24-10-2011, 11:02 PM
101
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)
12Crusty Books A Restaurant!!
(and Crustabel Books a Holiday)
"Crustabel!"
He stood there gaping at her through the open door. She was smiling at him and expected him to invite her in, but he just kept staring, his mouth working like a fish out of water.
"Come on ya silly owd bugger - let me in. It's nor’all that warm outside!"
Crusty stood to one side allowing her access, and closed the door behind her.
He was totally gob-smacked at seeing her there and so overwhelmed he couldn't speak. He seated her in his living room and went to put the kettle on and, whilst waiting for it to boil, went back and sat down opposite her.
"Wot brings ya here Crustabel? I'm pleased't see ya bur'am a bit surprised!"
"Well ya was at a meal not so long ago at a big house in the Birmingham area, weren't ya?"
"I was that. How did you know?"
"I knows everything, Crusty. Anyway, when ya went in through't back door I spotted ya. I was working in the kitchen washing up, just for that one occasion you understand."
"Burra didn't think you'd wash up for anybody!"
"No I don't normally. I'd been visiting one of my relatives in Wolverhampton. She does catering up at that house on special occasions, and it was just a coincidence that she was working that night. I tagged along to help out just for a bit o' fun!"
"And did ya see wot they did at me?"
"I did indeed lad. That were a terrible thing to do burra couldn't do anything to help ya otherwise me cousin might have lost her contract!"
They sat quietly then for a little while.
Suddenly they both opened their mouths at the same time to speak and, with unexpected gallantry, he offered her first go.
"I only wanted't say I'm sorry about washing yer OBJ. I can see thar'it's back in shape now though. All smelly and crustified again!"
"No Crustabel. I should apolomogise to you for the terrible way I treated ya. I know ya used up the rest of me Oxydol, burrall tell ya a lickle secret, shalla?"
"Wot's thar'owd lad?"
"Well, I've getten another packet stashed away in me cupboard!"
She snickered at him.
"Oh I see! Well anyway, I hope we can be friends again."
He smiled at her, his face lighting up for the first time in a long time. He was so pleased to see her again and he told her so.
"Ya know wor'owd lad? It dun't half stink in 'ere. When did ya last do any cleaning?"
"Er .... cawn't remember!"
They started to reminisce about their shenanigans whilst they were together, and when they recalled the incident about the mediaeval knight they fell about laughing together. They'd had such a lot of fun.
"How come ya've not got yer Macaroni radio blaring away?"
"Well I've bin a bit miserable since we fell out an'a couldn't be bothered with it, bur'am happy again now we're back to being pals!"
He got out of his chair and switched it on and the valves seemed to warm up more quickly than usual. Perhaps the radio was a little happier too.
Johnny Mash was singing: "I Keep A Close Watch On This Heart Of Mine".
Crusty always kept a close eye on his food too so he didn't blame Johnny for that.
He was so thrilled to see her though, and they chatted on for a couple of hours. Every now and then there would be a little lull in conversation and there was such a lull right now.
Just to fill in, both their stomachs started to rumble and it was only then that they realised that they were both hungry. No wonder! It was half six and they hadn't eaten in about two hours. They admitted that that was a record for them both.
"I'll tell ya wor'owd lass. Get yer coat on. I'm tekkin' ya out for a bite to eat.
Crustabel fainted!
She regained consciousness only a few moments later, with Crusty fanning her with a newspaper. She opened her eyes and looked up to see the worried expression on his face.
"Are ya alreet owd lass? Ya fainted!"
With his help, she managed to get up off the floor and he sat her in the chair again.
"Yeh, I'm alreet lad. I was just overcome with it being warm in here and from lack o' nourishment. It must be at least two hours since I had some snap!"
"Reet, well this is a special occasion so I'm just goin't nip upstairs for a quick
shower."
"A shower?"
"Aye, I'll not be long owd girl!"
As he climbed the stairs, she fainted again.
She recovered just in time to hear the plumbing clanking and banging through lack of use, but to her it sounded like a symphony.
There was only a little bit of Lyril left, but after he'd de-fluffed it there was just enough for his shower. Ah well. It had lasted a long time but he would have to buy another block tomorrow. Could you still buy Lyril, he wondered.
He came down looking squeaky clean and all shaved and polished. She didn't believe she'd ever seen him look so clean but just to spoil it, he had on a pair of grotty brown trousers, his owd black jacket, a pale blue shirt and a red tie!
They went out to his car, but then he suddenly remembered the flat tyre.
"Oops, sorry Crustabel. I've just remembered. I've getten a flat tyre. Can we go in yer Volvo estate?"
"I suppose so. Where are we going?"
"There's a nice lickle restaurant just the other side of Charnock Richard. That's where we're goin'!"
"Wot d'ya mean, a restaurant? I didn't think ya knew any. D'ya not mean a transport caff?"
"No, it's a proper restaurant, wi' proper food!"
"Transport caff food is always good as well ya know lad. I should know, an'a wouldn't've minded!"
"No! A proper restaurant is where am tekkin ya!"
This was a first for Crusty.
Once they set off Crustabel produced some barm cakes, which she always prepared for journeys. Crusty beamed at her and started to tuck in. She thought of
everything. Who else in the world would have something to eat on their way to a restaurant?
"Mmmm, these are bluddy tasteyful. I could ayte a suitcase full o' these!"
They arrived at their destination. No, he hadn't meant a transport caff. It was a restaurant. Very olde-worlde, with black beams and low ceilings, and horse brasses on the walls. Crustabel nearly fainted again with the shock, but kept her cool. He had actually invited her out for a meal.
Maybe he'd changed!!
They were lucky. When he'd rung the restaurant from home he was told that, being mid-week, they weren't fully booked and they were able to secure a nice little table in a secluded area.
"I see ya've gor’a new owd black jacket. It favvers bluddy weel! Where did ya ger'it from? Yer the only person I know who only buys OBJs!"
"Oh I've had this for years Bel. I luvs me owd black jacket as its proper comfy!"
"It will be! It's three sizes too big!"
24-10-2011, 11:05 PM
102
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)
He tittered and began to list them all:• OBJ1 Old Blue Jumper
• OBJ2 Old Beige Jumper
• OBJ3 Old Brown Jacket (complete with bird sh!t)
• OBJ4 Old Black Jacket
"I read all about ya in't newspapers over that escapade with the UXB. I were proper proud of ya owd lad!"
"I know. I were a proper hero weren't I?"
They ordered their starters and he even ordered a bottle of the house wine!! Crustabel was letting down her guard and was becoming impressed with his lavishness.
As they ploughed their way through the meal they talked and talked, and both realised how much they had missed each other.
The meal went well and, when they were stuffed to busting, it was time to leave. He asked for the bill and the waiter brought it on a plate and put it on the table in front of him.
Crusty thought they were to be given an extra portion of something so he stayed seated whilst Crustabel went to get their coats and, coming back, found him still sitting there.
"Worra ya doing? I thowt we were goin' wom!"
"Well they've fetched me another plate so I'm expecting more grub!"
"Crusty! Restaurants always present their bills on a plate. Yer supposed't pay the bill and leave a little tip on it!"
"Oh!"
He shrugged his shoulders, got up, put on his jacket and went out to her car.
"Now where's he gone?"
Crustabel counted to ten then rolled her eyes to heaven and held her tongue. He hadn't changed, had he? She paid the bill (sixty quid!) then joined him at the car.
"I thought ya were treating me to that meal an'ave ended up paying for it, yet again ya tight owd sod!"
"Sorry. I noticed't price so I scarpered. In any case, I never said I were goin't pay! Did ya have enough dosh to pay for it?"
"Of course I did. How d'ya feel now after that good grub?"
"Fighting fit an'a don't care wor'anybody says!" was the response.
Crustabel looked him up and down and said, "Yeh - fighting for yer breath and fit for nowt, more like. Come on you!"
She shoved him in the back and he got into the car again.
On the way home they talked some more and ate the remainder of the barm cakes she had brought.
"Ya know owd fettler. Before we fell out a couple o' months ago we were talking about going on holiday. D'ya remember?"
"I do indeed. Wor'about it?"
"Well why don't we just pick up where we left off?"
Crusty could see no reason not to, so she told him she would book a holiday the very next day. Crusty couldn't see a problem with this either as she'd originally offered to pay, if you recall.
Doesn't she always?
She left him standing at his front door and then drove off into the night. He stood and watched until her car was completely out of sight before making a move. He couldn't believe his luck. Having Crustabel back was more than he deserved.
Next day she phoned to see if he was busy. He said that he wasn't so she went to see him at his home. He did a bit of a spring clean for her arrival and hoped it didn't
smell too badly, then flung the Crustbuster around the carpet. He'd just put the kettle on when she arrived with two carrier bags. One contained brochures!
"Ooh great. Whereabouts are we goin’?"
"Well, let's see wot there is lad!"
They browsed through looking at pictures of St Kit-Kats. No he didn't want to go to the Caribbean. Okay then. How about Germany? There was a Bier Fest in Skoffenburg!
"Now that sounds good to me. Crusty is a beer drinker so he'd fit in perfectly with the Germans. Perfectly!!! He can sup a pint of lager every now and again bur'only if it's that Heinzeken! The others are too gassy and make him fart a lot. He's definitely a beer drinker just like the Germans!"
He regularly talked about himself in the third person and Crustabel hadn't as yet worked out why.
Paaarip!
"Phew, wor'a stink! Everything makes thee fart! Reet lad. That's sorted then."
She rifled through the second carrier bag and dug out some pies and butties so, whilst they were browsing, they had a munch.
They checked what else was available but finally settled on Skoffenburg, and Crustabel booked the holiday. They were to be staying in self-catering just on the outskirts of the town.
It was going to be the holiday of a lifetime. Crusty just knew it! He had his ladylove back again.
Germany! He was so looking forward to it and he couldn't wait.
After she returned home that evening she picked up her copy of the local newspaper and was horror-stricken by what she saw.
She jumped straight back into her car and took the paper with her. She knew Crusty never read the papers so had no knowledge of what had been printed.
Naturally, when he had appeared in the news following the UXB incident, he'd read as many words as he'd been able to and had cut out all the relevant pictures and other bits to keep as souvenirs, but other than that he just went about his business, totally oblivious to the world around him.
He'd just started climbing up the old apples and pears when she knocked heavily on the door.
"Who's that knocking on me door at this time o' neet?"
He went back down and unlocked the door. He'd barely opened it a crack when Crustabel rushed in past him.
"Wotever's to do?" he asked.
"This, ya daft looking bugger"!
She plonked the paper down in front of him.
There he was again on the front page but this time, instead of being heralded as a hero, poor Crusty was there, a full length photo and in full colour wearing the sandwich board with the lurid pink neon lights. His head appeared to be bowed in shame.
The headline was cruel which she read out loud to him:
CRUSTOPHER GRAVYD EATWELL NIBBLESWICK
UXB Hero Shame! Crusty Gatecrashes
Lady Melonie Hartley-Smythe's
Summer Ball and makes off with carrier bag full
of butties!
UXB Hero Shame! Crusty Gatecrashes
Lady Melonie Hartley-Smythe's
Summer Ball and makes off with carrier bag full
of butties!
Crusty fainted!
25.07.01
© Mollie M
.
25-10-2011, 01:52 AM
107
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)
Oh Carmen, it's a very long time before you come to the end. I'm not sure folk will continue to read, but I hope they do, as there are many adventures, comical escapades and very sad events. Some will have you laughing, and some will have you crying.I just hope folk find the stories interesting, and comical enough, to carry on reading. Some may be a little bit boring on the odd occasion, as in real life, but each will lead on to a new comical escapade, I promise.
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