Hello, goodbye (update@post 68)

Well I have had quite a "break" from the forum, mainly just because my life has been busy with a lot of things (not just cancer) and I have barely had a chance to sit down! Recently though I did log back in, and am glad I didn't completely abandon this forum - not that I could ever do that.

You guys were the first people I told when I was first diagnosed with cancer (and you gave me the strength to fight), so it seems only right that you are the first I tell of the latest news.

The prognosis was never good to begin with, but I suppose I deluded myself by thinking that taking the highest strength chemotherapy and having surgery would "have" to do some damage to the cancer. Alas, things don't always go as you hope.

I found out earlier today that the cancer has spread to my lungs and liver.

My outlook on life has always been "expect the worst, hope for the best", but regardless of how much I had expected the worst news today - nothing could have prepared me for this.

The only treatment would be more chemotherapy, and that would purely be for the purpose of prolonging my life, rather than saving it. It goes without saying that I'd rather have one week free of chemo than three months living with it, so that's out of the question.

I don't know how much longer I have left, and life has shown me that even if the doctors could suggest a time-scale it would probably be inaccurate, so I haven't even asked.

The main thing is that right now I still feel OK, and if I wake up feeling OK tomorrow - then that's one more day I can enjoy life. There is no point trying to preempt death, because you simply cannot. It will happen regardless and worrying about it will only take away what little life you have left.

So, just before typing this I have booked a one-way ticket to Texas, which departs from Aberdeen airport tomorrow.

I witnessed my mother's death and it is something I would never want my daughter to see, and therefore vowed that she would not. I'll say goodbye with dignity and all my faculties intact. That's how she'll remember me. (People can judge me for that if they want, but it's my decision).

I'm not saying this will be my last post, but it will be my last for a while. I need to say my goodbyes to Scotland, get to America and settle there - then I can decide what to do with the rest of my life...

It's strange, when I was younger I thought of the "rest of my life" as being years, but now I think of it in hours and days. But on the other side of the coin, I now appreciate every second ten times more than I appreciated every week when I was young, so it balances itself out.

Bye for now, and God bless.

-Susan. x

Re: Hello, goodbye (update@post 68)

Susan.
I feel so upset for you sitting here, and to tell you the truth, I really am lost for words, and feel quite tearful. You are being as positive about your situation as it is possible to be. I can only wish you a fantastic trip to Scotland and America, and everything else you want to do.

As far as you can, I do hope you get to do anything now that will keep you happy for the rest of your life. Anything you can keep us informed about regarding what you do would be a bonus here.

Thank you for taking your very valuable time to say all you had to say in your post.

Kennyxx

Re: Hello, goodbye (update@post 68)

My heart goes out to you Susan , its not been a good year , but you are taking the right attitude live life how you want and enjoy what time you have left .Hugs to you x.

Re: Hello, goodbye (update@post 68)

Im so sorry to hear this, my thoughts for what they are worth are with you now.

Re: Hello, goodbye (update@post 68)

Hi Susan, what can I say, I have a feeling of déjà vu reading your post, it is an echo of Jim's

I don't know how I would cope in your situation, you are one courageous lady.
I hope you are able to get some pleasure from being with your family in the USA, never give up hope or lose that spirit...
Big hugs x(hugs)x

Re: Hello, goodbye (update@post 68)

I am so very sorry about your diagnosis Susan. I admire and respect the way you are handling things.
I wish you a safe journey to Texas, and remember we will always be here if you feel like a chat.
Good luck. x

Re: Hello, goodbye (update@post 68)

Susan

So much of what you say .. and how you feel is the exact same way it happened with my dear mum... and like you she was an incredibly strong lady.
You have to do what is right for you. If that means going to Texas .. then go gal, go .. and enjoy being you.
It must have been incredibly hard to write your post ...

Hugs and love to an incredible lady ..XX

Re: Hello, goodbye (update@post 68)

Hello Susan, I am so, so sorry to hear this. You are a very brave lady and I admire your positive attitude with moving to Texas, I hope you enjoy your time there.

I hope you have a comfortable journey tomorrow, I'll be thinking of you .... sending you love and hugs xxx

Re: Hello, goodbye (update@post 68)

I hope you have all the support you need in America Susan.


Bless you. You are an inspiration.

Re: Hello, goodbye (update@post 68)

Susan you're a wonderful woman, strong and positive.
Love and blessings to you on your journey x x