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West Riding of Yorkshire
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31-01-2018, 09:54 PM
561

Re: Jokes for blokes

Saw my wife in stockings and suspenders for the first time last night.

I said, “er, hello dear, you’re back early.”
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02-02-2018, 12:35 AM
562

Re: Jokes for blokes

I shouted at my wife while she was in labour:
"Push honey! Come on and push! You have to push harder!"
She said: “Stop talking to me you fat bastard!”
I mean what does she expect? It's an old car and if she wants to get to the hospital we need to get it started somehow...
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03-02-2018, 02:20 PM
563

Re: Jokes for blokes

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, yourwilly was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops"
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03-02-2018, 03:29 PM
564

Re: Jokes for blokes

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03-02-2018, 08:59 PM
565

Re: Jokes for blokes

That's the best one I've heard yet, Judd.

My wife says she'd say the same!
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04-02-2018, 01:26 AM
566

Re: Jokes for blokes

Want to hear something REALLY funny??
I didn't get it.
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04-02-2018, 10:20 AM
567

Re: Jokes for blokes

Funny you should post that now Judd, we were in the kitchen shop on Saturday choosing work tops for the new kitchen.....

Does she know something I don't?......

Brilliant Judd.....
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04-02-2018, 10:40 AM
568

Re: Jokes for blokes

Two blondes returned to their car only to find they had locked the keys in, “ shall we get a coat hanger and pop the lock asks the first blonde, “ no” the other blonde says,” people will think we are trying to break in” the first blonde then says, “ well let’s get a knife and cut the rubber seal and then pop the lock” , again the second blonde says, ‘ no, people will think we are too stupid to use the coat hanger” “well” the first blonde says, “ we’d better do something quick, it’s starting to rain, and the sunroofs open”.
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04-02-2018, 10:57 AM
569

Re: Jokes for blokes

It was 1960, an old Italian man went to see his parish priest, “father” will you hear my confession “ asks the elderly man, “ of course my son” replies the priest, the man continues, well at the beginning of ww2, a beautiful young woman knocked at my door and asked if I would hide her from the Germans, so I hid her in my attic and they never found her” that’s a wonderful thing and nothing to confess “ replies the priest, “ it’s worse “ says the man, “ I was weak and said she would have to pay for rent of the attic with sexual favours “ “ well it was a very difficult time and you took a large risk and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her” replied the priest, he continued, “ I know god will , in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and evil and judge you kindly”, thank you father “ said the old man, “ just one more question “”yes my son “ said the priest, the old man says “ do I need to tell her the war is over”....?
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04-02-2018, 11:19 AM
570

Re: Jokes for blokes

 
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