Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
"Shaddap ya daft lookin' owd bugger! Yer givin' me yed warch again!"
"Sorry Bel," said Crusty quietly.
"Reet I'm off now burrall si' thi tomorrer wi' yer telly!"
After she'd gone Crusty felt more alone than he'd ever felt in his life. He didn't know what to do with himself but Crusty had a motto:
"When there's nowt to do
Ya makes a brew
When yer a lonely chap
Ya makes some snap!"
He trundled off into the kitchen and put the kettle on. It had been so long since he'd been in there as well that he'd forgotten he and Bel had re-painted it. He stood admiring it while the kettle boiled then checked his fridge and cupboards to see if Bel had left him anything nice to eat. She'd re-stocked for him, most of the food being in tins without labels which a friend had given her from the local canning factory. She'd figured that as Crusty will eat anything a label didn't matter. So he selected one and opened it to see what was inside.
It was a tin of rice pudding. He pulled a face but tipped it into a pan to heat up on the cooker anyway.
That night he made yet another big mistake.
-oo0oo-
Bel called round the next day with Crusty's telly and he was thrilled to pieces when she switched it on for him. She showed him how to use the remote and left him sitting there flicking it thinking you got more channels with a remote than the normal five. He wouldn't wait until Bel had coupled it up to his Cable TV.
Crustabel had gone into the kitchen to brew a cuppa for them both and her eyes widened in disbelief when she saw the state of it. He'd only been back five minutes.
"CRUSTY! GET YER SCUMMY LITTLE BACKSIDE IN HERE RIGHT NOW!!"
His ears started banging and he leapt out of his chair on his crutch like his life depended on it. He scurried/hobbled into the kitchen and there was Bel towering above him as usual with a face like a pit bull growling at him.
"Wossup Bel. Worrava done this time?"
She grabbed him by his ear and dragged him to the kitchen sink and shoved his head in it.
"Tell me wot ya can see in there!"
He peered into the sink and down the plughole with one red piggy eye.
"Some scum and some dishes Bel," his voiced echoed back.
"Be more precise about the dishes!"
"Nasty dishes Bel."
"Correct!"
He started babbling his excuses then and Bel folded her arms while he explained why he couldn't possibly have washed them. Nerves jangling he started to run hot water into the sink and squirted in some cheap washing up liquid as he babbled on.
"I'll tell ya wor'appened Bel. It were like this. After ya'd gone last neet I were fed up and miserable all by meself so I said me little rhyme, ya know the one I mean?"
She nodded in silence.
His hands were trembling with fear.
"Well worra did was I went an' opened up one o' them tins that ya fetched me wi' no labels on so I didn't know wot were inside. Well it were a tin o' rice pudding Bel an' after I'd etten it I poured some water into me pan and me bowl to ler'em soak 'cos it's nor easy gerrin milk off."
"Is thar'it? Is that yer excuse?"
He nodded his head wildly hoping and praying that she'd understand.
"So why didn't ya finish 'em off after they'd soaked then?"
"I forgot!" he said sticking his thumb in his mouth.
Then he got busy scrubbing away with the abrasive pad, whittling every last drop of milk away.
"Am sorry Bel. It's just tharra was so chuffed wi' me new telly and watching the colours an' everything tharra just forgot, burram doin' it now aren't I?" he said balancing gingerly on his crutch.
She nodded and sighed.
"Yer a bluddy lame brain! Alreet! I'll let you off this once while yer still on crutches, but don't do it again. Understand?"
"Aye okay Bel, ta Bel!"
"When ya've done that I want ya to put the kettle on again. I wanna watch ya make a cup o' tea!"
"Ya want me to show ya how it's done Bel?" he giggled.
"I wanna see how thy makes it!"
They waited while the kettle boiled and Crusty had taken two clean (yes, clean) cups out of his cupboard. He placed a tea bag in each one with sugar for himself but none for Bel then he poured the boiling water into the mugs.
So far so good!
He got the milk out of the fridge. Real milk this time, not the National Dried, but before he added it to the freshly made brew he shook a drop of vinegar and put a pinch of salt in each cup. Then he added the milk!!
"There Bel. That's how ya make a nice cup o' tea!" he said handing her a cup.
She took it from him then, without even trying it, poured it away down the sink, doing the same with his.
"Neh start again ya daft sod and this time leave out the salt and vinegar. Worra ya doing purrin salt and vinegar in a cup o' tea anyway ya daft bugger?"
"Is that wrong Bel?" he asked, his bottom lip curling downwards.
"Do it again and leave out the salt and vinegar then ya can see for yerself!"
He re-made it to her specifications and, once cooled, took a sip.
"Bel, Bel that's bluddy beltin' that Bel! I never knew it could taste that good when I've made it! I always wondered why your tea always tasted better than mine!"
"Well, neh ya know why yer tay always tastes crap so don't forget in future!"
Poor old Crusty!
"Neh lissen lad. I know its Saturday tomorrer, but tomorrer neet I'll not be able't see ya as I've been invited to a fancy dress party by some friends. It's at The Cat and The Canary, you know the nice place near me. I'd invite you along only I don't think ya'd fit in with the people. Wouldn't want you to feel left out! Okay lad?"
He sulked.
"Okay then Bel. Wockle I do then?"
"Well, ya've got yer colour telly now. Ya've got yer colouring books ya can fill in and ya've gor'a kitchen full o' grub. Plus, ya needs yer rest!"
"Okay Bel, when will I see ya next then?"
"I'll come round on Sunday an' I'll tek ya to Southport. We dipped out on that little trip last time didn't we when my friend was poorly and you fell in't river?"
"Oh yeh, great Bel. See ya then!"
"See ya Sunday and look after yerself. If ya get desp'rate, ya've got me phone numbers, alreet?"
"Okay Bel!"
After she'd gone, Crusty hobbled about not knowing what to do with himself. He sat watching the telly for a while but there was nothing particularly good on. He fancied going out for a pint but decided against it as he'd no money. Having been in hospital for almost ten weeks and having just come out he hadn't been able to get to the hole in the wall yet. He'd have to ask Bel to take him when he saw her again on Sunday before they went on their trip to Southport.
He took out the new mobile phone that Bel had given him as a coming out of hospital present and started punching numbers into it again, rocking on his ankles and furry tongue dangling out!!
A sultry voice answered.
"Hello, Miss Golden Thighs speaking. What's your pleasure this evening?"
"Hiya Miss Thighs, it's me again. The one with the new crotch!"
© Mollie M
05.03.02