Re: Let's have a laugh

Excellent, especially the last one!

I love sarcasm.

Re: Let's have a laugh

Re: Let's have a laugh

I've seen this one before somewhere, still cracked me up again.

Re: Let's have a laugh

Here's a few old airline ones


“TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”

“Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”

“Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

---

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”

Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”

Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”

---

O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”

United 239: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got the Little Fokker in sight.”

---

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?”

Student: “When I was number one for take-off.”

---

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.

If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”

---

There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked.”

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

“Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked,

“The dreaded seven-engine approach.”

Taxiing down the Tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What, exactly, was the problem?”

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant. “It took us a while to find a new pilot.”

---

Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”

Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”

Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”

Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”

---

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.

The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:

“I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”

---

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”

Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn’t land.”

---

While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

“God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”

“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.

Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

Re: Let's have a laugh

Brilliant!

Re: Let's have a laugh

Try these next time you order a pizza on the phone. Keep a straight face mind you!

• Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
  
• Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
  
• When they repeat your order, say “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”
  
• Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
  
• Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”
  
• Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.
  
• When they ask for your phone # give them theirs and see if they notice.
  
• Answer their questions with questions.
  
• Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
  
• Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” CD.
  
• Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
  
• Stutter on the letter “p.”
  
• Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
  
• Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
  
• Change your accent every three seconds.
  
• Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
  
• Ask what the order taker is wearing.
  
• Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
  
• Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
  
• Say “Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say “Well, so is this! You’ve got some explaining to do!” See how they respond
  
• Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
  
• Imitate the order taker’s voice.
  
• Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
  
• Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
  
• Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say “Bed-Wetters’ Camp, right?”
  
• Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni.” Use the long “i” sound.
  
• If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say “OK. That’ll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.”
  
• Eliminate verbs from your speech.
  
• Say it’s your anniversary and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
  
• Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
  
• Ask to see a menu.
  
• Have your pizza “shaken, not stirred.”
  
• Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
  
• Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
  
• If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.
  
• Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
  
• Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say “Where was I? Who are you?”
  
• Psychoanalyze the order taker.
  
• Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
  
• Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”
  
• Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn’t mean it.
  
• If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, “I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.”
  
• Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
  
• Try to talk while drinking something.
  
• Start the conversation with “My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!”
  
• Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
  
• Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
  
• Be vague in your order.
  
• Use CB lingo where applicable.
  
• If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
  
• After ordering, say “I wonder what THIS button on the phone does.” Simulate a cutoff.
  
• Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”
  
• State your order and say that’s as far as this relationship is going to get.
  
• Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
  
• Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
  
• Say “Kssssssssssssssht” rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
  
• When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
  
• Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
  
• Put them on hold.
  
• Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
  
• Mumble, “There’s a bomb under your seat.” When asked to repeat that, say “I said ‘sauce smothered with meat’.”
  
• Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say “No mushrooms, please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
  
• When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it, do you?”
  
• When you’ve given the price, say “Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”
  
• Haggle.
  
• Order a one-inch pizza.
  
• Order term life insurance.
  
• When they say “Will that be all?”, snicker and say “We’ll find out, won’t we?”
  
• Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
  
• While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
  
• Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say “Please don’t mention that word.”
  
• Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell “OW!” when a bullet is fired.
  
• If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
  
• Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
  
• Order a steamed pizza.

Re: Let's have a laugh

Some great laughs here -- I have a couple of friends involved in
aviation - must share with them.

Thanks for the smiles!!

Re: Let's have a laugh

This earlier one is still my favourite:

(Pilot) Number three engine missing
(Mechanic) Engine found on right wing after brief search

Re: Let's have a laugh

A few more, although some are repeated


votes
Pilots Vs Maintenance Engineers

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
S: #2 Propeller seepage normal – #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Re: Let's have a laugh

My favourite.