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18-12-2011, 01:16 AM
21

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Great read Mollie......loved the crotch race in hospital

Miss Golden Thighs eh?
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18-12-2011, 01:38 AM
22

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )



I'm a bit late tonight putting the next one on, but I'll do it in a minute. I've been reading ahead again. It's been so long since I wrote these that even I've forgotten about some of the things he got up to.
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18-12-2011, 01:41 AM
23

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

You must be enjoying reading them again Mollie I'll have to read the next chapter tomorrow as am off up the wooden hill now, even if I do live in a bungalow
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18-12-2011, 01:45 AM
24

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

59

Crusty Shows Off His Gharstly Black Jacket
(and Who's the Bel of the Ball!)



Bel phoned Crusty several times the following day, Saturday, to make sure he was okay and convinced herself that he was settling himself back into the old routine. She was planning a few treats for him to make him feel better and, apart from the trip to Southport on Sunday, had a few ideas up her sleeve.

That evening she got herself ready for the fancy dress do at The Cat and The Canary. This was going to be such fun. Even though it was only a pub, it was a very posh pub and they'd arranged for live entertainment that night. It was a big place but well set out, and it would be easy for a group to set their gear up on one side of the room without taking up too much seating, as there was a small stage. The group that had been booked for that night were called Foxy Vixens and they were a girl trio with backing tapes, said to be very good.

She put on the costume she'd made up from old clothes from different eras that she hadn't had the heart to throw out. They all still fitted her as she'd always been on the large side, but the last time she'd worn some of these she was comparatively much younger. About thirty years younger to be precise!

It didn't matter for tonight though, as the prize would be going to the Worst Dress Sense Fancy Dress so the wilder and more hideous the better, leaving the most tortured brain to go into over-drive for one night only!

The Cat and the Canary pub was many light years away from most of the places she went to with Crusty, as this was extremely upmarket. There was no pond life in there. There were no nasty-mouthed teenagers. In fact, the only people who frequented that place were the exceptionally wealthy types.

It wasn't really a pub in the traditional sense, but more of a private club. You had to have a car or other transport to get to it as it was off the beaten track. To find it you had to turn down just the right little unmarked country lane and drive for a couple of miles where the road opened up a little into a sweeping driveway. You would hardly know the lane was there as it was overhung with trees and branches. It looked more like a black hole in some hedges. At the end, was what appeared on the surface to be a huge private house so unless you knew it was a pub you'd turn round and think that you'd gone the wrong way. There were no flashing neon lights, nor was there a sign hanging outside either, so there was nothing at all in its appearance to assume it was anything but someone's fine home.

She was just turning her car into the little secret country lane when her mobile rang, so she pulled the car over, put the handbrake on and cut the engine then answered the phone.

"Good evening, this is Crustabel Leek .....!"

"Hiya Bel. Just thowt I'd gi' thi' a ring to see how yer goin' on at yer fancy dress do!"

"Hello Crusty. I've not getten there yet burram on me way. It doesn't start till eight o'clock anyway!"

"Oh reet. Wor'ave ya gor'on for yer fancy dress then?"

"I can't explain now Crusty. There'll be somebody taking photos so wait till they've been developed an' I'll show ya then. Alreet?"

"Are ya gerrin angry wi' me for phonin' ya Bel, only ya sounds mad again?"

She counted to three.

"No I'm not mad at ya lad. Are ya okay? Yer leg's not giving ya gyp is it?"

"No it's alreet as I've been restin' it like ya towd me!"

"Good lad. Which phone are ya ringin' me on?"

"Me new mobile Bel. It's a lickle belter this an'a can ger'all sorts on it!"

"Wot d'ya mean all sorts?"

"Well different things."

"Alreet, you carry on playin' wi' yer phone burrall be keepin' a check on it! Don't forget I'm paying for't phone calls so be careful how ya use it!"

"Okay Bel. See ya Bel, bye!" he said, cringing.

Then he sniggered and dialled Miss Thighs' number again.

Bel hoped Crusty wasn't going to moider her all night long, and that he was remembering to switch his phone off when he'd finished.

She walked into the pub and, on doing so, everyone turned to see what she was wearing. A large crowd by the door folded up laughing at her outfit when they saw her and she grinned back at them.

"Oh Bel, daaarhling. What an absolutely gharstly ensemble!"

"Why thank you Henrietta. May I say your outfit is just too disastrous for words!"

They stood there snickering.

A passing waiter offered Bel a glass of champagne cocktail from his tray which she took and thanked him for then, sipping it slowly, surveyed the room from the advantage of her height.

There were some of the loudest, vilest, weirdest outfits she'd ever set eyes on and she silently applauded everyone for playing the game and joining in. Nobody was dressed "normally" tonight. It was great.

-oo0oo-

Crusty finished his phone call which had lasted twenty five minutes, and now stood in the middle of his living room, home alone and rocking on his ankles with his thumb in his mouth again wondering what to do with himself next.

He didn't realise that those phone calls were charged at one pound fifty per minute!!

Who's gonna ger'a good pasting then eh?

When he'd come out of hospital, Bel had given him the cheap mobile phone and had stored both of her numbers in. She'd taught Crusty how to use it and told him only to phone her in an emergency, like if he'd broken his scummy neck or something!

He liked his little phone which he could take with him anywhere, even to the lav, and because he was fed up he decided to ring Bel again later for another chin wag. He'd found a few people he could have a chin wag with on this phone and tell his tales to. They didn't seem to mind listening either!

Oh oh!

Crustabel was working the room expertly as she always did, mingling and chattering easily with the others. She was a well-respected customer and was also well liked.

"Bel, daaarhling. I haven't seen you in an absolute lifetime daaarhling. What have you been up to?" gushed a woman behind her.

Bel recognised the voice and pulled her face.

"The reason you haven't seen me, daaarhling, is because I've been avoiding you!"

"Oh Bel don't be silly daaarhling. Now," she said, linking Bel through the arm and walking off with her, "I want to know just everything that you've been up to. How are your businesses doing?"

"Very well thank you for asking, but if you'll excuse me I've just seen someone I like!"

Crustabel's phone rang again just then and, with that, she extricated herself from the bloody awful busy-bodying gossip and moved to the other side of the room.

"Hello Crustab ........!"

"Hiya Bel!"

Bel moved into a quieter corner.

"Wot the bluddy 'ell do you want again?"

"Oh nowt really, just wanted to hear yer voice Bel!"

"Well ya've heerd it, neh bog off ya moidering owd fart!"

"Okay Bel, anything ya say B ......."

She cut him off.

He only wanted someone to talk to as he was lonely.

Wor'a bluddy shame!

Tongue dangling out again, he punched in another number that he read carefully from a magazine. It only rung once and was answered.

"Well hello sexy! This is Jake the Snake speaking. What can I do for you tonight?"

Crusty sniggered down the phone.

Oh boy!

-oo0oo-

Bel's costume was magnificent. It was a mixture of late sixties/early seventies glam rock type flower power sort of thing. She was wearing shocking pink flares with a yellow paisley pattern and a matching top with angel sleeves, her blond hair was piled up on the top of her head in a beehive and she wore black eye shadow and mascara like Dusty Springfield used to do.

Her feet were clad in huge silver platform boots with heels the height of the Eiffel Tower and over the top of her clothing she wore an owd moth-etten mock fur waistcoat like Sonny and Cher used to wear. She was at least six foot four in the boots and looked horrendous.

She looked great!

By far and away she was wearing the wackiest outfit of the ladies section, mainly due to her magnificent build. Most of the other ladies feigned from wearing anything but Armani and Gucci, but all put together wrongly and colours clashing, if you see what I mean, just so long as it had a designer label inside.

Bel didn't care a bugger what anyone thought about her outfit. They all knew that normally when she came to this establishment she wore only the nicest clothes she could, taking her size into consideration.

She went to the bar and ordered herself a lime and soda. She loved to have a drink now and again, but she'd come by car so she had to watch what she had in the way of alcohol.

Whilst she was waiting for the barman to come back with her drink, a small man quietly sidled up beside her. The top of his bald head only came up to her chest and when he spoke he made her jump.

"Hello you great big beautiful girl, tally ho what! My word you're a bonny woman Bel. Haven't seen you around for a while old girl. Not trying to avoid me are you? Upon my soul, you look ravishing in that costume. Just reminds me of when I was in my teens!"
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18-12-2011, 01:52 AM
25

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

"In your teens, Frederick? You mean in your dreams and get your hand off my arse. You must have been at least forty five when these clothes were in fashion!"

"Crusta - Bell! Ding-a-ling, ding dong!" he said, winking at her wickedly and snuggling up too close for comfort.

"Get out of my face you crazy old fool! I'm not in the least bit interested in you so leave me alone. Oh, I say, isn't that your wife I can see talking to Henrietta? Oh Cass! Cassandra!! If you're looking for your beloved he's over here!"

Frederick scuttled off in the opposite direction to avoid the missus, as he could tell Bel was getting a little agitated with his presence. He knew she was a force to be reckoned with and they'd locked horns a time a two at business conferences when his business was involved with one of hers a couple of years before. She'd got her own way then as well!

-oo0oo-

Crusty's taxi pulled up outside 13 Bakewell Drive!

He climbed in and told the driver his destination then, on their way there, proceeded to moider the poor man to death by telling him all about his exploits and how he came to be on a "crotch", and why he couldn't drive his own car, and that he'd been chucked out of an aeroplane, etc, etc, ad nauseum.

The Cat and the Canary had taken some finding, so by the time they'd reached the place the driver had a banging headache and radioed in to say he was finishing his shift early!

Crusty had decided to go out tonight for a drink having found a twenty pound note in his old brown pants pockets, so he'd put them on and some of his other bestest clothes. It's not like Crusty to forget about twenty quid! He managed to have a wash and shave but it was too "complicated" on one crutch to have a shower.

He couldn't walk very far on his own so he'd decided to treat himself to a taxi for once, realising he'd have to spend a few bob on paying the driver. Still it was going to be worth it! He knew he'd be able to scrounge a lift back.

This was to be a nice surprise for his beloved!!

He togged himself out in his owd brown pants, into the turn-ups of which he'd placed a new supply of sausages in case he got hungry. He put on an ugly orange shirt, a yellow tie with pictures of Donald Duck on it then the OBJ was brought out of hiding. Then, oh boy, he put his shocking pink braces on over the TOP of the OBJ. Lastly he donned the famed owd black jacket and made sure his barm cakes were secured in place under the shoulders, and he also stuck a banana in his pocket. The only shoes he could get on at the moment were his old black smelly vinyl boots.

It was perfect timing! By the time he was ready his taxi was standing at the door.

He was now clambering out of the car and managed to scrounge just enough change from his pocket to pay the beleaguered driver. There was no tip for the poor bugger though, and he felt as if he'd gone through a mincer with Crusty babbling in his ear!

Crusty walked through the doors into the nice warm friendly atmosphere of the pub and almost brought the house down. He liked it here. He'd never been here before, but he'd heard all about it from Bel. Many people turned to stare at his unfamiliar face and when they saw his clothing they all started chuckling, pointing and giggling. It was the old black jacket. It did it every time but Crusty thought it was all eyes for him, not the jacket, but you just couldn't help but notice it.

As usual it was off the shoulders and arranged scruffily about his person showing what he had on underneath. It was made to look even worse (if that's at all possible) with the crutch under his right armpit as that just shoved the shoulder into a more ridiculous shape. It favvered a camel's hump!

The room was packed and Crusty shambled around aimlessly. He whisked a champagne cocktail off the tray of one of the waiters, took a quick guzzle and gargled with it at the back of his throat and swallowed it. He pulled his face and then put the glass and the remainder of its contents down again on the tray of another passing waiter.

"'ave ya no beer 'ere?" he asked.

"Beer sir? Yes we have beer. If you'd like to sit yourself down sir you'll be more comfortable, and I'll go and bring a glass for you."

"Ooooh ta! Ger'us a pint lad will ya?" he said, fishing in his pockets for more coppers.

"A pint, yes sir. That'll be three pounds sixty four pence please sir!"

He had eight pounds and a few more coppers on him thinking that he could get two or three pints which would last him the night. The taxi had cost him eleven fifty!

"Thackle be how much? Three pound sixty four? I'll not be all bluddy day! I could buy a bluddy brewery wi' that! That's disgusteratin'!"

"I'm sorry sir but that's the cost of a pint of beer in this establishment."

"I'm nor'a bluddy millionaire ya know!"

"No sir, I can see that sir. How about a nice glass of water instead?"

"I don't want any watter. I can get watter out o' me tap a'wom!" said Crusty, spitting out his dummy again and folding his arms across his belly.

He'd started yet another commotion, and a few people turned to see what the problem was, but he went silent when it was announced that three young ladies were about to appear for their entertainment so Crusty sat himself more comfortably, with a glass of water that the waiter brought.

Well, it was free!

The lights were dimmed and the three girls came out wearing beautiful spangled mini costumes. Crusty's eyes boinged out of his head on springs, and his tongue flopped down on his chin, a wide grin splitting his face in half.

After about four songs, the girls asked if there was anyone in the audience who would like to join them in a dance routine and do backing vocals, just for a bit of fun. Nobody moved but everyone, especially the men, were grinning like loons wanting to, but not daring to. They were trying to egg each other on and gave each other a friendly shove but nobody volunteered.

Except for Crusty.

"I'll help y'out lass, I'm used to bein' up on stage!" he called out, rising shakily on his crutch and limping over to where they were set up.

The girls went into peels of laughter when he joined them. They patted him hard on the right shoulder flattening his egg mayo barm and told him his outfit was brilliant.

The music started and Crusty stood where he'd been placed behind the girls and tried to follow their complicated dance routine the best he could, considering his disability.

At least he was game for a bit of a giggle.

"Monkey do what monkey see!" thought Bel from the back of the room with her arms folded and her lips pursed once again.

The audience were in fits of laughter and giggles watching his antics and then built up with renewed hilarity when he joined in the backing:

"Ya can ring me Bel, el, el
Ring me Bel"

He was shuffling from side to side on one leg and crutch and trying to look normal.

They loved those horrible little boots he was wearing, and some of them even thought they could hear the sound of squishing and squelching, or was it splishing and splashing, although they couldn't be sure. Everybody was thoroughly enjoying watching him hop about like a demented toad.

Well, almost everybody.

After he'd finished, a few people came up to him and patted him on the left shoulder, totally destroying the corned beef and piccalilli barm cake underneath.

By now he'd started to stink of egg, beef, sausages, and sweaty feet from trying to sing and dance. And don't forget, he always keeps his lucky half a kipper in his pocket as well as the slightly festering banana he'd put in there earlier.

Suddenly, for some inexplicable reason, he found himself all alone so he sat down at a table wondering what to do next.

Feeling a bit sorry for him, Frederick then came and sat down and asked him what line of work he was in.

"Oh am into all sorts o' things me!" said Crusty, tapping his huge hooter.

"Aha! You're an entrepreneur are you? Dabble in a bit of this and dabble in a bit of that? Say no more, old boy!" said Frederick giving him a nudge and a wink.

Realising he now had another kind of audience Crusty puffed himself up full of his own importance once again.

"Oh aye. A bit o' this an' a bit o' that! Piloting planes, surgery, helmsman, all sorts!"

"What a talented fellow you are! I say old boy," said Frederick enthusiastically, "I think your outfit is absolutely splendid. How did you come up with it?"

"Me outfit. Am not really sure wot yer on about burrave had this jacket for a long while!"

"Oh yes I can see that old boy. Do you normally do your gardening in it? It's not a designer I'm familiar with. It's not Yves St Laurent or Armani, but I'll give you this much old chap, you've got a brass neck wearing something like that, especially in here! Good on you, fair play to you. You deserve to win wearing an outfit like that."

Win?

"Brass Neck's in't Dandy innit? I read it every week!"

Frederick then got up and whooshed away moidering somebody else.

Crusty being a bit dim and slow on the uptake took several seconds before the penny dropped.

"Hang on a minute! Am not wearing fancy ....."

Frederick had disappeared.

Just then, a pint of beer appeared before him by the same waiter he'd had an exchange with earlier.

"Wossat?" asked Crusty.

"A pint of our best bitter sir!"

"Burra cawn't afford to pay for it wi' your bluddy prices so tek it away. I'll manage wi' me watter."

"It's alright sir. It's been paid for!" he said, then turned on his heel and left Crusty with the pint on the table and his nose stuck deeply in the froth.
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18-12-2011, 01:55 AM
26

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

"Worra tryin' to do now? Drink it like a bluddy elephant? In fact, tha' favvers Pinnochio come to think of it! It's gerrin bigger an' bigger that snout o' thine and thi' yed's gerrin smaller!"

"Bel, Bel there y'are! I've bin lookin' all over for ya'." he said thrilled to bits.

"I know, I've seen yer yed scanning round!"

"But why didn't ya let me know ya'd seen me then?"

"Because I didn't want anybody to know I knew ya, ya daft owd rat bag an'a were hopin' ya'd bugger off. Neh, worra ya doin' here?" she replied sitting down.

"Are ya mad at me again Bel? Are ya goin't gi' me a punch?"

A few people turned round and stared on hearing this.

"Sssh! Not yet. Maybe later. Worra ya doin' here I said?" she demanded through clenched teeth.

"I were bored on me own an'a got fed up o' talkin' to that lady on't phone so I gor'a taxi and came here to surprise ya! Is it nor'a nice surprise Bel?"

"Wot lady? Oh ne' mind, yer here now burra warn ya, ya'd better't be on yer best behaviour and nor'act daft!"

"Okay Bel. Bel, Bel did ya see me up on't stage wi' them lickle lasses?"

"Yes I did!"

"It's funny yer not mad at me for doin' that Bel only because I couldn't find ya I thowt pr'aps ya'd gone wom, so I thowt I were safe because if ya hadn't seen me singing again ya couldn't batter me. Are ya gonna batter me Bel?"

"Well it deserves some kind of punishment burrave not made me mind up yet wor'it's goin' to be! I'll have't wait till yer off that crutch!"

"Okay Bel. Standing by for punishment when ready!"

Wor'a bluddy shame!

"Crusty why on earth have you come out in that bluddy owd black jacket again. I wouldn't wear that bluddy thing if I were a gravedigger! Can ya not see thar'it favvers bluddy weel when ya sees yerself in't mirrer?"

"Why wot's up wi' it?"

"Wot's up wi' it? Well it's at least three or four sizes too big for a start. Ya could ger'a four-man tent under theer, a camping stove, a bed roll, an' a canoe."

"Yeh I know I've already done that. Good in'it?" he sniggered.

"Tha' favvers Quasimodo in it!"

She was about to pelt him one when she suddenly remembered where she was.

The Landlord then spoke into the microphone.

"Ladies and Gentlemen. I would like to thank you all for coming again and all for making a special effort with your Worst Dress Sense fancy dress tonight. You all look brilliant and my staff and I have now chosen the winners after a difficult decision, one for the ladies and one for the gentlemen."

He got a piece of paper out of his pocket and read out the name of one of the winners.

"For the ladies the winner is, for the fourth year running, our very own dear Crustabel! What a wonderful outfit she has on this time! She never fails to surprise us!"

Big round of applause as Bel went to receive her prize, which was a giant bottle of Dry Martini, which she loved.

"And, for the gentlemen. Well, what can I say? You've obviously all made a great effort, but the winner with the Worst Dress Sense has to be our new friend sitting down there."

The Landlord pointed to the winner.

"You sir, you there! I don't know your name. You with that incredibly awful outfit on."

Everybody was looking around trying to see where the Landlord's finger pointed.

He was getting exasperated.

"You, there, sitting next to Crustabel, the one with the revoltingly, hideous black jacket on!"

Crusty arose and pointed at his own chest.

"Me?"

"Yes, you, come along sir. You've won first prize in tonight's Worst Dress Sense Fancy Dress contest!"

Crusty put his crutch under his arm and puffed out his chest and belly again. He started smirking and pulling his tongue out at those who hadn't won. He put on the old wounded soldier act and with the "effort" of walking, his tongue flopped out again and started dripping. He hadn't even dressed in fancy dress but he'd still won!

Bel was inwardly seething at him, although you'd never have guessed because of the huge smile on her face.

He finally limped his way across the room to receive his prize and then Bel suddenly remembered what the prize for the men was.

"Oh no," she thought wildly! "Nor'again, nor'another bottle o' whisky!"

She leapt up and scurried over to the Landlord, beating Crusty to it, and whispered something in his ear.

"Oh dear me, what a shame! I'm sorry sir. Your name's Quasi, is it? What a most unusual name! Ladies and Gentlemen may I have your attention please. Our
friend Quasi here is currently on medication following a serious accident and is also allergic to whisky. However, he is allowed a drop of brandy for medicinal purposes. So instead of presenting him with the whisky Quasi we're letting you have a bottle of our finest five star brandy instead! Well done!"

"But me names not Qua ....." Crusty was about to say, until Bel jabbed him in the back with her finger.

"Ouch!"

Crusty was puzzled, but this time he caught on more quickly than usual and grinned at Bel. He knew she wouldn't have let him have the Scottish, as she knew what it did to him and in his own way he was grateful to her for looking after him.

He got onto the stage and took the brandy from the Landlord, who then asked Crusty if he'd like to say something down the microphone.

Bel shuddered.

"Oh yes please. I'd like to thank everybody for bein' nice to me and as a special thank you I'd like to do a lickle recitation!" he said grinning.

Bel shuddered again.

"The cat crept into the crypt
Crapped
And crept out again"


Crusty handed the microphone back to the Landlord who took it, with his mouth wide open. Crusty was expecting some applause for his poem, but everybody just sat there in stunned silence, so he plodded noisily off the stage with his big hooter held proudly aloft and his bottle in his hand.

Shortly after that the party started to break up, and Bel delivered Crusty safely back to his front door.

Once he was behind closed doors again and alone, he went into the kitchen and took a glass from the cupboard.

"Neh then," he said to himself with a snigger. "Wot's this brandy taste like?"

He licked his lips in anticipation and in doing so, wiped a few crumbs off the bottom of his tie at the same time.

He poured a tumbler full of the brandy and took a sip.

Mmmm! Most tasteyful, he thought to himself then poured out another glass.

It was now just after midnight so he went and made himself comfortable on his settee, then punched another number into his mobile.

"Hello, this is Princess Punishment speaking! Get on your knees now and prepare to be thrashed, bashed and battered!"

"Oh, hiya, me name's Crusty an'a want to tell ya how I managed to get meself a new crotch!!"


© Mollie M
16.04.02
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19-12-2011, 01:26 AM
27

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Yet another good read

Just wait 'til Bel finds out the cost of his phone calls!!
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19-12-2011, 01:32 AM
28

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Another punishment is on the cards.
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21-12-2011, 12:12 AM
29

Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

60

Crusty Takes a Ride
(and Bel Gets A Shock!)



On Sunday, as promised, Bel picked up a befuddled, hung-over Crusty and took him to Southport after calling at the cash point where he withdrew twenty pounds for the week! She didn't realise he'd drunk a quarter of the bottle of brandy on top of the three pints she'd bought him, and he was well and truly dazed.

It was another one of those glorious summer days when everything felt right and good and nothing could possibly go wrong!

Oh really?

The sun was beating down on them as they walked along the coast road, stopping every now and then for fresh local shrimps and cockles, coffee and pop from the outside stands, hot dogs, cheese burgers and ice creams and it wasn't even ten thirty yet! They hadn't even started on Bel's packages yet either, and Crusty rubbed and patted his tummy to let it know of the treats soon to come!

Every now and then they'd sit on a little wall when Crusty got tired and needed to rest, but all in all he was doing really well and for once wasn't whinging all the time.

Well he wouldn't would he? He was being fed and was too dizzy from the brandy to think straight!

Bel had on a big flowery sleeveless dress that came down almost to her ankles, and she wore her soft leather sandals for comfort.

She had looked at Crusty with disdain when she'd picked him up as he was dressed in his "seaside" outfit.

I don't know if you remember a while ago when he had those shorts that came down to his knees with the big purple teardrop spots on, bally hanging over as usual. Well he was wearing them again showing off his skinny little dangly legs, and was also wearing a green and yellow checked shirt and those bloody horrible lime green plastic sandals with nasty black, cruddy toes sticking through. She hadn't had the heart to make him go and change his clothing. Things were difficult enough for him as they were, so she'd taken him in the clothes he stood in.

Trouble was, in the shorts, it was difficult to tell which two were his legs and which was the crutch! They were all about the same width and shape!! He looked like he had three legs instead of the customary two!

"Bel, Bel can we go on the Waltzer please Bel?" he begged grinning.

"I don't think so lad. Not while ya've still gor'a bad leg! I'll fetch ya here again when yer properly healed up then ya can go on wor'ever ya want, and put yer tongue back in yer yed or ya'll get sand stuck to it! Ya favver a bluddy monitor lizard!"

"Bur'it's takin' forever to get better Bel!" he said slurping his tongue back in.

He'd sulked but only for a moment as she handed him some hot sticky doughnuts to keep him quiet.

"Well can we just go an' watch 'em then while we're eating these doughnuts?" he asked, munching.
"Aye, why not!"

"Oooh great, ta Bel!"

A couple of kids ran up alongside him and mimicked the way he walked on his crutch then started singing:

"I'm Jake the Peg, diddle diddle diddle dum
With an extra leg, diddle diddle diddle dum"


Bel swung a mighty fist at them and they scarpered off giggling.

They walked the short distance to the fairground and leaned against the ride walls and watched the Waltzer, and then the Caterpillar and some of the others that Crusty liked best.

The faster the better!

He'd actually managed to lose a little bit of weight while he'd been in hospital, but was quickly gaining it again with all the food Bel kept plying him with, but he wasn't complaining. Not in the least.

It was getting on for lunch time now and their bellies were rumbling again despite all the food they'd eaten since they got there at nine.

They sure could pack some grub away between them!

"Wot d'ya want for yer dinner lad? D'ya fancy a giant hot dog this time?"

"No ta Bel. I want go to a proper cafe for a proper meal for me din-dins!"

"Reet! I know a good 'un. Come on and try to keep up with yer hobbling!"

"Ta Bel!"

Crusty had meat and potato pie, chips, mashed potatoes, mushy peas, carrots and gravy, and Bel had her usual double fish, double chips, double pie and double gravy and four rounds of bread and butter each.

She winced when Crusty had asked for mushy peas again, but she was letting him have all his own way for now, however she had worried about the anal mephitic explosions that would be evident later on!!

Mephitic?

According to The Concise Oxford Dictionary it comes from the word mephitis, a noun meaning noxious emanation, gaseous or poisonous stench.

Crusty was mephitic or, as Bel would more colourfully put it and into English we can all understand, an owd fart!!

They gobbled and guzzled their way through the food then washed it down with Southport's finest version of tea that tasted akin to the water in the Manchester Ship Canal!

What did it matter? Crusty was enjoying his little self wholeheartedly as this was the first time he'd been anywhere since being ejected from the Tornado in Somerset. The last trip he'd taken was on a spiralling upward trajectory towards Venus!

The faster the better!

Anyway, after they'd finished lunch they went for another walk around the fairground, and Bel took him into the Hall of Mirrors where they had fifteen minutes of fun laughing at each other.

She let him play on the hoopla stalls and throwing darts but he didn't win anything so he started sulking again.

"I want a prize Bel. Can ya win me one?"

"I'll have a do owd fettler!"

They went to another stall and Bel picked up a pellet rifle, paid the man, aimed and fired off one shot at some playing cards on a board but missed the target.

Puzzled, she looked down the barrel again examining it from every angle, and saw that the barrel and the sights had been adjusted by a couple of millimetres so, compensating her aim, fired again and put a pellet smack bang in the middle of the Ace of Hearts.

The stallholder wasn't very pleased, but asked her to choose a prize and Crusty picked up a giant multi-coloured lollipop!

Bel handed the rifle back to the man and then yelled at him in a loud voice so that everyone could hear.

"Those bluddy sights and barrel 'ave been altered, ya swindlin' owd fart! They're way off! Ya wouldn't be able't
hit a bluddy hairy-arsed buffalo wi' that if it were stampeding on't top o' yer bluddy yed!!"
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Mollie is female  Mollie has posted at least 25 times and has been a member for 3 months or more 
 
21-12-2011, 12:15 AM
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Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )

Crusty winced!

Word got round and the stall holder didn't do much business for the rest of the day, or the season come to think of it so he took early retirement!

"I didn't know ya could shoot a gun Bel. Where d'ya learn to do that?"

"Oh, Crustian and myself were taught how to shoot by our grandfather in Scotland when we were kids. They shot grouse and stuff like that burra didn't like killing defenceless creatures so I started doing target practice instead!"

"Oh reet. That was good that! Can I try shooting a gun Bel?"

The very thought made her go cold.

"I don't think that would be a good idea Crusty. Best nor'eh? Just stick to yer lollipop!"

"Okay Bel," he said having a lick.

"Hang on here a minute Crusty will ya? I've got to pay a visit to the loo. I'm brastin' burrall not be long. Don't ger'into any trouble and keep away from them guns."

"Reet Bel!"

She left him standing there with his lollipop in one hand and crutch in the other, and on the third lick he noticed that one of the rides had just come to a standstill.

It was the Speedway!

Oh, oh!

Crusty liked the Speedway!

The faster the better!

He sprinted toward it on his crutch at a fast hobble and climbed up the three wooden steps. The gleaming motorcycles had always been one of his favourites and, checking to see that Bel was still nowhere in sight, climbed onto a cycle on the outer rim.

The further out you are on this ride the faster it was, and Crusty seated himself with his crutch in one hand and his lolly held tightly in the other.

He could handle this no problemo! Look ma, no hands!!

The faster the better!

Crusty told the man that Bel would pay for him when she came out of the lavs so the ride started to move off just as Bel re-appeared. He could see her looking around for him so he waved with the hand that had the lollipop in it.

"Bel, Bel over here Bel!"

"Ger'off that bluddy bike ya daft looking bugger. Ger'off now!"

Too late! The ride had started moving so there was no turning back. She stood watching it whiz round and round until she was almost dizzy as the passengers all blurred into one, it was going that fast.

The faster the better!

Suddenly and out of nowhere, she was hit by a flying multi-coloured lollipop, which stuck to her forehead all gooey and sticky from Crusty tongue grunge. Crusty had reluctantly let it go so that he could cling onto at least one handlebar. A moment later a crutch flew into the air just missing her head. Soon after, the ride began to decelerate and Crusty came back into focus.

His eight strands of hair were standing on end again, his face red as a beetroot, eyeballs spinning and his tongue dangled down on his chest. The ride finally came to a standstill but Crusty couldn't move. He was rooted to the spot with absolute fear and he'd been caught short again. It was no wonder with all the food he'd eaten and tea he'd quaffed.

"Ger'off that bluddy ride Crusty ya stupid owd sod. Wot the 'ell did ya think you were doin' at all?"

"I cawn't move Bel. Bel, Bel, help me Bel!"

The ride attendant came over to him to assist him off the bike and ask the lady for a pound, but Bel was on him like a ton of bricks.

"Wot the bluddy hell did ya think ya were doin' lerrin a daft owd bugger like this on this sort of a ride? He could've been killed! Couldn't ya see he had a crutch wi' him!"

"Sorry missus. It's nothing to do with me. He's a grown man so who am I to tell him he can't have a ride? That'll be one pound please!"

"Aye, an' tha' can go an' bluddy run for it. Yer gerrin nowt off me!"

She pulled Crusty off the bike and handed him his crutch, then he pulled his lolly off Bel's head. It made a horrible schluk sound! Because he was so dazed and dizzy he tried to put the lolly under his armpit and started licking the crutch, so he almost fell over again.

He was staggering about like a drunken man (which he was) and needed his crutch under one arm and his Bel holding onto the other side of him until she could find somewhere for him to sit down.

He started wailing.

"Am sorry Bel. Please don't hit me Bel. I shouldn't've supped all that brandy last neet. It's just tharrave always liked goin' on't motorbikes at the fair. I'd forgetten they go that fast. I were only in me thirties the last time I went on 'em!"

"So ya likes goin' on motorbikes do ya? Yeh, well yer nor'in yer thirties any more. Yer a sixty-eight year old owd fart that should know better. Are ya alright now Crusty?"

"Am okay now burram still a bit dizzy. Can we just sit here until me yed stops spinning?"

"Aye, there's nowt spoiling."

Except for Crusty's knickers which Bel didn't know about until she could sniff the whiff.

Ten minutes later she got him to his feet again and shoved him into the Gents. He came out again shining like a new pin and grinning once more licking his lolly! Bel wondered where he'd put the lolly while he was cleaning himself up!!

-oo0oo-

A month went by following Crusty's release from hospital and he was getting stronger by the day. He'd attended his appointments at the Out Patients' Clinic religiously and Bel had taxied him about here, there and everywhere.

All was well with the world!

One morning though, she went downstairs at home and picked the mail up off the doormat, scanned through them and threw them onto the sideboard in her hallway.

In her kitchen she put the kettle on and decided to cook a full breakfast. She was hungry this morning and she'd a lot of work to do so a good brekkie was very important.

After she'd washed up she went into her living room with her second cup of tea and picked up her mail. The first two she opened were just circulars, then one water-board letter and then the last two were the phone bills for Crusty's and her mobiles.

She'd just taken a good swig of her tea and on reading the contents of Crusty's bill she spluttered and it came out again like water out of a hosepipe.

"Wot the bluddy hell's this? That can't be right. A hundred and ninety eight pounds for one month?"

She went for a cloth and cleaned up the tea where she'd spat it out, and then lit her clay pipe and put on her glasses to study the bill more closely, going down the columns of phone numbers that had been called from Crusty's phone.
 
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