Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)
107
Crusty's Cast Out Into the Wilderness
(and Bel Finds Nasties in His Pants!)
It was now eight thirty and it had gone dark outside. Bel tugged Crusty out of the house by his cauliflower ear and into her garage. Apart from being locked in there one cold winter's night it was the first time Crusty had ever seen it properly and, with the lights on, he was amazed to see that she actually had four cars and a motorbike! Her garage was larger in ground space than the average three-bedroom house, and there was lots of room for more cars when she decided to treat herself again.
There was the Volvo, the Escort, the Jag, a big Harley Davidson motorbike and she also had a Land Rover, which she rarely used, but it was this vehicle that she slung Crusty into the back of.
Crusty had noticed the number plate of this vehicle and had a little giggle.
"Worra ya gigglin' at, you? I'm tekkin' ya on a punishment, nor'a bluddy neet out at the Club!"
"It's yer number plate Bel. It made me giggle! It's a good 'un that!"
"Oh that. Aye well, it makes most folk giggle, that's why I had 'em made up special! They cost me a few quid but wot the hell?"
The number plate:
P 55 POT
"I didn't know ya had one o' these P!sspots Bel!"
"You're a bluddy p!sspot, y'owd sod!"
"I likes them others as well Bel. They're proper beltin'! There's P 55 HED, R 55 OLE, the owd Volvo's P 55 OLE, burra knew that one, and yer motorbike is just BELT 1 N!! They're beltin' them Bel!"
"Glad ya like 'em, and stop saying beltin'!"
"Can I ayte me butties in this car please Bel?"
"No ya bluddy well can't. I'll tell ya when ya can ayte 'em! Ger'on't back seat and shut yer eyes and don't open 'em again until I tell ya! Yer goin' on a mystery tour!"
He started bouncing up and down merrily.
"Oh goody! A mystery tour again Bel. Mind you, I've never been on one in't dark before! How come yer allers shovin' me onto't back seat?"
"'Cos that's weer ya belongs, and ya can chalk this mystery tour up to a new experience can't ya?"
She got behind the wheel and started the engine, then slid through the garage doors while Crusty sat at the back with his eyes obediently closed. She drove around for a good hour and a bit and Crusty was beginning to get fed up so, as he had his eyes closed anyway, he fell asleep.
"Oink, schnort, mumble," fart! " Oink, schnort, mumble," fart!
Not a care in the world!
Finally she brought the car to a stop and Crusty was still grunting and farting on the back seat, butty package by his side. He hadn't stirred yet, so Bel quietly got out of the vehicle and looked around.
"Aye, this'll do I reckon."
She had a quick snicker then managed to retrieve the packet of food without disturbing him. Then she took a large red cloth with white spots on it from a bag, wrapped the package up in it by gathering all four corners together along with a few other items then attached it to a long gnarled blackthorn stick with a notched fork on the end.
His hobo outfit!
Then she stuck her head through the back door where Crusty was slumbering with his thumb in his mouth, and .........
"Wake up ya festerin' owd farty-arsed pigmy!
His eyes flew open and found his Bel's nose a millimetre from his.
"Wossup? Oh, g'morning Bel. Is it feeding time now?"
"Ger'out o' that car. Come on, out ya get!"
He did as he was told and looked around wondering where she'd brought him.
"Weer are we Bel?"
"Well, I'm purrin ya to a little test. When ya get home, ya've got to tell me where ya've bin!! Neh then, here y'are. Here's yer butties. Put this stick o'er yer shooder. Yer swag's inside, an' gimme a ring when ya gets wom!"
He started rocking on his ankles, thumb in mouth again, polka dot swag bag dangling from the stick that she'd put over his shoulder.
"But Bel!"
"Come wi' me!"
She frog-marched him down a dark lane in what appeared to be the middle of nowhere then stopped and shoved him in the back.
"Reet, get gone on yer travels!"
"But .....!"
When he looked round she'd disappeared into thin air. Not easy for a nineteen stone woman. She'd turned on her heel and walked swiftly and quietly away, then got back into her vehicle and took off silently.
"Weer amma? Wor'as her done at me this time? Weer's her fetched me?"
Just then he realised that he'd not eaten since they were on the road back from Southport and he was bluddy hungry. He sat down on a handily placed bench at the side of the road and opened up his swag bag to see what his Bel had given him to eat.
Inside there was the large piece of paper that he'd seen earlier, and inside that, the beloved butties and pies so began a good hanch.
"Yum yum. These are bluddy good!"
He suddenly realised that, as he didn't know where he was, this food might have to be rationed as he could be, oh, minutes before he found his way home, so he started to wrap them up again, just for now. That was when he noticed that the large piece of paper was a map, which his Bel had lovingly drawn for him! She'd also put a torch and a compass in the swag bag, so he lit the torch and looked at the map.
"Weer amma?"
There was a big red X that said
YOU ARE HERE!
"Where's Here? I've never heard of it! I wonder if it's in Pem. I shouldn't have fawd asleep. I should've squinted through one eye't see weer her were tekkin' me, so I could be anywhere in the whole wide world. Wor'appens if I cawn't find me road out? Wor'appens if nobody ever uses this road? Wor'appens if I cawn't find owt t'ayte? I wonder if I'll end up just keep goin' round in circles forever and ever till am an owd mon! At least there's a couple o' nice benches I can get me yed down on for't neet!"
He picked up the compass and turned until he was facing due north, not knowing if it was a northerly direction he actually needed, but it would do to be going on with.
It appeared to be wide-open countryside where he was and there wasn't a vehicle in sight. Nor was there a house, farmhouse, shack, shed or stable, where he might beg a bed for the night, and it was pitch black.
On and on he trudged until he came to a signpost in a fork in the road.
The sign read:
Snickerford - 3 miles
Giggleswick - 1 mile
Titterfield - 2 miles
Laughing Meadow - 5 miles
"Neh then, I've getten four choices, but which one do I choose? I've never heard of any of 'em so I don't know which one's nearest wom. Am not very good at making choices. I'd sooner my Bel did that for me!"
Bloody fool stood there for ages just walking around the signpost trying to work out which way to go, instead of taking the shortest road.
"I know worrall do! I'll go to Giggleswick as ickle not tek me as long't get theer as it would if I went to Laffin' Medder!"
Well done, Crusty!
He strode off again on his intrepid journey, stopping every few feet to check his map. He'd managed to pinpoint Giggleswick easily enough, as Bel had very kindly circled it for him. All he had to do was find the place.
But after he'd covered a hundred yards he stopped for some food. He was cold and hungry. It was pitch dark and he didn't know where he was.
He sat down on some damp grass munching on another meat pie, wondering miserably what he could possibly have done wrong this time to warrant such a terrible punishment, and worried about how long his rations would last.
He'd already forgotten that he'd mangled Bel's brand new bike only a few hours before!
He was about to snatch a barm cake out of his swag bag then remembered that he'd have to save some for later. He was now thinking that it could be days before he found civilisation again.
Suddenly he heard a sound that scared the life out of him.
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
He leapt up and looked around him and could see nothing, but the sound continued cutting through the eerie silence of the night.
He then heard a flapping behind him so he set off at a fast shuffle afraid he might crap himself if this went on for much longer.
"I hope it's nor'another swarm o' them bats! They tried t'ayte me bluddy yed last time I came across some!"
Off he went with a trumpety, trump.
Parp, parp, parp!!