Go On Have A Laugh.

Remember the old-time Jewish comedians of Vaudeville days - Shecky Green,
Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You
may have only heard of them, but don't we all miss their kind of humour? Not
a single swear word in their comic routines like
today:

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the
airport.



* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out,
she'll kill me!



* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief
spends less than my wife did.



* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.



* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it
the Dead Sea .



* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.



* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud
fell off.



* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill,
so the doctor gave him another six months.



* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"



* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See!
What did I tell you?"



* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how
do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"



* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"



* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought
here for drinking. " The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."



*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.



* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.



*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like
Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is
because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates
from law school.



Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.



*Q : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A : It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."



*Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.



*A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too good,"
said the mother. "I've been very weak. " The son said, "Why are you so
weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said,
"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? " The mother answered,
"Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."



*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices
for dinner - Take it or leave it.



*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in
the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of
the Jewish husband. " The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the
teacher you want a speaking part."



Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A : Under the vacuum cleaner.



Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a
nuisance to anybody."



Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's
eat.



A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his
birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says,
"What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"



Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street
and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she
replied.



Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.



Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised? A : Because Jewish women don't like
anything that isn't 20% off.

Re: Go On Have A Laugh.

Theres some great ones there !
Love the old comics, compared to today, they have no right to talk, let alone make me laugh - which they dont .....
Ooo - I've come over all 'Jewish'

Re: Go On Have A Laugh.

Nice one Longfellow.

Re: Go On Have A Laugh.

Really good

Re: Go On Have A Laugh.

The reason we don't see humour like that any more is because they'd be considered racist.

Question, why do people laugh at comedians who use bad language? half the time the joke isn't funny and wouldn't get so much as a titter if the swearing wasn't in there.

Re: Go On Have A Laugh.

a 'sheep trend' - I switch off
Billy connolly is so funny would always watch him - what a shock when he does his stage work which was televised - continuous swearing which sounded really naff and totally ruined, had to switch off ....

Re: Go On Have A Laugh.

You can't beat the Jewish sense of humour Longfellow, thanks for a good laugh.

Re: Go On Have A Laugh.

Yes Richard Pryor another example great comedy actor with Gene Wilder he made some great movies that would have me in stitches. But saw the guy on stage as a stand up comedian he had a foul mouth which made him a nonentity from then on with me.