Challenging relationship with a daughter-in-law?

Hi,

I'm a freelance journalist who writes content for Saga. I've asked the mods and they have kindly given me permission to post some questions on here so that I can get some real life experiences.

If anyone would be up for contributing to some quotes that I can use (it will only be first names that are used and I can use a fake one) that would be really helpful.

So the third article I am going to be posting about in your forums tonight (last one promise!) is about building a relationship with a difficult daughter-in-law (DIL). Of course I am the perfect DIL so find this hard to comment on (haha, maybe not, I do try though!).

Do any of you ladies have any tips for how you have managed to get along with a DIL when things may have proved tricky at certain points? How did you deal with a situation where a DIL may have not wanted much to do with your family?

Or perhaps things have always been good between you because you have done things in a certain way?

Any feedback on this would be really interesting research for my article (and as above I will use some short quotes from this thread if you are happy to contribute).

Best wishes,
Julia

Re: Challenging relationship with a daughter-in-law?

I was the DIL had a very rocky start with my MIL few years into my marriage after a particularly difficult day I just sat down with her and said we both love him and have to find a way to get on as this is making him unhappy. We chatted for ages and at the end we were firm friends to the point when she died I think I missed her as much as my husband did as I lost my best friend.

Re: Challenging relationship with a daughter-in-law?

This caught my attention as I do indeed have a challenging relationship with my DIL, and not sure how best to resolve the situation.

Re: Challenging relationship with a daughter-in-law?

Thanks so much Julie, yes that is so interesting to hear it from your point of view as well as the DIL. What a lovely story, I think that having an open conversation is such a good way of releasing tension. It is a very tricky relationship - I have two daughters and I know if they were boys I would find it hard to let go!

Re: Challenging relationship with a daughter-in-law?

It's difficult when you are having to play down things which seem a bit unfair in order to keep the relationships ok, I have had to let go of ever spending Christmas etc with my son and his wife and they have moved to be near my DIL's parents so see them a lot more.
I visit when I can every few months and speak to my son on the phone but I let him phone me so that I'm not picking a time when they are busy or having an evening to themselves.

Re: Challenging relationship with a daughter-in-law?

Could you sit down like I did Anita and talk to her ? it has to be when no one else is around to make her feel on a level with you. We found we both wanted the best for my husband and just by talking it through realised we had to both make an effort.

Re: Challenging relationship with a daughter-in-law?

Yes I think that's a good idea Julie, I have suggested it once but I think she doesn't want to, I have to tread very carefully as I don't want to make it worse.
I was a single mother who had a very difficult and precarious start with my son, I think my DIL and I are very different and she naturally sees no real reason to form a relationship when she has her Mother and 2 sisters but it's difficult and you sort of feel that if you push too much you can make matters worse.

Re: Challenging relationship with a daughter-in-law?

I can understand that part of our problem was how close I was to my Grandmother, I didn't need another mother but what I did need and what she needed too was to be friends, we were not mother and daughter at all we were friends with one very important thing in common - my husband. You have even more in common having grand children.

Re: Challenging relationship with a daughter-in-law?

In my case my DIL lives near her Mother and has her sisters also and friends as they now live near where she was brought up.
I am several hundred miles away and so out of the picture really apart from when I visit, I can't complain as it would probably only cause problems and I would look like a demanding Mother.
We are quite different people and I suppose that I would feel the same in her shoes, her life is fine without a MIL !!

Re: Challenging relationship with a daughter-in-law?

Hello Julia I get on pretty well with my DIL .
I think it helps that I am not a possessive mother (although I had a especially close relationship with my son having brought him up on my own) and 'stand back' appreciating that she is number one in my son's life now.
I find it is also a good idea not to volunteer advice unless asked to do so.

There have been times when I have been quite surprised at the trust she has put in me . I won't go into details here it is too personal but I think what was shared was quite exceptional.