11-09-2009, 12:09 PM
1
A Couple of Groans
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that aftershave is just wonderful!"
The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.
Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You ba*****... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as
your mother."
By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.
"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."
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A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
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Two men went into a pub, ordered two beers, took some sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them.
"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub-owner.
The two men stopped, looked at each other and then swapped their sandwiches.
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