09-10-2011, 11:39 PM
33
Re: Mollie's Poems
The Strangest Darts Match!Owd Neddy Nubbins had a bad leg
So he travelled by horse and by cart
He'd trundle in't pub with his leg all a-tremble
And the crowd would all silently part;
"Hey up you lads, yer owd Neddy's back
Landlady start pouring some ale!"
Neddy would sup with his lips all a-quiver
And the crowd would all silently pale;
Brrrip, grawp and parp owd Neddy would go
He'd tried but he just couldn't stop 'em
Landlady sniffed up and she pulled her face
And she toyed wi't th'idea to bar him;
"Sorry 'bout that, do hexcuse me please!
I've had mushy peas for me tea!
It's better off out than it is being in
Now I'll have to go't bog for'a pee!"
When Neddy came back he'd a peg on his nose
And said, "I am sad to depart
Me face has gone blue because I followed through
That was one bluddy-hell of a fart!"
He finished his ale at the bar then he went
And hobbled off back to his cart
Clenching the cheeks of his bum as he went
Before more explosions would start;
The locals all knew him as Farting Owd Ned
And everyone tried to avoid him
But five days a week he'd turn up again
With his horse that was called Seraphim;
"On second thoughts," to himself Neddy said
"I could do wi' a nice game o' darts!"
So he tethered the horse and went back in the pub
And the crowd did all silently part;
He cheerily called out "Yer Owd Neddy's back
Does anyone fancy some darts?
I've getten no money so don't think I'm funny
If I suggest playing for farts!
"We'll play for texture, and volume and smell
And quality, quantity too
But you'll get disqualified, and there is no doubt
If you let rip and then follow through!
Which one of you'll take me up on me bet
'Cos I'm sure that I really could win?
Whoever does't best un's gets free drinks all neet
Come on lads and tek it on't chin!"
None of them wanted to challenge owd Ned
He was famous for smelly emissions
He'd been thinking of patenting them in a jar
And submit them as nuclear fission;
No one was forthcoming so Ned turned again
And glumly he walked to the door,
Then a voice from the bar said "I'll take yer bet"
It were't Landlady, Fat Fanny Grimshaw!
"Just gimme a minute and then I'll be there!
Ya'll just have to wait for a bit
If I don't get to't bog, I'll lose before't start
And me floor'll be covered in sh!t!
The whole bar room shook as she trundled along
A very big woman was she
"You think that you are the King of the Trumps
But I can trump better than thee!"
Ned started to worry and wished he'd not said
As he'd never played women at farts
Ten minutes had passed and then she came back
"Okay lad, let's ger'on wi't darts!"
More interested now the crowd gathered around
A few quid they decided they'd make
They started to coin it right in at the bar
They were playing a very high stake
If only Ned knew that they'd all bet on Fan
Her prowess was of well renown
They knew she could beat him if anyone could,
And take from Old Neddy his crown
Each of the crowd were then handed a peg
To wear on their noses for't game;
Three men were chosen to referee't match
Between Fanny and Neddy the Lame!
They started to play and Fanny went first
Starting off with a hundred and five
Then in the next set she scored three straight bulls
And the crowd started to come alive;
She bounced him and trounced him and won every set
And beat him to't ground with her trumping;
It cost him a packet amidst all o't racket
But she carried on with her grumphing;
The crowd held their breath as they heard a loud grawp
A great blast from Neddy it come,
It was a rip-snorter then knew that he ought'a
Go loo-loo's to clean up his bum;
One of the lads then went up to old Ned
And said "Neh then lad, wot's to do?"
"I've crapped in my pants when I did that last fart
I've lost t' bet, because I've followed through!"
Bereft and in shame he clip-clopped back home
He'd been doing quite well, it was true
But Owd Fanny beat him, she knew she'd defeat him
It was obvious that he'd follow through;
He scrubbed at his knickers when he got back in
He'd always been good playing darts
He said "Neh then si thi!" with his face all a-blush
"I'm finished as King of the Farts!"
© Mollie M
24.05.04
10-10-2011, 12:00 AM
39
Re: Mollie's Poems
Thanks Carmen, but I visualise Mike Harding reciting them. Okay, here's the last of my poems, which will introduce you to my darling character, Crusty.
Don't know if anybody has noticed which years I wrote my stuff, but it was a long time ago. 
A Sadlyful Tale
'Twas in the land they call Mombongo
Many years ago
Lived a pigmy named the Crusty
A smelly so and so
He were just a lickle baby
When he were born that day
When Mambo went to pick him up
The tribe all heard her say;
"Wor'a bluddy ugly baby!
I'm nor'avin' any o' this
It's got squinty lickle piggy eyes
I cawn't give thar'a kiss!
"I couldn't bear to touch him
He'd drive me round the bend
With his squawkin', skrykin' and whingin'
And the smell from his arse end!"
They were laughed at by their neighbours
So they packed their bags and left,
They really couldn't stand the shame,
Of funds they were bereft
They made a raft of palm leaves
And sailed away one day
In the distance they heard him squawking
And again they heard her say;
"I'll dreyn this lickle bugger
If he doesn't shut his trap.
Hast sin the state o't gob on him
An' 'ave ya sin him crap?
"You did all the damage,
This is such a bluddy farce,
He'll pee up yer nose if you don't watch
SO YOU CAN CHANGE HIS ARSE!!"
Said poor old Egglentine to his wife
"No, no my dear not me!
I wanted us to have a girl
But they gave us this you see
"It seems that no one wanted him
Now isn't that a shame?
So I said that we'd take care of him
And Crusty would be his name!"
Her husband thought that she'd be pleased
By giving her this treat,
But that was only just before
They both could smell his feet
It really wasn't Crusty's fault
She'd made his shoes from kippers
To put upon his lickle feet
And wear them for his slippers!
"I'll shove him in this watter
He'll meet a watery grave,
Or I'll sling him o'er me shoolder
Ler'im land upon a wave!
"I'm only young and all I want
Is a lickle bit o' fun,"
And this is where Crusty's fear of water
Was said to have begun
They came upon the Dougie,
A river of toxic waste,
And just as she was pushing him in
Egglentine made great haste
"You can't do that to him my dear
As drown, he probably might!"
"I don't give a sod oh Eggy my dear
'Cos he's only a lickle ......."
(horrible person beginning with SH and ending in ITE)
And now its time to end this tale
A sad one to relate,
She and husband Egglentine
Had yet to meet their fate
They'd sailed for months without much hope
They'd sailed with heavy heart,
There was nowhere to escape to
And young Crusty sure could fart.
Gassed into unconsciousness
They drifted into reeds,
And came to three months later
When they offered up some beads
To the Wiganners who had found them
And had compassion in their hearts,
But buggered off like a flock of birds
When they smelled poor Crusty's farts!
© Mollie M
28.10.03
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