05-04-2019, 01:47 PM
402
Re: Let's have a laugh
A genie and an idiotThree guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’
06-04-2019, 07:57 AM
404
Re: Let's have a laugh
A construction worker asked the foreman for a can of oil.He said: " My wheelbarrow is going squeek........... squeek........... squeek........... squeek..........."
"You are fired." Said the foreman.
"Why, what for?"
"The wheelbarrow is meant to go squeeksqueeksqueeksqueeksqueek."
06-04-2019, 11:49 PM
406
Re: Let's have a laugh
I went to the horse racing for the first time ever at the weekend. I haven't got a clue about betting, so I walked up to the counter and said, "Excuse me. Could you explain to me what an each way bet is please?"The man said, "No problem Sir. An each way bet is split into two stakes. The first is a bet on the horse to win. The second is a proportional bet on the horse to finish in a place. This can be first, second, third or even fourth, depending on the amount of horses running in the race."
I said, "That sounds perfect for me! Can I have two pounds each way on number four please?"
"No," he replied.
"Oh," I said, "And why's that?"
"This is a hot dog stand."
06-04-2019, 11:57 PM
407
Re: Let's have a laugh
Grand National JokesGot a hot Grand National Gambling Tip
Creosote in the 4.15. It’s great over fences!
Grand National Gambling Tip
“Spearmint Gum”, although, no, that sticks to the rails.!
Grand National Gambling Tip
leaky tap, but only if it's running.
Grand National Gambling Tip
V-NECK 15/1 its always been a good jumper
Great Grand National Gambling Tip for Aintree again.
12-1 dusty rug. It’s never been beaten.
I was going to back “Itchyfanny” at the Grand National, but that’s been scratched!!
07-04-2019, 03:33 AM
408
Re: Let's have a laugh
Originally Posted by Judd
->
I went to the horse racing for the first time ever at the weekend. I haven't got a clue about betting, so I walked up to the counter and said, "Excuse me. Could you explain to me what an each way bet is please?"The man said, "No problem Sir. An each way bet is split into two stakes. The first is a bet on the horse to win. The second is a proportional bet on the horse to finish in a place. This can be first, second, third or even fourth, depending on the amount of horses running in the race."
I said, "That sounds perfect for me! Can I have two pounds each way on number four please?"
"No," he replied.
"Oh," I said, "And why's that?"
"This is a hot dog stand."
Did he place a bet on the dogs instead?
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one had the clean glass?"
07-04-2019, 04:39 PM
409
Re: Let's have a laugh
Doc," says Steve, "I want to be.......uhhhhhh....... castrated.""What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "DAMN! THAT'S the word!”
07-04-2019, 05:05 PM
410
Re: Let's have a laugh
Originally Posted by Richmond
->
Doc," says Steve, "I want to be.......uhhhhhh....... castrated.""What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "DAMN! THAT'S the word!”
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