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OldGreyFox
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03-06-2020, 10:54 AM
31

Re: Smacking children

Originally Posted by Baz46 ->
Like many on here as a child I was subjected to a 'light smack' on the back of the legs for doing wrong, "it never did me any harm", which is what is usually thought. However, after a close family member went in for a career in child nursery nursing, that is learning everything about children, from birth through their development, looking after children etc., etc. my view on 'smacking' was changed. Talking with her about her career and what she was learning, one thing, a very simple thing, did stand out a mile on the subject of smacking children, something that up until then I always agreed with and was subjected to myself.

Where one child will accept that smack as 'a punishment' for doing wrong, another will see that smack as being shown, by example, that violence works – a person can make another do something they want them to do by using violence. Often what is forgotten, both in children and adults, is that we are not all the same, similar but vastly different in 'how we tick'. It's all down to our genes, how our minds work and many, many other factors. One factor that does have a very great bearing on how we develop from babies to young children, then into adults is that from birth we learn by example, everything we see and hear has a bearing on that. Put quite simply when in some instances the child that is 'smacked' is being taught that act is a punishment, in some others though that can show them violence works, it makes people do what is required so that can become part of their learning experience in upbringing and they can become violent people as adults.

That close family member has never smacked her own children and from her training has been taught that if you have to resort to smacking a child, then it is you, the adult who has failed. What should be done is to teach any child from a very young age, to recognise they have done something wrong just by using a strict, disapproving tone of voice and facial expression.

Also another very important part when it comes to even 'light smacking' is that we as adults are obviously so very much bigger than children. While for most a 'light smack' is exactly that there are those adults who do not realise their own strength or become so exasperated by the child's unacceptable behaviour, that the 'light smack' then becomes a violent blow to what is a small child.

I do know that learning the psychology of 'how we tick', as I had to at one time so as to help me understand about someone's mental health problems with depression, and then listening to how training in child care from birth into young children is undertaken, my view of 'smacking' children as being acceptable changed totally. It can and does do harm psychologically to some youngsters and while that risk is always there, as we don't know how that individual child's mind works, it's better and safer to use an alternative, readily available way of showing adult disapproval of a child's bad behaviour.
A great post Baz....
We do tend to see our young people a little out of control these days though, and you've got to wonder what is the cause....I was clipped around the ear on many occasions, but mum always had a smile on her face when she did it. In later life I realised that I deserved that clip. It wasn't so much the pain as the fact that she thought I needed it that made me think about my actions to deserve it.

It sure is a very fine line between punishment and physical abuse and even in a discussion like this people wander into the realms of extremism and therefore decide to exclude smacking as violence, abuse and cruelty. I suppose it's a knee jerk reaction to the many violent examples we see in the world today. But in my book a little fear of what might happen if you step out of line is not a bad thing, and if a child knows what the ultimate penalty will be for misbehaving, there will be no need to smack in future. We are not talking absolute fear here, just a healthy respect for pain...

I understand that some posters have not had a happy and abusive childhood and for those I'm very sorry, but this is more down to the parenting and the examples those parents have set, so it would be only natural to not want to bring your own child up in those circumstances. I suppose I've been very lucky to have had the parents I had, and if they were here today I would thank them for the amazing, humorous, rounded and tolerant adult they produced...
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03-06-2020, 11:04 AM
32

Re: Smacking children

Yep, no point anyone denying it, some people do believe this....Shit happens!

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03-06-2020, 11:28 AM
33

Re: Smacking children

I would never judge any parent for giving their child a light smack if they are being a little monster. It's not about inflicting pain it's symbolic - get their attention in a sudden and direct way. I know some people here are all for corporal punishment. I have learned my lesson and I am not even going to go there. But like it or lump it it is illegal - for anybody- to hit children in any way now. They are also not allowed to hit each other. No comments about anybody else's experience. I have never hit a kid in my life and at 68 I'm not going to start now. I never hit my son in his life and he is now a very fine 24 year old gentleman. Amen.
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03-06-2020, 03:29 PM
34

Re: Smacking children

I would point out that there are dozens of non-violent ways to teach a child that his/her bad behavior will not be tolerated. This is called "tough love". Examples: the child can lose his/her personal electronic devices such as games, stereos, tv etc. If that does not work, the next step can be the removal of their bedroom door. It is no secret that kids value their privacy, especially from younger siblings. Still not working ? Their bedroom can be locked shut and the child is made to sleep on living room sofa. The child is STILL engaging in bad behavior ? Well, most families have a pizza night or some such special kind of food. When every one else in the family is eating pizza and cokes, the stubborn child is offered something nourishing, but no fun to eat, like oatmeal and peanut butter sandwiches. Finally, as a last step, to be used as punishment for especially egregious behavior, the child is forced to live with another family, such as an aunt/uncle.
It works. I have personally seen it work with a close family.
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03-06-2020, 04:16 PM
35

Re: Smacking children

Originally Posted by bakerman ->
I would point out that there are dozens of non-violent ways to teach a child that his/her bad behavior will not be tolerated. This is called "tough love". Examples: the child can lose his/her personal electronic devices such as games, stereos, tv etc. If that does not work, the next step can be the removal of their bedroom door. It is no secret that kids value their privacy, especially from younger siblings. Still not working ? Their bedroom can be locked shut and the child is made to sleep on living room sofa. The child is STILL engaging in bad behavior ? Well, most families have a pizza night or some such special kind of food. When every one else in the family is eating pizza and cokes, the stubborn child is offered something nourishing, but no fun to eat, like oatmeal and peanut butter sandwiches. Finally, as a last step, to be used as punishment for especially egregious behavior, the child is forced to live with another family, such as an aunt/uncle.
It works. I have personally seen it work with a close family.
Wouldn't too much of that create resentfulness and hate in a child bakerman and precipitate even more anti social behaviour?...
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03-06-2020, 04:24 PM
36

Re: Smacking children

My mother only had to give us 'the look' and we ran for the hills!
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03-06-2020, 10:18 PM
37

Re: Smacking children

Originally Posted by OldGreyFox ->
Wouldn't too much of that create resentfulness and hate in a child bakerman and precipitate even more anti social behaviour?...
Interesting question. I don't have any scientific evidence one way or the other. However, there are several ways of looking at it.

1st, there are some children, especially teens, who have gone too far down the path toward anti-social behavior and there is little that can be done for them. This is especially true of drug/alcohol abusers.

2nd, on the other hand, the child can stop the "tough love" any time he/she wishes by simply complying with the rules laid down by the parents.

Ultimately, IMO it is a contest of wills between the parents and the child. If the parent(s) hold true to the course, and never allow the child to get away with breaking the rules, the parent(s) have an excellent chance of correcting the "bad behavior". However, if the parent(s) SOMETIMES enforces the rules and SOMETIMES does not, then that only makes the "bad behavior" much worse.

I can't think of any perfect analogy , but if training a dog to NOT pull your arm off when taking it for a walk, the key is to STOP walking every single time it pulls, and NOT restart walking until the dog stops pulling. Sooner or later the dog will learn. BUT, if you fail to do this EVERY SINGLE TIME THE DOG PULLS, you only reinforce the "bad behavior". The dog must learn that it can NEVER get away with the bad behavior. The dog needs a pack leader. It must never be allowed to think IT is the pack leader. YOU, THE OWNER, are the pack leader. Thus, the dog learns its place and is much happier.

Children also need a leader. Once they accept the fact that the parent is the leader they are much happier and better behaved. Obviously, the sooner they learn this the better over the long term.
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03-06-2020, 10:29 PM
38

Re: Smacking children

A Smack or Belittle, which is best, who knows? someone who has been Smacked and Belittled, then compared themselves against the mean, presumably.
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03-06-2020, 10:30 PM
39

Re: Smacking children

Sometimes, parents have no clarity of mind.
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04-06-2020, 05:44 AM
40

Re: Smacking children

I want to modify my previous post on re reading it. Beaten is the wrong word as it implies fists. My father was a big man (ex rugby player) he invariably hit me across the head with an open palm which inevitably sent me flying across the room so it was really just a smack but, as I say, when does a smack become a beating? No child should have to suffer being hit by an adult for any reason.
 
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