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26-12-2017, 03:45 PM
531

Re: Jokes for blokes

A love-starved widow was so desperate that she went to a local newspaper office and enquired about putting an advertisement in the Lonely Hearts column.

"Well, madam," the assistant said, "we charge a minimum of £1 per insertion."

"You don't say," replied the widow. "Well, then, here's £20 and to hell with the advertisement."
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26-12-2017, 06:41 PM
532

Re: Jokes for blokes

Originally Posted by JBR ->
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse.

Dyslexics of the world - untie!

Two dyslexics were chatting on the Tube.
"Can you smell gas?" the first chap asked.
"I can't even smell my own name," was the reply.

Old MacDonald was dyslexic...K, Y, J, E, O.

Spoke to a mate today. He said he had some bad news from the doctor - the big C!
"Bloody hell, mate, cancer?" I asked.
"No," he said, "Dyslexia."
A dyslexic bloke walks into a bra ........

What about the dyslexc athiest that didn't believe there was a dog?

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27-12-2017, 01:55 PM
533

Re: Jokes for blokes

My girlfriend is a porn star!

She'll be so pissed of when she finds out.
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30-12-2017, 12:35 AM
534

Re: Jokes for blokes

Accidentally said hello to a feminist the other day.
My trial starts on Monday.
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31-12-2017, 01:30 AM
535

Re: Jokes for blokes

ADVICE TO WOMEN

HOW 'BIG' SHOULD A MAN BE?

Don't be shy. It's an important question, and one surrounded by confusion.
The average man's penis is two and half to three inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is somewhat larger than a ballpoint pen.

HOW LONG SHOULD A MAN LAST?

Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once imponderable 30-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go on for up to 45 seconds. Once in a long while, you'll find a man who can 'last' as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don't let your girlfriends know you've landed one of these desirable '60-second wonders'.

To be continued...
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01-01-2018, 04:09 PM
536

Re: Jokes for blokes

ADVICE TO WOMEN

HOW DO I KNOW I'M HAVING AN ORGASM?

The female orgasm is a sensation that's very hard to put into words, but most fulfilled. Experienced women agree that it 'feels like something inside of you'. When a man's penis is inside your vagina, mouth or buttocks, that is an orgasm. You'll find a really skilled lover applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he 'eaves a little something on your plate'. When, after intercourse, you feel a vague sensation there there could be 'more to come', that 'vaguely unsatisfied' feeling, then you can be sure you've experienced a sexually memorable adventure.

WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM?

There is no such thing.

To be continued...
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01-01-2018, 04:50 PM
537

Re: Jokes for blokes

Two kids are playing football in a park in Manchester, when one of the kids is suddenly attacked by a huge Rottweiler, luckily the other kid finds a plank of wood and shoves it in the dogs collar and twists it and breaks the dogs neck!
A man also in the park witnesses this and says to the kid, "That was amazing! I'm a journalist for the Manchester Evening news, I would like to write an article about what just happened."
He starts writing a headline, "United fan saves friend from dog", the kid says, "I'm not a United fan."
He starts again, "City fan saves friend from dog." The Kid says, "I'm not a City fan."
The journalist asks, "Who do you support then?" The kid answers, "Liverpool."
Next day the headlines read "Scouse bastard murders family pet in cold blood!"
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02-01-2018, 02:04 PM
538

Re: Jokes for blokes

ADVICE TO WOMEN

WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX?

This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes. If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you'll see that a man's penis fits naturally into a woman's mouth. On the other hand, a man's mouth does not naturally fit into a woman's vagina. Thus, a woman orally stimulating a man is performing a 'natural' act, but a man seeking to put his mouth on or near your vagina is committing an 'unnatural' act. Why do you think they call the vagina your 'private parts'?

WHAT IS AFTERPLAY?

Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he and you are 'Good in Bed'. Another example of male 'afterplay' is his turning on a football or cricket game immediately after climax. Many women find a particularly satisfying post-coital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack, sandwich, potato crisps and dip, to help her lover put back depleted calories.

To be continued...
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03-01-2018, 11:25 PM
539

Re: Jokes for blokes

ADVICE TO WOMEN

WHAT IS IMPOTENCE?

Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good 'foreplay' technique is to invite a really good-looking girl friend over and do whatever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches.

HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE?

One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stockings, leather or rubber suits will all help get your man's attention. Also, don't keep playing 'one on one'. Invite your more attractive and energetic girl friends over to take part. Another technique, and we think the best, is to use anonymous names. Have your lover call himself 'Mr Smith'. Don't let him tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You'll find it lends an air of real mystery to the affair.
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04-01-2018, 11:54 AM
540

Re: Jokes for blokes

ADVICE TO WOMEN

HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN?

When looking for the ideal man - about 25 to 50, married, on a business trip with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity - go to a local at about 8.30 in the evening. Look around the bar, then, when you've found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons of your blouse, wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, "You're a hunk. Can I buy you a drink?" This is a real conversation ice-breaker and things will progress naturally from here.

To be continued...
 
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