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26-03-2017, 01:35 AM
11

Re: Jokes for blokes

The philosophy of DIY for men

You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object.

In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.
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JBR
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26-03-2017, 01:44 AM
12

Re: Jokes for blokes

A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy godmother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man said, 'Pardon' to her.

Walking down the street, the woman accidentally bumped into a man who said, 'Pardon me.' To her delight her breasts immediately grew an inch.

The next day, she bumped into a man in the corner shop, and when he begged her pardon, another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven.

That evening, she walked into an Indian restaurant and collided with a waiter, who bowed and said, 'A thousand pardons for my clumsy behaviour.'

The headline in the following morning's paper: 'Indian waiter crushed to death'.
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26-03-2017, 02:03 AM
13

Re: Jokes for blokes

The seven dwarfs are all excited as the new pope is visiting fairy-story land. All week they nudge Dopey, sniggering, 'Well, you can finally ask your question', to which Dopey replies every time, 'Shut up!'

Finally, the day arrives and all the dwarfs are lined up with the other characters from the Snow White story. The pope shakes hands with the evil queen, then Snow White, then slowly makes his way down the line of dwarfs. As he approaches Dopey, there's a small murmur, which gets louder and louder: 'Ask him... ask him... ask him... ASK HIM!'

'Ask me what?' questions the pope.
The dwarfs shove Dopey forwards. 'ASK HIM.'
'What would you like to know?' says his holiness.

'Well,' begins Dopey, 'are any of your nuns black?'
'Hmmm,' ponders the pope. 'As a religion, we Catholics don't differentiate between races, so it's more than probable that quite a few of our nuns are black. Does that answer your question, my son?'

'ASK HIM!!' shout the dwarfs.
'Is there more to your question, young man?'

'Erm... do any of your nuns work in Antarctica?'
'Well, young man, we have nuns all around the globe so it's more than likely that we have a couple in Antarctica. Does that answer your question?'

'ASK HIM!!!!!!!!!' yell the dwarfs.
'Is there more to this question?' asks the pope, now becoming ever so slightly annoyed.

'Erm... are any of these black nuns in Antarctica dwarfs?'
'WHAT?!' splutters the pope. 'I'm sure if we had a black dwarf nun in Antarctica, I would have heard of it. So in answer to your question, NO!'

All the dwarfs collapse on the floor pissing themselves laughing. 'DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN! DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN!'
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26-03-2017, 10:06 AM
14

Re: Jokes for blokes

A newly wed couple return from their honeymoon, the young wife gets a phone call from her mother, " how was the honeymoon dear?" she asks," oh mum it was wonderful" replies the girl, " it was so romantic ,we had a wonderful time" the girl bursts into tears " darling, whatever is the matter" "mum, you've got to take me home" sobs the girl," when we got home he started using these horrible four letter words ,I've never heard anything like it ", the mother asks " what words did he use"? ," no I can't say, mum,its just too awful", darling you must tell me ,I promise I won't be shocked" says mum, " OK mum" she says through the sobs," the words he used were...wash...iron,,,dust...cook"!!
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26-03-2017, 10:16 AM
15

Re: Jokes for blokes

A man and woman are having a big argument on their 40th anniversary,
the man says " when you die I'm having your headstone made to say ,here she lies cold as ever",
the woman replied" yeah, when you die I'll have your headstone to read
here he lies stiff at last"
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26-03-2017, 12:40 PM
16

Re: Jokes for blokes

My wife is the double of Kate Moss.
Kate is eight stones and my wife is sixteen stones.
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26-03-2017, 12:46 PM
17

Re: Jokes for blokes

A woman goes in to see the psychiatrist about her low self-esteem. She is unhealthy, pale and very obese.

After tearfully explaining her predicament, the doctor says, 'Hmm, yes, could you please lie on the floor under the window? Now over next to the door. Now under the bookshelves. Thank you.'

He then occupies himself with writing. The patient, exasperated, interrupts him and asks if there is anything he can offer her.

'No,' he says, 'You need to see your GP about your poor health.'

'Then what was all that stuff you had me do, lying on the floor?'

'Oh, I'm having a new white sofa delivered next week and was wondering where to put it.'
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JBR
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26-03-2017, 08:12 PM
18

Re: Jokes for blokes

We are so poor, my wife's having Ordinary K for breakfast.
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26-03-2017, 08:18 PM
19

Re: Jokes for blokes

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.
The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?'
'Yes'
'Oui'
'Si'
'Ja'
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26-03-2017, 08:23 PM
20

Re: Jokes for blokes

A plane carrying an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Mexican and a Texan is about to crash. The pilot shouts back to them, 'We have to lose weight! If three of you jump, the fourth might be saved!'

The Englishman stands up, shouts, 'God save the Queen!' and jumps.

The Frenchman stands up, shouts, 'Vive la France!' and jumps.

The Texan stands up and shouts, 'Remember the Alamo!' - and throws out the Mexican.
 
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