Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)
2
Crusty - A Lonely Old Man
(and Is It Any Wonder)?
His mind drifted off in time as he remembered things in his recent past, before he met his darling Bel.
Crusty shifted and grunted in sleep then suddenly one bleary piggy little eye flirted open in alarm.
"Wot's'appenin', wot's gooin' on?"
Then he heaved a sigh of relief. It was just a dream but one of the worst he'd ever had. He'd dreamt that there was a national bread strike! The makers of bread, pies and cakes having a strike? That wasn't a dream. It was a nightmare!
"Wor'an 'orrible dream. It dun't bear thinking about having't do without a butty or a pie! I mit as weelt cut me own throat! Am always having daft dreams me!"
Paaarp!
"Oops! Phew, wor'a pong! Am goin't 'ave't stop aytein' them mushy peys!"
He waited another five minutes then, unable to stand the smell any longer, shambled out from under his moth-eaten eiderdown and felt underneath the bed for his smelly socks and slippers. He put on the rest of his less than clean clothes and his old blue jumper then was ready for the day.
It didn't occur to him to go for a wash! It never does, so he went downstairs and put on the kettle and had some toast, then he turned on his beloved Macaroni radio only to hear his favourite lady country singer, Crustle Gayle.
Crusty adores music and the next song to come up was another favourite, The Crustle Chandeliers and he sang along to it, making his own words up as he went along.
"Int'it funny how a lorra songs and singers have the word crust in 'em, just like my name? It's proper funny thar'is!"
He finished his cup of tea and toast and headed off for the little cafe where he works part time clearing dishes and so on from ten till one. For his services he receives a mug of tea and a pie, chips and mushy peas meal for lunch, but he knew he could always have a nibble on the leftovers from the customers' plates whilst working. There was always the odd chip and a bit of pie-crust left over, so the toast would put him on for another hour or so!
Crusty is never happy unless his belly's full!
Walking past his local church he heard the strains of Bread of Heaven, which is one of the hymns Crusty loves to hear. It's only a Saturday in July, but the Harvest Festival rehearsals are already in full swing and again he sang along to the hymn.
Bread of Heaven, Bread of Heaven
I could ayte another loaf ....
A - no - ther loaf
I could ay - te a-another loaf!
Wor'a bluddy racket! The townsfolk clapped their hands to their ears!
"I wonder wor'it's like back on't Sandwich Islands where I were born all them years ago. I'd love't go back for an 'oliday so if I wins lottery toneet pr'aps that's worrall do, burra wouldn't know weer't start off from! I think it's a long way away from worra can remember!"
Whilst at work he had to run the gauntlet of unkind people making references to the smell which always accompanies him.
"Why don't ya ger’a bluddy good wash!" were some of the kinder remarks or "Ya stinks like a bluddy owd cowshed! Ger’a bluddy shower when ya gets wom ya nasty owd gobsh!te!"
"Sorry owd lad. I will when'a get wom! I forgot have a wash this morning!"
"Aye well, ger'it done. Ya shuddn't be anywhere near bluddy food! We'll end up wi't bally warch 'cos o' thee!
Paaarp!
"Phew! Ya nasty owd bugger!"
"Sorry!"
The cafe owner had been seriously thinking about getting rid of Crusty for a while, but somehow just hadn't got round to it, yet!
Crusty lolloped about collecting dirty dishes, dashed into the kitchen, gobbled down any leftovers, then whooshed back with a cloth to wipe the tables, always with a grin on his chops.
When he finished work at one he went straight back home, put on the radio again and scanned the TV programme guide to see what was on. There were quite a few things actually that a lonely old man with no one to talk to could watch.
Let us now enter the food-fixated mind which belongs to Crusty, and I can introduce you to his solitary brain cell!
"Neh then si' thi'! There's a film wi' young Bread Pitta in it. Or is it Pitta Bread? I can never remember!"
It's Brad Pitt, Crusty!
"Th'owd sixties sitcom Pledges Pickles with Hilda Baker and th'owd sixties cop series Highway Patrol is on an' all wi' Breaderick Crawford! I loves these owd programmes better than any o' t'others! They don't make 'em like these any more!"
Crusty scrutinised the page again.
"Hang on! Breaderick Crawford? Didn't he make biscuits at one time? Neh then si' thi' look here! Th'Owd African Queen's on again wi' Humphrey Breadcart. There's a lor'on't telly toneet for a change!"
He started to get hungry again and wondered why.
The songs were pouring out from the radio, Mouldy Old Dough, Kneads Up Mother Brown then that fabulous saxophone song Baker Street.
He had another cup of tea and nibbled on some short bread whilst scanning the telly programmes. Crusty loves cookery programmes and his favourites are the Caribean cook, Crusty Lee, I mean Rusty Lee, with her enormous sense of fun and Ainsley Harricot! The TV sitcom Bread with the Boswells wasn't really his thing, but it was quite funny. No, he would settle for the gentleness of a Disney film, Breadknobs and Breadsticks!
You see how his mind works now?
Unfortunately Crusty isn't the best reader in the world and stays clear of Shakespeare, Dickens and the Brontes, preferring a little lighter reading, like the Dandy and Beano!
This is a typical day in the life of Crusty. Doesn't do much, doesn't say much and spends most of his time alone, until he meets a certain lady later on in these tales, and then he does too much, says too much and gets himself in the most incredible scrapes you couldn't possibly imagine!
It should be borne in mind that the following tales are true and that the reader should remember at all times that Crusty's only loves are food, money, music and TV, in that order!
The problem with Crusty at this early stage of his capers is that he is relatively quiet and gets into little mischief, only caring about when his next meal is and if he can scrounge money out of people.
The real worries begin when he meets the greatest love of his life!
And the most fun!