An elderley mothers letter to her son

This is just part of a long letter:

"Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing well.
You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from home, so we moved.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine... I'm not sure it works too well though because last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and I haven't seen it since.
Your father's got a good job now, he's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you'll be an aunt or an uncle yet.
Your brother Tim is still in the army. He'd only been there a short while and they'd already made him a court marshall.
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey at the brewery. some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him but it took three days to put the fire out.
I'm sorry to say that your cousin Donald was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling. . . . . "

This is quite a long letter, so if you like it, I'll copy the next bit another day folks.

Re: An elderley mothers letter to her son

Nice one Mups.

Re: An elderley mothers letter to her son

Some good ones there Mups, but it reminded me of something from my army days, so here's another exchange of letters between a mother and a son who joined the army....

Dear Mother, it's a bastard, sell the pig and buy me out.

Dear Son, so are you. The pig's dead. Soldier on.

Re: An elderley mothers letter to her son

yes please Mups and good one Plantman.

Re: An elderley mothers letter to her son

enjoyed that Mups.

Re: An elderley mothers letter to her son

Good one Barry. Got to have a larf ey.