Quite Unexpected

Yesterday evening (Christmas Eve) about 6pm my daughter phoned to say that her father my ex husband had died suddenly. He was a diabetic and did not look after himself he had also been an alcoholic for years but he always seemed to manage to keep going.

I was married to him for 22 years and he was abusive both mentally and pyhysically towards me and two of my three children. He seemed to hate my eldest son and his behaviour was totally inappropriate towards our daughter. He was a monster and I knew towards the end of our marriage I was in danger of being killed.

He would drive drunk and twice I reported him to the police and his licence was taken away but he still drove drunk particularly when I was at work.

To be honest there were times I would hope that he would drive away and never return but he always did. Finally after a really bloody beating I finally called the police and with the help and support of a friend did not allow him back into our home after he had been released by the police. It was a dangerous nightmare time during which he tried to kidnap me, broke into my home and phone to abuse at all hours of the day and night and no amount of court orders stopped him.

Why is it then that when I heard that he had died the rush of emotion and sadness hit me like a truck. I feel genuine grief for this man who I divorced over 20 years ago. I have a wonderful husband now we have been together for 20. I have no animosity towards my ex husband as I have been halppy and loved.

However, the knowledge that this man only 61 years old is dead and will never have a chance to put things right with his children makes me sad. I am also surprised by the strength of my sadness.

Has anyone else lost an ex had these same feelings?

Re: Quite Unexpected

Oh CC, that must have been a shock, even with the background. Even though the marriage was long over, he still was the father of your children and you loved him once. That's young to die. I've never been in a similar situation, but can understand how the news stirred emotions ... (((hugs)))

Re: Quite Unexpected

I can see what your saying there CC - think it shows what a caring person you are.

He had his chance to put things right, and didn't - they were his choices, and unfortunately, we can't live other people's lives for them or fix all the badness in the world.

*hug*

Re: Quite Unexpected

I think DM put her finger on it. You're mourning the man you knew once, rather than the shadow of a man he had allowed himself to become. It's quite natural.
And that is a young age to die, these days.
Be nice to yourself today

Re: Quite Unexpected

Thank you all for your words. I think I am also feeling sad for my youngest son who cared for his father for some time. He is devastated and really did love his da.

Re: Quite Unexpected

Hi Cate , however acrimonious a relationship may turn out to be there will always be a degree of sadness for a love once shared and lost..

I would go somewhere quiet, hug a pillow and have a little cry, I find this always helps to 'lay old ghosts' ..(hug) x

Re: Quite Unexpected

Hi Meg, it has been difficult as my husband's mother is spending Christmas with me and tears for an exhusband may seem disloyal to her. As you say I have had a cry in the night. I faced my demons and now feel that my youngest son who was this his dad's carer is the one who needs the support. Poor lad, his dad has to have a post mortem.

Re: Quite Unexpected

That is a difficult situation for you, really. As to the post mortem I don't know British law of course, but when my Dad died suddenly of a heart attack there had to be an autopsy. The law here is if you die suddenly and had not been seen by a physician in a preceding period (think it was 48 hours) there must be an autopsy. I do feel so sorry for your son, he must be devastated and taking it hard....

Re: Quite Unexpected

It is only natural, being a caring person such as yourself, that you will feel for the passing of your ex-husband. No matter what happened in the past, it is still very sad for you to hear that news as he was the father of your children.

My thoughts are with you and once the PM is done and dusted, things will move on and you will begin to accept things. I do feel for your young son as well, he will feel it, being his Dad's carer. Time is a good healer.

Take care.

Re: Quite Unexpected

My husband died in hospital but after a procedure can't think of the name but they put a camera into your stomach. My son spoke to him gave him a kiss and went to buy some things for him only to be called back as his father had collapsed and then of course he died.

I know time is a healer and my boy will need a lot of support.