When We Have Gone

Right away I want to say that I do not wish to offend anyone. What feels right for me does not necessarily feel right for you and I have absolutely no wish to impose my opinion on anyone else.

My subject is what should happen to our bodies after we have died. Please leave this thread if you find it offensive. My own view is that I do not care what happens to my remains. This is because I do not regard those remains as being ‘me’. In my personal opinion there simple won’t be a ‘me’ anymore.

I have some experience of this subject which I wish to relate in order to explain my thinking. 1964 my mother died at the rather early age of 59. My older brother, who was permanently living abroad, came over for the funeral. I told him that she had clearly told me that she wished to be cremated. He was quite unhappy at this and tried to talk me out of it by asking whether I was sure that she had said that. I replied that I was absolutely sure of it. It was obvious to me that he had been influenced by his wife who was, and indeed still is, a Roman Catholic. I insisted on doing what she had wanted.

He then objected to the Crematorium’s plan to scatter her ashes on their very attractive and extensive garden. We then compromised by having some of the ashes put in an ornamental urn placed in a niche. A suitable inscription was agreed and inscribed on the urn. My brother returned to his home and we both got on with our lives. The contract with the Crematorium was initially for ten years. In 1974 they wrote to me asking whether I wished the urn to remain for another 10 years. I replied that I did and sent the appropriate cheque. This was repeated at ten year intervals.

This year after 50 years had elapsed I reconsidered this whole matter. The cost was not a problem. I could easily afford to continue but why was I doing this? It would surely not be that long before I myself became the subject of such decisions. Why had I continued this practice? (I had not discussed the matter again with my brother since the funeral and he has now died in 2006 and is buried in a ‘proper’ grave.)

I suppose that at each 10 year interval I must have felt that I should continue out of loyalty to my mother. I can only recall two actual visits to the urn in the intervening time. Having thought about it I now feel that all this was (for me, at least) misplaced. She was not present in the urn. She is present in many photographs that I have and even more powerfully in my many vivid memories of her. That is her memorial. That isn’t going to last forever but while I am alive that is what matters and the urn is no longer needed.

I informed the Crematorium of this and even there was a further matter to be considered. Paying respectful attention to doing the right thing the staff asked me whether I wished to be present when the ashes are finally scattered in the garden. I said that I did not. I realise that for some people that is regarded as saying goodbye to the departed. For me that would not have been the case. I said goodbye 50 years ago. And the one true memorial will remain intact as long as I still live.

I intend to let it be known that my family can do whatever they find appropriate. I won’t ‘mind’ whatever they do. I won’t be there.

Re: When We Have Gone

I have to admire my late parents wishes. My father was a keen fisherman in Cornwall (Perranporth ) most of his married life and my mother loved the beach.

When my father passed away he wanted his ashes cast over the sea there. When My mother passed away she wished her ashes to be cast on the beach.

What a nice thought the two meeting up forever more with the sea and sand .

Ok stupid and soppy but I like it

Re: When We Have Gone

I like that too - truly lovely

Re: When We Have Gone

A good post Mr Magoo,i want to be cremated which my family know,i have not got it in writing where those ashes should be spread though .and when .
I dont like the idea of being left on a shelf somewhere in a Urn ,my FIL died last year ,he told us he wanted to be cremated and where is ashes were to be spread,,but there was nothing said verbally or in writing when them ashes should be spread..,,,So they were kept for a year next to the TV.
I thought it was his son decision when they should be spread ,but in my eyes he had not been laid to rest and the thought of him being there for ever ,made me speak up and so his wishes were completed a year after dieing.

Re: When We Have Gone

I agree, excellent post, there's no 'dodging' the issue. I'm on the organ donor register and then what's left can be cremated, don't want anyone feeling they have to trudge around a cemetery just to put flowers on a slab of stone - I would like to think my wishes will be respected but who knows.....
Being Catholics my dad was buried but my mum, non Catholic, was cremated and her ashes buried with my dad, these were their wishes.

Re: When We Have Gone

I've made my will and stipulated I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered in the garden of remembrance, very simple, my solicitor will handle everything rather than let family decide on what they think is best which more than likely wouldn't be what I wanted

Re: When We Have Gone

I think a person`s wishes should be respected. For quite a few years I used to fish with with this man-he loved the River Ivel

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/River_Ivel


His wish was to have his ashes scattered over the river. When he died `others` thought it not appropriate.

Re: When We Have Gone

What the caterpillar perceives is the end is just the beginning.

Caterpillar to Chrysalis to Butterfly the same three stages might also apply to us and we are merely in the somewhat prolonged Chrysalis stage. Gradually our body (case) is degenerating and soon we will discard it as we will have no further use for it.

Re: When We Have Gone

that's a shame, had he stipulated what he wanted things may have been quite different or perhaps his wishes were ignored?

Re: When We Have Gone

The subject of when we are gone has been discussed a number of times on here over the years and my reply is still the same.

It matters not to me what my family do with my body but I think I will cause the minimum of inconvenience by having a woodland burial so at least I provide nourishment for some trees and flowers which will hopefully bring pleasure to the living

http://www.woodlandburials.co.uk/conditions.htm