Re: Smiles.

A guy calls the company and orders their 5 day - 5kg weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kgs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5day - 10kg program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kgs, as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day - 25kg program.
‘Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,

'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 31kgs that week...
+++++++++++++++

Bobby was visiting his father at the nursing home and noticed pop kept leaning over the side of his chair. As they are talking, a nurse kept coming over to sit his father upright. This happens repeatedly throughout the conversation. Bobby is becoming concerned about his Dad's mental state. "So, Dad, how do you like it here?" his dad replies, "It's okay, but they never let me fart!"

Re: Smiles.

A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"£150!", she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now £150.00."

Re: Smiles.

Re: Smiles.

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a
group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe
in the goodness of people and that there is hope for
the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building. One day
Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a
house on the empty plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung
around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less
adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important. They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope
containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to
her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the
bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the
cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work'
on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the bank cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men
building a big house."

"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house
again this week, as well?" The little girl thought for a moment and said...

"I think so. Provided those F.u.****s at Jewson deliver the f**king bricks."

Now pass this lovely story on to your friends, or a bunch of Pikeys will
tarmac your drive whether you want it or not.

Re: Smiles.

Brilliant, and I thought this was going to be a true 'feel good' story too!

Re: Smiles.

Top Thirty Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that"; has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
5. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
6. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
7. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
8. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
9. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
10. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
11. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
12. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
13. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
14. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
15. Good chocolate is easy to find.
16. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
17. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
18. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbours awake.
19. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.
20. A chocolate never forgets to tell you they liked you better with long hair.
21. A chocolate never snaps your bra or pinches your bum.
22. Chocolate can stay hard for a week, and satisfies even when it has gone soft.
23. You can safely have chocolate while driving.
24. You can have chocolate on your desk without upsetting your workmates.
25. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
26. It's easy to find 9 inches of chocolate.
27. Chocolate doesn't make you preggers.
28. You don't have to wait until half-time to talk to your chocolate.
29. You won't find out later that your chocolate is married.
30. You won't find out later that your chocolate is on penicillin.

Re: Smiles.

Good one! Lol!

Re: Smiles.

Janet Street Porter goes into a pub and asks "Can I get a large aperitif?"
The barman replies "I shouldn't think so"

Re: Smiles.

I'm sure he's right as well!

Re: Smiles.