Re: Jokes for blokes

Tip for women.

Keep cool this summer by washing the dishes in cold water.

Re: Jokes for blokes

A Scouser inadvertently goes into a gay bar for a beer. He sits at the bar supping his pint, when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck.

He approaches the Scouser and whispers something into his ear, whereupon the Liverpudlian turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to punch the living hell out of the homosexual, fist after fist, beating him out of the door, kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and stamping until the victim lies comatose.

The Scouser then dusts himself down and calmly returns to his pint at the bar, while the horrified staff and clientele stand silent and motionless. Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what happened.

"Bloody hell mate, what on earth did he whisper to you?"

Scouser: "Dunno. Something about a job."

Re: Jokes for blokes

Ann Irishman, an Aussie and a Scouser are in a bar and spot Jesus drinking on his own. They each send him a drink over and he sips each one slowly.

When he's finished, he walks over to the Irishman and shakes his hand and thanks him for the Guinness. "Stone me," says the Irishman, "my arthritis is gone!"

Jesus then thanks the Australian for the Fosters. "Strewth mate," says the Aussie, "my bad back's cured!"

Jesus then approaches the Scouser, who runs away screaming, "Bugger off, you git. I'm on disability benefit."

Re: Jokes for blokes

Ulrika Jonsson is naked in her bathroom and speaking on her mobile phone. Suddenly she slips over on the wet tiles, drops her phone, slides across the floor and hits the wall with the phone now firmly lodged inside her rectum.
The caller, hearing the accident calls an ambulance which rushes her to hospital.

She was fine. Well, it's not the first time she has had an Ericsson up her arse.

Re: Jokes for blokes

Kate Middleton once asked the Queen 'What's the secret to a long life?'

The Queen replied 'Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off'.

Re: Jokes for blokes

When a woman wears a bikini, she exposes 90% of her bare flesh but us men are so considerate - we only look at the covered bits.

Re: Jokes for blokes

OK you men, you have gone too far now! You sexually abuse us women with you jokes.... and now you want us to start doing your washing up!

BTW, I have removed your hot water tank thermostat.... so be careful when you step in the shower!

Re: Jokes for blokes

You speak for yourself; I look at the legs.

Then, after a while, the face - just to make sure.

Re: Jokes for blokes

You too Twink when you clean it afterwards.

Re: Jokes for blokes

Dongle, go to your room, I will deal with you later!