Re: Jokes for blokes

Re: Jokes for blokes

SMUT ALERT!

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the driver she is very ill and wants to experience sex before she dies.

The bus driver agrees to accommodate her, but the nun explains that she can't have sex with anyone who is marries as that would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he is not married.

The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she will have to take it up the arse. The bus driver agrees again. Being the only two on the bus, they go to the back of the bus and take care of business.

When they are done and he has resumed driving, he says, "Sister, I have a confession to make. I am married and have three children."

The nun replies, "That's OK. I have a confession too. My name is Dave and I'm on my way to a fancy-dress party."

Re: Jokes for blokes

A man is in hospital recovering from an operation, when a nun walks into his room. She is there to cheer up the sick and lame.

They start talking, and she asks him about his life. He talks about his wife and their thirteen children.

"My, my," says the nun, "thirteen children! A good and proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you."

"I'm sorry, sister," he says, "I'm not a Catholic, I'm Baptist."

"Baptist?" she replies. "You sex maniac!"

Re: Jokes for blokes

Sex Research for The Innocent Woman



The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most often asked questions of women (i.e.. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained herein to change their behaviour in accordance with the truths established below.



Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?

A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not emotionally confused like women.



Q: Should I have sex on the first date?

A: YES. Before if possible.



Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?

A: This is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you should do whatever he tells you without question, no matter how strange it seems at first. You will soon get used to it.



Q: How long should the sex act last?

A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly. He may go out with his friends to play golf or perhaps go to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing the laundry, cleaning the house, doing some gardening or getting a nice meal prepared for him. He'll come back when he's ready.



Q: What is "afterplay"?

A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. For the woman "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you do your chores.



Q: Does the size of the penis matter?

A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare. If by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees, thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him.



Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth

Re: Jokes for blokes

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long.

One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
and when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.


He will pull out my chair and open the door,
massage my back and beg to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
and knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"


One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
in the hall, the garden and the kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
and never attempt to shag my best friend.


And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I think of the dickhead you sent me instead.

Amen

Re: Jokes for blokes

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:

cheese sandwich £ 2.50

chicken sandwich £ 2.75

Hand Job £ 10,00



Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.



"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"



"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"


The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

Re: Jokes for blokes

Two nuns riding bicycles down a cobbled street.

One turns to the other and says, "Do you know, I've never come this way before!"

Re: Jokes for blokes

A woman visits her doctor. The doctor asks her, "Well, how can I help you, madam?" The patient blushes and the doctor says, "You can discuss any matter with me. Everything is strictly confidential."

So the patient says, "My husband complains that my pussy smells bad. Is there a cure for this?"

"Sure," the doctor says, "it can be fungus or a little infection, nothing unusual. Please undress and lie down so I can examine you and prescribe a treatment."

The woman undresses, gets up on the table and, with her legs spread, waits until the doctor attends her. He comes in, walks towards her but suddenly starts gasping for air. He covers his mouth and nose with his hand and runs out of the office.

After a minute or so, he enters again carrying a seven foot wooden stick with a metal hook on the end.

"Aaaarghhhh, what are you going to do to me?" shouts the patient.

"Nothing," says the doctor, "I'm going to open the window."

Re: Jokes for blokes

Eighty-eight year old Vern and eighty-two year old Mildred became very close to each other at their nursing home.

Although they didn't have sex, every night Mildred would go to Vern's room and they would lie in bed and watch TV while she held his privates.

One night, Mildred went into Vern's room and found another resident of the nursing home, Edith, in Vern's bed watching TV and holding his privates.

"Vern!" Mildred cried. "Is she prettier than me?"

Vern replied, "NO!"

"Does she have a better personality?"

Vern replied, "NO!"

"Then please tell me what does Edith have that I haven't?"

"Parkinson's," Vern replied.

Re: Jokes for blokes

Bought a stick deodorant today. Instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells brilliant