Almost 50.... dreading it

I am sure most of you know me from Dogsey.

I don't post about is my personal life - and it is getting intolerable.

I'll be brief for now but I am now my elderly mother's carer and I am also her prisoner due to her various issues.

I did not want to move here as I knew this could happen and it has, but living with the most selfish person on earth is taking its toll.

We have some help from Social Services but it is nothing on a daily basis.... she is now going to a daycare centre for a few hours a week but my like has shrunk to the size of a matchbox and every moment is focussed on her from the time I wake up til the time I go to bed.

I can't look after myself properly any more and it is tearing my heart out that I am not doing the best for my dogs either

Sorry... I am desperate to vent somewhere... and nobody will be putting the flags out for my 50th in August.

Sue

Re: Almost 50.... dreading it

Oh Sue, I am so very sorry to hear this. I am sure the good folk on here will do everything they can to help and advise, especially if they've been in your situation.

Welcome to this lovely forum.

Re: Almost 50.... dreading it

I'll put a flag out for you, Sue. Life can throw a lot at you sometimes as I well know, but don't throw in the towel. You will overcome this.
As my old Nan used to say, you'll gain grace from your unselfishness. Be strong.

Re: Almost 50.... dreading it

your only a young lady Sue I cant imgane what its like to be the cargier
I was a care fiers for 20 years with children it shure does were you down at times

Re: Almost 50.... dreading it

As Pixie says you are still a young woman, don't lose sight of that. Older people do get set in their ways and so so selfish, we have often talked about that.

If your mum is able to go to day care then she would be able to be left for a couple of hours in the evening or afternoon while you take care of yourself or the dogs. Maybe you could persuade a neighbour to sit with her or maybe if you talk to the Carers Society they could advise you how to get some respite time.

The Carers Society are absolutely wonderful. You would be surprised how many people are in your position including teenagers and working husbands.

You live in Somerset so look for a Carers Help Line in that area and talk to someone who can actually give you practical help.

I worked for many years with the elderly, children and people with special needs and the carers were the heros day after day just selfessly caring but it doesn't have to be like that.

Re: Almost 50.... dreading it

Just googled carers and came up with a carerstrust forum http://www.carers.org/forums/?gclid=...FcQKfAod5EgFWA

The carers association I was speaking about is Carers UK absolutely brilliant if you ask for help they will try and get it for you.

http://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice

Best of luck to you Sue and remember god helps them who help themselves maybe your mum should try it.

Re: Almost 50.... dreading it

My chin is up, though that requires alcoholic assistance these days, in the evenings

I have got through Day 1 of the enforced Jubileeism*, though only managed to get out of the house for 15 mins to walk dog round the block and buy some tobacco. When indoors this is such a small cottage that I can't escape Mother, and if I try, she is bound to come look for me. She really is that needy. It is like being squeezed.

* If I was living where I was before coming here,I'd have loved the community spirit and events planned and joined in with a whole heart. There's nothing like that here.

Tomorrow she may or may not be going to day care - neither of us are sure if they operate on Bank Holidays, though I think the support worker said yes. Mind you if they forget to pick her up as they have done several times, that's stress and the organiser might not be in her office.

Day care is 10am - 4pm, but the reality for me, it is 11am - 3.30pm as they can be late collecting, and can deliver her back early.

Reasons To Be Cheerful Part 1:

* She may be going to daycare tomorrow, so I can de-stress a bit, it is amazing how I have all sorts of plans to get on buses and or go for amazingly long walks with doggie, but when she is gone I mostly just mooch around as the relief is so great.

* Have 1:1 Agility class booked for Friday. No not mum jumping through hoops [But I like that idea, I really do].
Expensive. But seriously need to do something for myself and doglet who is also suffering. He is my best friend and has been for 6 yrs. And with mum's memory failing, I honestly have more rewarding conversations with him than I do with my mother.

* In about 10 days time I have a care Assessment being done on me.
ME... Meeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!
Not Mum.
To see what will keep me sane. I bloody hope they do what they promise, because this 6hrs off at daycare translates to 5 hrs off for me plus added stress.

This time last year I had organised a quasi-social life for myself... which meant that every Tuesday and Friday afternoon, plus some Sundays, I got on the bus to the next town and visited my sister. I had proper adult conversation and the added bonus of being with someone with whom I had a long shared history and could relate to. We took the dogs for walks, we chatted, we chilled out in the garden, it was perfect.

Mum's health issues stepped up in October and by December I was feeling I'd had the hardest time. ... I'd not been able to do my visits to my sis [the only social outlet I had] and her illness had started to take over.

By Feb it had come to a halt after I'd gone out one day on the bus and come home to neighbours saying she'd gone nuts with panic and they'd called the doctor out. Well that was that - I have not been able to leave her on her own since. Cue standstill on my needs & wants...

Sorry for the long essay but It's been good to write it all down (will print out for care assessment next week) hope you're not too bored.

ENJOY the double Bank Holiday... I sincerely hope you can

xxx

Re: Almost 50.... dreading it

PS: the reason mum's friends are deserting her is because...

i] She can't hold a decent conversation any more.
ii] If she gets panicky and weird they can't cope with it.

With regard to i] I now spend so much time with her that I can't either.

Re: Almost 50.... dreading it

Please contact carersuk for help and advice. Writing it all down for others to read is one thing but talking to someone who can actually help, well that's something else.

Re: Almost 50.... dreading it

Sue I empathise, being a carer is not easy at all. I am my husband's carer since a brain haemorrhage left him brain damaged. I must admit I wish him far enough many a time.

I wouldn't even contemplate looking after my elderly mother, sadly murder is usually on my mind after five minutes in her company.

Carer's UK seems to be a good organisation. I visited their HQ in London a few years back when I did a piece on carers for the BBC1 Politics Show.

I think it is important to express how you feel about being a carer and your situation.