Re: Sometimes I wish..........

By the sounds of it you need to adopt a different persona for work. Play along with them as you have no option. Make it as false as hell. If they think you are one of them then the pressure will be off. You still have the 'real' you to fall back on. Appease them and feel sorry for them.

I have found in life that nearly every person, if not every person, wants a shoulder to cry on. Even the biggest nastiest person needs a friend. I think maybe I have an advantage over you - perhaps - in that I am very physical. I have worked as a lifeguard for instance and been extremely fit and controlled all sorts of people by quiet intimidation really. I haven't been frightened to put myself on the line and forget all about intellectual stuff and stand up to bullies physically. In fact I use to welcome the thrill and adrenalin rush I got from it. This was enough to break the resolve of every one that attempted to stand up to me and give me trouble yet I am only 5' 7" tall.

A classic example of the above was when a van load of drunken blokes arrived at the swimming pool situated up in the valleys and proceeded to cause havoc. The manager and all the rest of the lifeguards knew who they were but I was new to the pool. I was up the chair in the deep end keeping an eye on things. I took my job very seriously. I could see that there was going to be trouble but when I looked for back up there wasn't any. The manager and all the rest had buggered off - to put it bluntly. I kept watching these big drunken idiots who were hell bent on more or less trashing the place. I stuck it for so long but they ignored my warnings.

They eventually pushed me too far and I got down from the chair and walked up to the whole lot of them and told them to get out. All reason had gone from me at this point and nothing was left but tension and adrenalin. They took one look at me and left. Not one of them had the guts to take it any further. I didn't scream, shout or anything but they knew they had a fight on their hands. Once they had changed and were walking out to the van I appologized for upsetting them. 6-8 drunken blokes that were all bigger than me.

The moral of this story is what? It is that standing up to bullies can bring unforseen and sometimes surprising results. Without my attitude I would have been walked on loads of times but I never have been.

I think the above is relevant as it sounds like you have some ring leaders who are nothing more than bullies. I have found that to be true full stop but you have to have your wits about you and consider all the consequences before acting like me. Would my approach work for you? Dunno but if I was in a similar situation where a work colleague was making my life hell, or he was attempting to, he would probably run for cover at some time or other and be a different person after. Once a bully's spirit is broken they can become good friends surprisingly enough.

Re: Sometimes I wish..........

In my career in commerce I always had a woman as my right hand "man", they were tough and hard working fiercely loyal & took no crap from the rest of the staff.
Men I found agreed with me to my face & then set about sabotaging any new initiatrives.

Re: Sometimes I wish..........

thanks mkj
Lack of assertiveness has been my main life theme. Standing up to others. There's a very stubborn people pleaser streak in me I just can't fully erase. Good on you for standing up to those drunks too. I'm 5 ft 8 by the way. You must have more swagger than me.

Re: Sometimes I wish..........

Boredom is a dreadful thing and I'm not surprised (given the scenario you have stated) that idle talk begins to go in the wrong direction. Mentally have in place things to discuss (is it a male or female colleague?) so that you can sidetrack them when you don't like the direction a conversation is going in.

Standing up to someone isn't always about physical confrontation and unless you are sure you'd come out on top, I'd advise against that approach! Standing up for yourself is always hard to begin with so expect wobbly lips, wobbly voice and maybe a little trembling as well but that will pass. People at work will have more respect for you. You don't have to be hostile or unfriendly, just state your position clearly: I don't feel comfortable with this line of talk so I'd prefer not to be involved - something like that.

The fact that you fear the consequences gives you a disadvantage so ask yourself why you fear them, if you find an answer, then ask 'can I overcome that fear' if the answer is 'no' then ask yourself 'why' - once you find the root of your fear you can start to deal with it - at the moment, your fear has the upper hand!

Re: Sometimes I wish..........

Bah. Just smack em one lol.

Don't listen to me though. Over the years I have learned that even I shouldn't listen to me a lot of the time as my emotions can override me thinking . I think I am what a lot of people consider the epitome of a head-case . Proud of it too.

Re: Sometimes I wish..........

I'm liking this forum already. people such as yourself are dispensing practical wisdom.
Now often my colleagues will be female which is more challenging as I worry about their ability to trash my reputation. Majority of females at work. With guys we can happily ignore each other all night.
I'm really going to try it out in the next week. ie "stating my position".
My only concern is that I have been very cheerful and friendly, with almost no boundaries. Suddenly to put up boundaries? May look weird? I dunno.
Thanks though.

Re: Sometimes I wish..........

- smacking can seem a quick and easy option if it isn't in someone to be physically aggressive (which I don't think youngatart is), it wouldn't be possible so an alternative approach maybe? Plus, there's always the risk that you could end up getting battered. I used to do Aikido and I remember being told not to let myself think it makes me invincible - there will always be someone who is quicker and stronger than I am; you just hope you never actually meet them

Like you, I would confront head-on but that won't work in this case methinks

Re: Sometimes I wish..........

Don't make a big fuss out of it, just state your feeling clearly, quietly and, above all, friendly and the chances are, no-one will even notice you started to set the boundaries for the future but if you keep reinforcing them (the others will continue with their chatter regardless) every single time without fail, they will include you less and less in that part of their talk. Think of it like training a puppy (but no spoiling them ) - clear, precise, repetitive, non-threatening statements.

If that doesn't work, I'll come round and wallop them for you

Re: Sometimes I wish..........

Ben varrey
You sound like the kind of Manager we need at our workplace.

Re: Sometimes I wish..........

I put up with things for years and years, then I explode and all sorts of peculiar stuff comes out my mouth and I end up looking quite foolish.
I once had a blazing row with my boss, stormed out of his office, slammed the door, unfortunately my handbag strap was caught on the handle and I sort of catapulted myself back into there with the door whacking me. Not a pretty sight. Unfortunately, too we both laughed, which spoiled my thunder!