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10-10-2011, 11:47 PM
13
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)
2Crusty - A Lonely Old Man
(and Is It Any Wonder)?
His mind drifted off in time as he remembered things in his recent past, before he met his darling Bel.
Crusty shifted and grunted in sleep then suddenly one bleary piggy little eye flirted open in alarm.
"Wot's'appenin', wot's gooin' on?"
Then he heaved a sigh of relief. It was just a dream but one of the worst he'd ever had. He'd dreamt that there was a national bread strike! The makers of bread, pies and cakes having a strike? That wasn't a dream. It was a nightmare!
"Wor'an 'orrible dream. It dun't bear thinking about having't do without a butty or a pie! I mit as weelt cut me own throat! Am always having daft dreams me!"
Paaarp!
"Oops! Phew, wor'a pong! Am goin't 'ave't stop aytein' them mushy peys!"
He waited another five minutes then, unable to stand the smell any longer, shambled out from under his moth-eaten eiderdown and felt underneath the bed for his smelly socks and slippers. He put on the rest of his less than clean clothes and his old blue jumper then was ready for the day.
It didn't occur to him to go for a wash! It never does, so he went downstairs and put on the kettle and had some toast, then he turned on his beloved Macaroni radio only to hear his favourite lady country singer, Crustle Gayle.
Crusty adores music and the next song to come up was another favourite, The Crustle Chandeliers and he sang along to it, making his own words up as he went along.
"Int'it funny how a lorra songs and singers have the word crust in 'em, just like my name? It's proper funny thar'is!"
He finished his cup of tea and toast and headed off for the little cafe where he works part time clearing dishes and so on from ten till one. For his services he receives a mug of tea and a pie, chips and mushy peas meal for lunch, but he knew he could always have a nibble on the leftovers from the customers' plates whilst working. There was always the odd chip and a bit of pie-crust left over, so the toast would put him on for another hour or so!
Crusty is never happy unless his belly's full!
Walking past his local church he heard the strains of Bread of Heaven, which is one of the hymns Crusty loves to hear. It's only a Saturday in July, but the Harvest Festival rehearsals are already in full swing and again he sang along to the hymn.
Bread of Heaven, Bread of Heaven
I could ayte another loaf ....
A - no - ther loaf
I could ay - te a-another loaf!
Wor'a bluddy racket! The townsfolk clapped their hands to their ears!
"I wonder wor'it's like back on't Sandwich Islands where I were born all them years ago. I'd love't go back for an 'oliday so if I wins lottery toneet pr'aps that's worrall do, burra wouldn't know weer't start off from! I think it's a long way away from worra can remember!"
Whilst at work he had to run the gauntlet of unkind people making references to the smell which always accompanies him.
"Why don't ya ger’a bluddy good wash!" were some of the kinder remarks or "Ya stinks like a bluddy owd cowshed! Ger’a bluddy shower when ya gets wom ya nasty owd gobsh!te!"
"Sorry owd lad. I will when'a get wom! I forgot have a wash this morning!"
"Aye well, ger'it done. Ya shuddn't be anywhere near bluddy food! We'll end up wi't bally warch 'cos o' thee!
Paaarp!
"Phew! Ya nasty owd bugger!"
"Sorry!"
The cafe owner had been seriously thinking about getting rid of Crusty for a while, but somehow just hadn't got round to it, yet!
Crusty lolloped about collecting dirty dishes, dashed into the kitchen, gobbled down any leftovers, then whooshed back with a cloth to wipe the tables, always with a grin on his chops.
When he finished work at one he went straight back home, put on the radio again and scanned the TV programme guide to see what was on. There were quite a few things actually that a lonely old man with no one to talk to could watch.
Let us now enter the food-fixated mind which belongs to Crusty, and I can introduce you to his solitary brain cell!
"Neh then si' thi'! There's a film wi' young Bread Pitta in it. Or is it Pitta Bread? I can never remember!"
It's Brad Pitt, Crusty!
"Th'owd sixties sitcom Pledges Pickles with Hilda Baker and th'owd sixties cop series Highway Patrol is on an' all wi' Breaderick Crawford! I loves these owd programmes better than any o' t'others! They don't make 'em like these any more!"
Crusty scrutinised the page again.
"Hang on! Breaderick Crawford? Didn't he make biscuits at one time? Neh then si' thi' look here! Th'Owd African Queen's on again wi' Humphrey Breadcart. There's a lor'on't telly toneet for a change!"
He started to get hungry again and wondered why.
The songs were pouring out from the radio, Mouldy Old Dough, Kneads Up Mother Brown then that fabulous saxophone song Baker Street.
He had another cup of tea and nibbled on some short bread whilst scanning the telly programmes. Crusty loves cookery programmes and his favourites are the Caribean cook, Crusty Lee, I mean Rusty Lee, with her enormous sense of fun and Ainsley Harricot! The TV sitcom Bread with the Boswells wasn't really his thing, but it was quite funny. No, he would settle for the gentleness of a Disney film, Breadknobs and Breadsticks!
You see how his mind works now?
Unfortunately Crusty isn't the best reader in the world and stays clear of Shakespeare, Dickens and the Brontes, preferring a little lighter reading, like the Dandy and Beano!
This is a typical day in the life of Crusty. Doesn't do much, doesn't say much and spends most of his time alone, until he meets a certain lady later on in these tales, and then he does too much, says too much and gets himself in the most incredible scrapes you couldn't possibly imagine!
It should be borne in mind that the following tales are true and that the reader should remember at all times that Crusty's only loves are food, money, music and TV, in that order!
The problem with Crusty at this early stage of his capers is that he is relatively quiet and gets into little mischief, only caring about when his next meal is and if he can scrounge money out of people.
The real worries begin when he meets the greatest love of his life!
And the most fun!
10-10-2011, 11:50 PM
14
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)
It was now nearing the time of the Nativity and Crusty wasn't looking forward to it one bit. He hated all of it - the Crispmus Carols, Crispmus trees, Crispmus cards. It was a load of old codswallop! The one thing he did enjoy though was watching Charles Dickens' Scrooge with Alastair Sim on the telly playing the lead role.They always showed it this time of year, and his favourite character was old Bredernezer Scrooge himself. The character reminded him of someone but he couldn't think who it was!
I can!
He was on his way to the Club tonight for a game of bingo with high hopes of winning the jackpot and when the bingo was finished he went home again to 13 Bakewell Drive. On opening his front door he realised the central heating was still on. It was red hot in there, like an oven!
"Wot the 'ell amma doin' at all leavin't th'eatin' on? Ickle cost me a fortune this!"
He rushed to turn off the heating and pulled his old beige jumper on over the top of the old blue jumper then on went the telly as usual and, flicking through the channels, he paused to see what was on tonight.
"Si' thi' th'Okneadin Line's on again! It makes me shudder when I sees all that watter all in one place! It's not normal!"
Crusty, being ablutophobic, switched over again, but he soon got fed up so turned back to the channel which had singing on.
Lou Rolls sang the lovely ballad If I Only Had Thyme, then after that there was UB40 singing that great reggae song, Bread, Bread, Wine.
Are you beginning to see the way his mind works? These first few chapters make references to his food-fixation just to give you an idea of what he's like. Further references to food become fewer as you read on but, notwithstanding, you'll still see them there, where you wouldn't normally have done before reading these tales!
On the next channel he turned to, there was a holiday programme with bargains to Tuna-isia, Sardines-ia and Turkey. He was amazed that nearly every channel he watched reminded him somehow of food and he was getting "bluddy" hungry yet again, so he left the telly for a moment and went into the kitchen to see what there was. There was lots to eat here so he made a start on a snack.
He found some finger rolls and sandwich spread and made himself a butty, then returned to his telly. He flicked over to another music programme again and was glad he did. Eddy Calvert was on this time with his Golden Trumpet.
"Neh, this is worra calls music. I loves the Crumpet Voluntary. It's a bluddy belter this!"
As the "Crumpet" Voluntary ended he endeavoured to find something else worth watching. On one of the BBC programmes he heard there was a programme about the extinct bird, the dough-dough.
There was a fascinating insight into the recently discovered Bread Sea Rolls and other Biblical offerings explaining the manna from Heaven and how the forty thousand were fed on five loaves and two fishes. There would have been only just enough for him there. He marvelled at the thought.
He reflected on his younger days. As a child back on the Sandwich Islands his grandparents had bought him a little pedal car made out of bamboo for Crispmus. He'd loved his naan and grandbappy.
When he got a little older, not being particularly well educated but good at sport, he
joined a cricket team and he still had his old cricket bap. He treasured that bap as it had been signed by all the team. He enjoyed playing and wasn't brilliant, but he would always rise to the occasion.
He was introduced to horse racing in his teens, but Crusty would only back thorough-breads because they had the word "bread" in it.
Crusty didn't actually own anything except for what people gave him. His son decided to buy him a mobile phone so they could keep in touch, but Crusty misunderstood what it was for. All he saw on it was Orange so he ate it. It was a bit crunchy, but it wasn't bad with a bit of salt and pepper.
He stopped flicking through the channels.
"Oh before I forgets. I've got to write out a shoppin' list for tomorrer!"
He picked up his biro and some paper and started to write in a childish fashion.
Kitchen rolls, toilet rolls, oh and he kneaded a roll of bacon foil as well, and a bag of flour. He couldn't cook, but a woman said that if he ever wanted a pie making she'd bake one for him. In exchange he would mow her garden. There was no end to his talents and would do anything for a crust!
He can very often be found scuttling around moidering and mythering people to deeth! Moidering or mythering - it depends which part of Lancashire you're from - driving people bonkers. He thought he was so popular but the opposite was true.
He wondered how he was doing for money and checked his account. Yep, still in the red as he expected, but he'd manage somehow. He always did.
He put down his paper and biro and went back to the telly. One more channel to look at. Great! He didn't know this was on. He sighed loudly and settled back to watch the film, which was just starting. He knew all about this sort of thing and was thrilled when a so-called friend told him he looked remarkably like the actors.
"Tha' knows Crusty owd lad. Next time it comes on tha' wants't watch that film. Tha' just favvers one o't main characters!"
"Oh, ta very muchly. I'll watch it next time it comes on then!"
The credits rolled up the screen and on came the title:
"The Night of the Living Dead!"
Now which of the actors/zombies did he look like?
Well, pretty much all of them really. It's the way he dresses!
Wor’a bluddy shame!
Crusty watched the film trying to find the good looking, handsome man he had been likened to then, with sad old eyes, realised he'd been made the butt of yet another joke!
It wouldn't be the first.
Paaarp, paaarp!!
It wouldn't be the last!
Paaar - rip!
© Mollie M
31.05.01
11-10-2011, 12:59 AM
19
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)
Originally Posted by Mollie
->
Thank you, Kitty. Did you read both chapters? I'll be putting Chapter 3 on very soon. 
I noticed you had posted earlier this evening but i was unable to get back until late on.
11-10-2011, 01:13 AM
20
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)
Originally Posted by Kitty
->
Yes i did read them both Mollie, however due to the time and the fact i am flagging, i will be giving both chapters another read tomorrow when i feel fresherI noticed you had posted earlier this evening but i was unable to get back until late on.
Bless ya lass, and once again, many thanks for reading me humble writings. I truly do appreciate any kind of feed-back, be it constructive or critical. Chapter 3 tomorrow night, if you're up for it.
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