Crusty's Comical Capers (part two )
"Neh this is worra calls an aeroplane!" he enthused, wishing he'd brought his snack-a-mac with him. He'd left it in the Air Commodore's office in its carrier bag.
There were very few people around as it had started to shower hard and most people visiting the museum had gone indoors out of the weather.
But not Crusty! As I said, he scuttled off outside.
Well you know what's coming don't you?
You don't! Honestly?
Okay I'll tell you but you'll think I'm making it up.
Well, using the rope ladder, he clambered his way up the plane like he was scaling the North Face of Kilimanjaro and crawled into the cockpit to have a look at the controls, just like he'd done with the coach. As normal, he was fiddling with this and fiddling with that then he strapped himself into the seat just like a real pilot!
He put on the facemask, which he found on the other seat and pretended to be speaking into the radio.
"Okay. Roger. Will co. There's a bogey on yer tail!
Ba BOOM!"
This time he was pretending to be Biggles on a secret mission (more like Boggles as he wanted the toilet again, but not for a pee this time) and was pulling handles, pressing buttons, knobs and anything else that was moveable and he removed the facemask so he could see things properly.
The Air Commodore had only been in the office for ten minutes or less when he returned and had to start a search for Crusty. One of these days Crusty would get himself so lost that eventually he'd find out that he'd disappeared up his own arsehole! He was like the Scarlet Pimpernel. They seek him here, they seek him theer, they seek owd Crusty everyweer!
Alistair suddenly remembered Bel's warning after speaking with her on the phone. She'd wanted to know how Crusty was enjoying himself and if he wasn't too much for the old man. She told him also that her meeting had finished and she was just ten minutes away from the Museum.
It was all Bel's fault. If she hadn't phoned to speak to him, Alistair wouldn't have left Crusty to his own devices, thereby allowing him to get into the worst mischief he'd ever been in. And the most dangerous!
After searching for him inside he decided to look outside. At the same moment that the Air Commodore went outside to look for the elusive Crusty, Crusty had spotted a red button inside the cockpit and had wondered what it was for. Everything had been de-activated (or so it was thought) and everything had stickers on saying DO NOT TOUCH!
We all know that Crusty has trouble reading.
We all know that he can't keep his mitts to himself.
We all know that red is the colour for danger, but you all know Crusty by now! He'd pressed all the other knobs, levers and buttons without incident and had decided to leave this one to the very last while it was a different colour from the rest.
With a grin and a snicker he pressed that irresistible red button and all hell let loose!
Bel had just pulled up in her car and watched the following events.
Suddenly the canopy of the cockpit flew off and, at G-Force, he was evicted from the plane still strapped into the ejector seat! His startled face crumpled like a melted rubber mask as he flew high up into the clouds where he said "how do" to a gaggle of geese heading south for the winter, one of whom grabbed him by the nose in its beak and flung him out of its way.
Paaaa - rip!! Blobble!
Crusty was on a death roll! It wasn't as good as a cheyse roll though!!
Holding his throbbing nose he brought his knees up as close to his chin as his belly would allow, then he clung onto the ejector seat for grim death, his eyeballs were spinning and his tongue became practically prehensile as he caught flying insects on it during his journey into outer space. He favvered a UFO!
His tongue favvered one of them owd fly papers that you used to dangle from the ceiling a few decades ago, and it swung about so much that it would be hard to imagine any barm cakes being missed on a conveyor belt that was travelling at thirty miles an hour!
He quite liked it up there in the outer atmosphere on his trip toward the moon. The air was clean and fresh but it was bloody cold. He started singing at the top of his voice because he knew Bel couldn't batter him:
"He flies through the air with the greatest of ease
This stupid owd fart that is going to freeze"
Crusty could have stopped up there all day looking at the ant-like creatures rushing around down below. It was only when he stopped going up that he started to panic. He started to kid himself by flapping his arms!
"I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
Spread your wings and fly away
Think about it every night and day!"
For once in his life he'd got the words to a song right! The tune was wrong but the words were right.
He was approximately one thousand feet up in the air when another flock of birds came at him, just at the same moment when his lunch was settling, and he farted loudly and followed through, partly through fear.
Paaarp, paar-rip, blobble-blobble!
The birds came to a screeching halt in mid air and one, poor bugger who had been closest, dropped to earth gassed into unconsciousness! The rest of the family flew on to warmer climes. Poor bird was left flapping its wings on the ground and gasping for air.
He reached the highest point and, just before going into a permanent orbit around the earth, he started his descent in a flat spin. Down he zoomed, big hooter looking like the nose cone of a botched up home-made bomb, spiralling down with much faster velocity and travelling at the speed of an Exocet missile! Luckily for him his nasty owd black jacket being three sizes too big flew off into outer space and his baggy shirt, which he had on under his braces, was sucked out from where it had been tucked into his trousers.
Because of the downdraught, the shirt folded up over his head creating a poor man's parachute, and he clumsily glided for a while then fell back down to earth with a splash in a small nearby lake.
Was this the end of the Owd Black Jacket?
The old Commodore was quickly on the case. He'd seen the trajectory Crusty was taking and knew exactly where he was going to land. On impact, Alistair dived into the water to save the flailing Crusty.
He was dragged out by his braces and had a fish in his mouth when his head popped out of the water. Fortunately, the water had given him a good swishing down thereby erasing the skid marks in his knickers and the embarrassing moment in the air when he'd crapped himself.
The ambulance, which Bel had phoned for during Crusty's ascent, arrived within minutes and he was carted off to the hospital, where his right leg and left arm were put into traction!
Hitting water is just as bad as hitting concrete from a high altitude and poor Crusty was in agony and, once the doctors and nurses had finished with him, Crustabel and the Commodore came to visit him at his bedside.
"Bel, Bel am a commode Bel!" said Crusty, who was now comfortable in bandages and traction.
He was making sure everyone could hear him, tongue dangling out again and grinning his head off at being centre of attention again. Everyone was fussing around him, and the Commodore for carrying out yet another heroic deed.
"I've been tellin' ya thar'a p!ss pot for ages!" answered Bel dryly to Crusty's comment.
Crusty grinned away and knew that the newspapers would soon get a-hold of this story and he'd be in the papers again.
"Now do you see what I mean Alistair? Didn't I warn you that he wasn't safe to be left on his own for even one second!"
"You did indeed dear Crustabel, and I am so very sorry. I only left him to go to the office when you phoned me!"
"So what you're saying is it's my fault that he's in this condition?" she sighed.
"Oh no Crustabel, not at all. I should have got someone else to stay with him!"
"I shouldn't have fetched him here in the first place!"
They both shook their heads and sighed again.
Crusty's head had been swivelling, like his neck was on a ball joint, from one to the other as each had spoken in their turn.
"So wor'appens now then Bel?"
"Well you're going to have to stay here for about a week, or two, Crusty and then I'll get you transferred to Wigan Infirmary when you're fit to travel!"
"Burrall not be able't walk Bel, not for ages! Wor'about me lickle job?"
"I know lad, don't worry about it. I'll get a plane to take you home and I'll speak to Jim at the cafe!"
"A plane Bel? Yer not gerrin me in another plane! The last one clod me out, that's why I'm here!"
"Do you know Crusty, it must be a real strain on your one and only brain cell! A bloody amoeba's probably got more sense! The reason you're here is because one, you didn't behave yourself, two, you started meddling with stuff you knew nothing about and three, because you're a stupid old fart. That's the reason you're here. Now then, what sort o' flowers do you like best Crusty and I'll fetch you some?"
"Cauliflowers Bel!"
"You see what I mean Commodore?"
He nodded his head sadly.
Bel and the Commodore shook their heads as they looked down upon the Crusty and sighed once more!
© Mollie M
22.03.02