, Oxford
Tweebuffelsmeteenskootmorsdoodgeskietfontein - South Africa
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