10-01-2012, 01:45 AM
125
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
72
Crusty's Running Scared
(and Bel Does A Runner!)
Crusty's Running Scared
(and Bel Does A Runner!)
Next day he was up bright and early, and he dug out his mad Hallowe'en costume that he'd made ages ago. He couldn't wait to show it to Bel!
Out it all came again. Soreen's old thick black tights with the ladders running up the back, the Batman sweat shirt and the monster mask that the kids had thrown at him.
He'd even kept the ridiculous cape made from a black bin liner and his stupid pointed dunce's hat with tresses of black bin liner strips for hair.
At the same time, Bel was also getting her costume ready again in the hope that Crusty didn't forget again and decide instead to go for a walk up the Himalayas with his bag of butties in search of a Yeti for the afternoon, or to Russia to hunt for a Sabre Toothed Siberian Crusty! She couldn't wait to show her costume to him!
Just as she was thinking, the phone rang and she absent-mindedly answered without looking at the read-out on her display panel.
"Hello Crustabel L .......!"
"Hiya Bel. This is Crusty Nibbleswick speaking from my telephone in my lickle hall in my house at 13 Bakewell Drive."
She rolled up her eyes.
"Yes Crusty, wot d'ya want?"
"Er ..... I forgot! Wot were it I wanted't ask ya now Bel? Can ya remember wor'it was?"
She said nothing but waited patiently. Well, sort of!
"Bel, Bel, are ya theer Bel. Do ya know worra wanted ya for Bel? Worisit?"
"How the bluddy hell do I know wot YOU wanted ME for ya festerin' little scab?"
Crusty had leapt back three feet when she yelled at him down the phone and had stuck his thumb in his mouth, as usual. He stood rocking on his ankles and waited till she'd finished her tirade. He thought it had been a reasonable sort of question.
"Sorry Bel. I've remembered worra wanted ya to ask me now."
"Well worisit? Ger'on wi' it and ger'it off yer chest!"
"It's nor'in me chest Bel, it's in me brains!"
She slapped a big hand over her mouth stifling the throaty laugh, which threatened to shake the trees outside.
"Wot brains?"
"Don't be like that Bel. I must have at least one or two!"
"Nobody's getten two brains and it's still being debated in the European Parliament as to whether ya've getten even one, or if it's just half a one!"
"How come yer always making fun o' me Bel? In fact, why does EVERBODY make fun o' me?"
"It's 'cos yer daft. Now come on. Worisit ya wanted to ask me?"
"I've forgetten again! Can you remember? Oh no, I know now. Worra wanted't ask ya Bel is wot time will I have to be in't Club toneet?"
They planned on meeting in the Club at seven o'clock so that they could get some decent seats and, Bel being there first, had chosen the first table up the three little steps to the raised area in the Concert Room. She sat facing the door so that she could watch out for the pigmy when he came lolloping in.
Seven o'clock came and went, as did seven thirty.
"Where the bloody hell is he now? I hope he's not set fire to his arse again, or got his toe stuck down the plughole!"
She started to imagine what he might have got up to. Electrocution by Crustbuster again? Poisoning by his own cooking? Slipped in his sweaty socks on the lino and broken his leg? Maybe he'd gassed himself by farting in the small confines of the shower. No! He'd most likely gas himself under his bedclothes.
It could be any of those things.
It was seven thirty five when he made his appearance, and what an appearance it was! He came zooming through the doors in his daft outfit as if a thousand hobgoblins were driving him on this Hallowe'en Night, head down and running faster than a speeding bullet, perspiration dripping off his chin.
He nearly knocked down Myrtle in his rush to get away from whatever it was that had scared him.
"CRUSTY. I'm over here!"
On hearing his beloved Bel's voice he came screeching to a halt, scrambled up the couple of steps and plonked himself down opposite Bel with a daft lollopy grin, tongue dangling and dripping under the mask.
"Crusty are ya alreet owd lad? Wotever's to do? Has somebody been moidering ya or frikkenin' ya? Tell me lad!"
"Pant, puff, oink, snort. Pant, puff, oink snort."
"Tek that bluddy stupid looking mask off for a minute so I can see yer face!"
He whipped off the mask and she could see he was white with fear then, once he'd got his breath back, he gave her one of his daftest cheesiest grins.
"Am powfagged burram alreet now Bel (puff). Am here now aren't I and not to put too fine a poink on it, I've arrived (wheeze)!"
"Yes of course yer here, but wot were ya running away from Crusty? Ya looked scared to deeth when ya came whooshing in!"
"Oh (huff) I weren't running away from anything Bel. I were running to you!"
"I'm not with ya lad. I don't ger'it."
"Well (pant), I knew I weren't goin't mek it here in time (huff) as I'd forgetten to de-fluff me Lyril again and it took me nearly half an hour to do that (snort). Any road up that's why I'm late!"
"I didn't ask ya why you were late lad, I asked ya wot ya was scared of!"
He started tittering.
"Ya mean to tell me that a very intelligently edumacated person like you still doesn't ger'it!"
She started getting annoyed with him again, but before she could speak he let her in on the secret.
"I towd ya I were running late. I were scared ya'd be angry wi' me for being late. So wot does that equal Bel?"
"If you don't ....."
"I were running scared Bel. Now d'ya ger'it?"
He started snickering again, but it didn't last long.
"Get this, ya little gobsh!te!"
She punched him in the eye then made him put his mask back on again before anybody could see it colouring up.
"When dust Pie Aytein' Competition start Bel? Am bluddy hungry!" asked Crusty, bouncing up and down in his seat impatiently.
"I'm not sure lad. I think it starts at about nine o'clock!"
It was then that he noticed Bel's costume. He took off his mask again, unconcerned about what people might say about his black eye.
"Oh Bel. You look most beautiful tonight. Wor'a beautiful outfit! Wor'a beautiful hat! Did ya do all them by yerself Bel?"
Bel was pleased he'd noticed and that he was giving a positive reaction to her carefully planned fancy dress. She was beaming at him now, flattered that he'd taken the trouble to take notice.
"Thank you Crusty. Wot d'ya think about me witches make-up tharrave done on me face an' all?"
"Wot make-up Bel? I cawn't see any difference to wot ya normally looks like!"
She stopped beaming and blacked his other eye for that!
"Ouch! Wot wuz that fo'?"
"Theer! Now ya've gor'a matchin' pair!"
He favvered Uncle Fester off the Adams Family!
He crossed his fingers and toes under the table.
"Am sorry Bel. I gor'it wrong again. Worra meant was that ya still looks just as beautiful with or without yer make-up."
"Oh," she said, fluttering her enormous false eyelashes. "Sorry lad, burra can't un-black yer eyes now!"
"Oh that's alreet Bel. Now I've getten 'em both the same I can manage bowt me mask. It's a bugger anyway when yer tryin't ayte or sup!"
"Right then. I'm glad yer pleased I blacked both yer eyes for ya!"
They grinned at each other, and Bel went and got some drinks for them. She got a pint of orange for herself and for Crusty she bought a mineral water and lime.
"Wot's this?" he asked, poking his nose into the liquid.
"Mineral water and lime. Ya don't want to be supping ale until the competition do ya owd lad. Ya wants to save yerself!"
"Oh aye. Good idea Bel. I'll sup this then!"
They had a couple of games of bingo and then it was time for the Pie and Peas Eating Competition, which came first.
"Did ya enter the Pie Aytein' game Bel?" asked Crusty, patting his bally and slavvering at the mouth.
10-01-2012, 01:48 AM
126
Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
"No lad, I thowt I'd give this one a miss!" she replied, smirking."Will ya come an' watch me Bel, please Bel?"
"I wouldn't miss it for the world owd lad! Oh, here we go. Come on!"
The announcement was just being made for all competitors to go down onto the dance floor where tables and chairs (and pies and peas) awaited them. Crusty was first there and was about to grab a pie when the invigilator stopped him and told him he had to wait for the whistle to blow.
Surprisingly, there were only eight contestants in all, and there were some big lads sitting at those tables. There were a couple of women as well but they didn't really expect to win.
Crusty was getting agitated and had his hands poised ready for the off.
The whistle blew and off he went.
Gobble, gobble. Munch, munch. Hanch, hanch. Snort, grumph, oink, stuck piggy-like sounds!
He couldn't half shovel the mushy peas down as well, and the gas started to build up and up in his colon. The noises he was making were so awesome, even Bel looked on in disbelief and horror. While everybody was on their second plate of meat and potato pie and peas Crusty was on his sixth!
After about ten or so minutes the ladies, having managed three pies each, left the tables full to busting, and a few more minutes went by before two of the men had had enough. That left four of them and Crusty gobbled on a while longer, after which, two more lads were done in as well.
That left Crusty and Bazzer. Bazzer was also well known to have a rather larger than adequate appetite. They grumphed on a little longer still, but by now Bazzer was beginning to slow down a little bit. He was getting belly ache!
So was Crusty, but he was undeterred!
Finally, after forty minutes Bazzer was knocked out of the ring by Crusty, the Champion Pie Ayter of Old Pemberton. They had to do a re-count of how many pies he'd consumed, and the final score was forty pies in as many minutes. And let's not forget about the mushy peas as well!
The greedy owd sod!
Unfortunately, it took three of the bigger chaps to get Crusty out of his chair, and that was a struggle. He couldn't walk, so they had to drag him up onto the stage and held onto him while he received his prize of a bottle of vodka, amidst huge applause!
Crusty was then hauled back to his seat and dumped in front of Bel.
There was a break for fifteen minutes while everything was re-organised for the Beer Drinking Competition, and Crusty was beginning to feel signs of discomfort.
"Bel, Bel, help me Bel!"
"Wot's up wi' ya now. Ya won yer Pie Aytein' Competition so worra ya moaning about now?"
"I've getten't bally warch Bel!"
"I'm not surprised ya greedy owd bugger. How the hell did ya manage to ayte forty pies all by yerself, not to mention about three pound o' mushy peys. I wouldn't like to be in your bluddy bedroom toneet! Make sure ya open yer windows!"
"Practice Bel! That's how I managed t'ayte all that grub." he grinned, wincing at the same time.
"I'll go an' get ya a pint. Ya must be gaggin' after all that 'cos I never saw ya take a sip of yer water!"
"Ta Bel! Didn't have time for supping me watter!"
She brought him his pint just as the second competition was being announced.
"There ya go owd lad. Neh sup it slow, an' I'll see ya in a bit!"
"Why Bel? Where are ya goin'?"
"I'm entered in the Beer Drinking Competition!"
"Aw Bel that's not fair. Ya wouldn't let me enter that!"
"Think about it Crusty! Is there any room left in yer bally for all thar'ale an' all?"
"No Bel."
"Reet. Wait here and don't bluddy well follow me or I'll bash ya one!"
She left him sitting there holding his belly in both hands.
The Beer Drinking Competition was about to begin.
Again there were eight people, and Bel was the only woman. The men grinned at her being there, but bowed to the fact that she was game. The bar staff was pumping pints and pints of beer into glasses like there was no tomorrow. The Club wasn't paying for it. One of the major breweries had sponsored this event so the girls kept pumping and pumping, and the committee members were bringing it on as fast as it was being supped.
Bel was keeping up with the men, much to their disgruntlement, but because some of them had been supping since seven o'clock their intake was more limited.
However, Bel had only had a glass of orange all night so she was looking favourite at the moment! Crusty was agog watching his Bel swill ale like a professional, and his belly ache was beginning to subside a bit, so he began to enjoy her and shouted out her name in support.
"Come on Bel, ya can do it. This is your Crusty a-caaaalling to ya. Keep goin' owd lass, I knows ya can do it!"
On and on it went, pint after pint, and Bel wasn't even beginning to fade. Her male counterparts were getting rat-arsed and as much as they hated to admit it, she was drinking them all under the table.
The final whistle blew and all pint glasses were laid to rest on the tables. There was only one contestant still sitting up, and I don't need to tell you who that was. There were bodies everywhere. Some slumped over the tables, some in a coma on the floor, some were just sat upright with glazed eyes and mouths wide open!
There was an outright winner. Bel had drunk the most by two pints and she was still lucid! Don't get me wrong though. She was drunk alright. In fact she was as
p!ssed as a fart and her eyes were crossed, but she could still walk by herself and string a sentence together. Just! She chose a nice bottle of Burgundy as her prize and walked, rather stiffly, back to her seat to the rousing sound of more applause.
Finally, the people who were wearing fancy dress had to parade themselves around the room, so Crusty and Bel got out of their seats and joined the others who had also made some sort of feeble effort.
They all strutted around, and some of the outfits were really good, but none of the ladies costumes were a patch on Bel's. It goes without saying that she won the ladies prize and an old man dressed as Dracula won for the men. Crusty wouldn't have won anyway in his rubbishy outfit and he was past caring anyway.
The remainder of the night was more relaxed and a really good duo came on singing happy fifties and sixties songs, which Crusty bopped about to in his chair singing along with them. He knew all the lyrics (his own made up ones) and his bellyache had gone completely now.
The duo finished one song and was just introducing the next one when, all of a sudden Crusty's belly settled and he let go a ninety-decibel mushy peas and beery fart!
PAAAAAAAAAAAAR-UP!!
It was louder than Concorde going over the rooftops at a thousand feet. It rocked the whole building, and the smell was so overpowering that the people who were sitting in the immediate area leapt from their seats and sought sanctuary in the Games Room.
PAAAR-EEEEP!!
Everyone extinguished their cigarettes and lighters immediately. Pemberton is only a small community and word had got round to one and all about the rather flamboyant way Crusty served his customers at the cafe, arse a-blaze!
BRRRRIP!!
The mushy peas started doing their job and it was so unbelievably noxious that it sobered Bel up within seconds, and she too leapt out of her seat and tottered drunkenly off.
It slowly but gradually seeped throughout the rest of the room and one by one all the customers began to disappear into the Games Room, and the poor duo on stage had no choice but to wrap up their gear and head for home!
Crusty sat there on his own wondering why everybody had run off!
PAAARP!
Almost immediately the extractor fans and the "helicopter" fans had been switched on and all doors and windows opened, but it was several days before the smell finally disappeared.
Crusty finished off his pint and, having no one to talk to, he also made a move towards the Games Room.
BRRRIP!
As he entered, everybody fled in a mad panic and he was left all alone again. He couldn't see his Bel so he spoke to a brave old stalwart.
"Weer's everybody gone? Have ya seen my Bel anywhere?"
The brave old stalwart, refusing to be removed from his pint, held onto his nose tightly.
"Aye lad. Her run off and jumped into a taxi. So's everybody else by't looks of it!"
"Why?"
Paaarp!
Poor Crusty was totally oblivious to his own mephitic explosions as he was used to them. There was nothing left to do now then but to trundle off home, all alone, so he set off wishing his Bel was still there.
Paaarp, paaarp, paaarp he went as he lolloped home and, once in his little hallway, he closed the door on a world that thought he was just a ridiculous joke!
© Mollie M
11.07.02
"What make-up Bel?" that was a classic 
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