Elderly Parents

My wife and I visited her mother yesterday.
We try to get down to her regularly but with our limited income it has to be pre-planned so that it doesn't clash with something else that we need the money for. Sounds petty I know but it's a necessity at the moment unfortunately.
Anyway, my wife's Mum's noticeably less active than before and the flat was in dire need of a hoover and dusting as usual, which we do but I couldn't help but notice the lack of any real responses from her.
Some time ago my Dad seemed to slip into that nether-world where he didn't want to be here any more and it broke my heart as he just slipped away from the real world; he just didn't want to be here. When he died he didn't even know me.
I asked my wife when we got back about her Mum and she had the same feeling; no interest in life any more and we couldn't even get a smile from her this time.
It's been a quiet day today. My wife's concerned and worried and so am I but there's nothing that we can do.
Anyone else in this position; parent or parents just given-up on life? I don't know what to suggest to my wife. Her brothers and sister don't bother much at all. stevmk2

Re: Elderly Parents

I'm so sorry to hear this. Can't help, I lost my Mom to a stroke when she was 62, and my Dad at 67 with a heart attack, so I never had to face the inevitable fading with age and oncoming Alzheimers .....

Re: Elderly Parents

Yes it is something hubby and I have been through. Our parents are gone now but it is a very difficult time to deal with. Elderly often slip into depression when they become old and tired of the world .My father especially became clinically depressed. He suffered with numerous physical problems that became to much to bear and he prayed every night that he wouldn't waken in the morning.This was something my mother told me after he died. After my father died my mother gradually went from being very out going to being withdrawn and depressed until she died 8yrs.later. Although she was visited and taken on outings regularly by family members nothing seemed to be enough to fill the gap he had left. It leaves you with a feeling of guilt that you could have done more even though you do what you can but that is a negative feeling which does pass because there really isn't anything else you can do when you have done all you can.

Re: Elderly Parents

So sorry to read this, and sadly I am unable to offer any advice having never gone through this. My Dad died suddenly aged 58 (40 years ago)after a massive heart attack, and my Mum died at aged 70 (twenty years ago) after a stroke. My thoughts are with you both......

Re: Elderly Parents

Another coincidence, merz! Same cause of death for parents ............

Re: Elderly Parents

Gosh Eileen, that never registered with me, even after reading your post. My Dad died instantly, and my Mum started with mini-strokes which built up to a big one.

At least we knew it was medical, but I can only imagine the heartache that stevmk2 and his wife are going through when a loved one seems to be giving up on life.

Re: Elderly Parents

My dad died when I was 3 and my mother is now 76 and driving me scatty. Im rather ashamed about my intolerence and am practising being patient and calm but im totally horrified that she's got so dippy.. My rock is crumbling and im hoping she cant tell im stressed by it.

Re: Elderly Parents

At what age does one become an elderly parent? At seventy eight I bother my offspring as little as possible. Eccentric - perhaps - but my cat puts up with me....

Re: Elderly Parents

I am fond of the saying "age is only a number".
Ageing and becoming elderly is more complex than that.
The odds can be stacked against you from birth if you don't inherit good healthy genes but with a little effort there's nothing to stop one from helping themselves to stay fit and healthy for as long as possible. You get out what you put in.

Re: Elderly Parents

Thanks for the replies and some of your thoughts. Nice to know we aren't totally alone in feeling helpless.
My wife's main worry is whether her Mum can continue to look after herself and her flat and judging by the state of the place again it's looking shaky.
The block she lives in was Council-owned and ran but now it's a private company and their rules are that residents must be capable of looking after themselves and their flat - this is for able-bodied elderly people and the rules are becoming strict in this kind of establishment.
We don't know what would happen if it was decided that her Mum was no longer capable because it's the only home she's know for years now.
Social Services and Councils seem to wash their hands of any responsibility now and these Residential Home companies are ruled by financial factors, not human ones so the emphasis is, as per usual these days, profits first, people a poor second.
As for Mum's general attitude we know that there's nothing that we can do about that and it takes us at least an hour and a half just to get there and we are by no means well-off enough to visit weekly.
There is some assistance where she is so we feel that it's best she stays where she is and we're just hoping nothing happens that could jeopardise her tenancy. stevmk2