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philwhiteland
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philwhiteland is offline
Derbyshire, UK
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08-10-2015, 09:00 AM
191

Re: Phil's Phings

There must be a dearth of Archers fans on here
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solo
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08-10-2015, 10:30 AM
192

Re: Phil's Phings

Originally Posted by philwhiteland ->
There must be a dearth of Archers fans on here

I can hum the tune... does that count phil

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philwhiteland
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08-10-2015, 11:07 AM
193

Re: Phil's Phings

Originally Posted by solo ->
I can hum the tune... does that count phil

Billy Connolly said we should have it as our National Anthem - I think he might have a point
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philwhiteland
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philwhiteland is offline
Derbyshire, UK
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19-10-2015, 04:21 PM
194

Re: Phil's Phings

Nifty Shades of Grey - an endless sketch!

The scene is set in the Menswear section of a department store. A very nondescript gentleman is wandering bemusedly around the various stands. A salesman approaches, optimistically:

Salesman: "Good morning sir, how are we today?"

Nondescript Gent: "I'm fine; I can't speak for you of course"

S: "I meant, can I help sir out at all"

NG: "I've only just come in!"

S: "Very droll, sir. Is sir looking for anything in particular today?"

NG: "I was thinking about clothes"

S: "I think of little else, sir. Any particular garment at all? I have a rather nice houndstooth jacket that might take your fancy?" [He plucks a sleeve from a rack]

NG: "Oh no, that would be far too…definite. I'm hoping for something irredeemably tedious"

S: "Irredeemably tedious, really? I do have a beige pair of trousers that many have said are quite dull, would that be what sir had in mind?"

NG: "Beige? it's a bit…colourful, isn't it?"

S: "Oh, not these, sir." [Flourishes a pair of very boring beige trousers from a nearby rack] "No-one could ever accuse these of anything approaching colour."

NG: "They're a little…dramatic for my taste. If I was thinking of anything, I suppose I was thinking of grey."

S: "Grey? Yes, I suppose sir would be. How about this?" [He produces a pair of smart, charcoal grey trousers]

NG: [shrinking back in horror] "They're very…very grey, aren't they? Very definitely grey"

S: [reproachfully] "Sir did say he was thinking of grey"

NG: "Well, yes, but thinking of it and it coming at you like that, out of the…out of the…"

S: "Out of the grey, sir?"

NG "Yes, yes, I suppose so. Well, it gave me a start, that's all"

S: "These are not to sir's taste?"

NG: "Have you anything that's not quite so definitely grey?"

S: [dubiously] "Not so definitely grey? Could sir perhaps give me some illustration of what he had in mind?"

NG: "Well, you know if you've washed a pair of white trousers with something black, by mistake, and the colour's run? That sort of thing."

S: "White trousers washed with black?" [he muses for a moment] "One moment, sir"

The salesman retires to a storeroom and there is the sound of packets being hurled about. Eventually he appears, with dishevelled hair but clutching a cellophane packet of trousers.

S: "These are from our Insipid collection. As you might imagine, it never really caught the imagination of the clothes-buying public and we now keep just a few items in stock for the, erm…discerning customer." [He produces a pair of trousers of indeterminate greyness from the packet] "Would these be the sort of thing that sir had in mind?"

NG: "Gosh, they really are rather dull, aren't they?"

S: "I think sir's term 'irredeemably tedious' rather sums it up"

NG: "Yes, yes, I think you're right. I almost forgot they were there, even while I was staring at them"

S: "I had much the same experience in the stock cupboard, sir. Shall I wrap them, or will sir wear them right now?"

NG: "Can you wrap them, please?" [conspiratorially] I rather want to delay the pleasure of wearing them until I get home."

S: [moving swiftly to the cash register, with some relief] "I quite understand. Will there be anything else, sir?"

NG: "I could do with a shirt to go with them. Do you have anything in off-white?"

S: [placing his hands over both eyes and sighing dramatically] "Off-white? Would sir mind if I enquired as to sir's occupation?"

NG: "I'm.......

I'm looking for a punchline for this - any suggestions?
TessA
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19-10-2015, 04:25 PM
195

Re: Phil's Phings

An actor for washing powder commercials?
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Jem
Chatterbox
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Dublin
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19-10-2015, 05:00 PM
196

Re: Phil's Phings

“I’m sitting in the House of Lords… do you have an off white pillow to go with that?”
Robert Junior will particularly like that having being in that game for many years.
‘Houndstooth’ cloth and I remember the ‘Cavalry Twill’ trousers too.
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philwhiteland
Senior Member
philwhiteland is offline
Derbyshire, UK
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 183
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19-10-2015, 05:04 PM
197

Re: Phil's Phings

Originally Posted by TessA ->
An actor for washing powder commercials?
I like that, Tessa
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philwhiteland
Senior Member
philwhiteland is offline
Derbyshire, UK
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 183
philwhiteland is male  philwhiteland has posted at least 25 times and has been a member for 3 months or more 
 
19-10-2015, 05:05 PM
198

Re: Phil's Phings

Originally Posted by Jem ->
“I’m sitting in the House of Lords… do you have an off white pillow to go with that?”
Robert Junior will particularly like that having being in that game for many years.
‘Houndstooth’ cloth and I remember the ‘Cavalry Twill’ trousers too.
Bit of politics crept in there, Jem
 
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