13-11-2018, 08:07 PM
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Rehabs Christmas Tips
Yes, its that time of year. And once again it is time for Rehab to provide you with tips and advice to surviving the Christmas festivities so lets start with the food, and specifically your neighbours or friends food!Christmas eating tips, print this off and take it with to your next christmas party or dinner.
1 Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving something significantly less healthy.
2. Drink as much of others people’s exotic alcoholic beverages as you can, especially if it’s someone who normally has to assess the cost when giving you the time of day (extra points if they are related to you). This opportunity will not present itself until next Christmas or when one of their offspring gets married. Besides, they’d do the same to you. And what the the bloody hell is eggnog all about? it looks like bright yellow snot.....
3. If something comes with sauce of any description, use it in copious quantities. That's the whole point of sauce - pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with sauce. Eat the volcano. Repeat. Nuffing wrong with tomato sauce on your Turkey
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skimmed milk or whole milk. If it's skimmed, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic gear box.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and a fluorescent cocktail.
7. If you come across something good at a buffet table that you’ve never had before and are really delicious, position yourself near them and don't move. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like those fantastic bargains in the sales - if you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again. Avoid the pineapple on a a toothpick, eat the cheese by all means, flick the pineapple at the dog.
8. Same for cakes and mince pies, try everything. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two pieces of Christmas cake, especially if there’s a lot of marzipan, if you don’t like marzipan, then take it home as wrapped in a serviette for the dogs - dogs are the greatest connoisseurs of calorie-laden food in the known universe.
9. If there’s that Stollen stuff, Panetone or other continental offering that sounds like it aught to be an item of clothing used by rock climbers, you can have as much as you like as no-one else will touch it - and it was probably really expensive so it counts double.
10. One final tip: If you don't need some larger items of clothing when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't done it properly.
Whatever happened to good old Pork Pies eh?, chunks of meat,and bloody pickled onions... If I wanted vitamins I would get them out of a bloody jar.
13-11-2018, 08:28 PM
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Re: Rehabs Christmas Tips
Haha! Funny
You missed no.11
If other party goers are re-dipping said carrot/pepper/courgette/breadstick sticks in to low fat hummus and other such vile, runny gloop, AFTER already biting it... feel free to stick your own (non-plastic of course) straw in to their drink and follow them around sipping out of it.
Well, if they want to share saliva.... who are we to argue
13-11-2018, 09:47 PM
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Re: Rehabs Christmas Tips
Originally Posted by Floydy
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Very good, Rehab. Wondered what you'd been doing these past three months. 
I'd love to take that list literally and scoff all that food but I fear I'd die trying it
13-11-2018, 09:48 PM
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Re: Rehabs Christmas Tips
Originally Posted by Rhian
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Haha! Funny You missed no.11
If other party goers are re-dipping said carrot/pepper/courgette/breadstick sticks in to low fat hummus and other such vile, runny gloop, AFTER already biting it... feel free to stick your own (non-plastic of course) straw in to their drink and follow them around sipping out of it.
Well, if they want to share saliva.... who are we to argue
13-11-2018, 11:24 PM
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Re: Rehabs Christmas Tips
Originally Posted by Rehab44
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Ewww
I knew guys at Uni who used to hold parties where they served peanut delights
(People of a delicate position should go now...)
They were a few mouthfuls of peanuts
chewed in their mouths
3until wet n sticky ...
Then (I know I know) dried on a radiator as mini cake shapes (hygienists look away)
Well people WILL double dip!
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