Re: Crusty's Comical Capers (part one)
3
Crusty Goes On Holiday
(and Has Reflections in a Golden Crust!)
Poor Crusty, what with Crispmus over with at last, he was feeling the effects of all the good food he'd consumed over the last fortnight. His discomfort was such that he decided to pay a visit to the doctor.
"Neh then Crusty, I've not seen thee for a bit, thank the Lord! Wor'ave ya come't see me about? Which is it this time? Arse, feet or crusticles?"
The poor doctor always dreaded Crusty coming to see him, as it was usually the one thing or the other, but on this occasion he heaved a sigh of relief.
"None of 'em. It's me bally this time. I think I've etten too much an'ave getten't bally warch!"
"Reet lad, let's have a look then."
The doctor pressed gently on Crusty’s stomach and it gurgled and rumbled.
Paaar-rip, PAAAAAARP!
Poor old Doctor Fry pinched his nose between finger and thumb and tried to waft the smell away, but it lingered for a while.
"Yes owd lad. I can see wot ya mean. I'll give ya summat to settle it down."
After he had been examined, Doctor Fry spoke to him sternly.
"Ya know summat owd fettler. Ya should go on a fruit diet for a bit. Tek an 'oliday to pep y'up a bit!"
"Aye alreet then, if that's wot ya think I should do."
Crusty got upset about this though. Fruit? He loved his meat!! What Doctor Fry hadn't realised though that Crusty wasn't fit to be let loose round his own home-town, never mind go abroad on holiday, alone!
Crusty started thinking about where to go on his hols, as he had by now amassed sufficient funds and, as the doctor had suggested a fruit diet, he thought he'd go to New Yorkie as someone had told him there was a big apple there.
Daft sod!
He somehow managed to book his holiday and flew from Liverpool by Panham Airlines.
Let me just say at this point that Crusty going away on holiday, alone, was an exceptionally bad idea. He had terrible trouble finding his own front door! However, he arrived in New Yorkie and immediately began his search for the big apple. As he was flush at the moment, he made a decision that he would take a trip to Las Vegas. He went there for a few days and gambled away on the flapjack table. He won a few times too - he was on a roll.
Oh, I forgot to mention. Whilst Crusty was at the airport he had to check in his bags, but was way over the weight limit, so had to choose which bag to leave behind. They were very important bags too. It was a difficult choice. He left the bag behind containing his clothes and took the most important one - the bag with all his butties and pies for the journey. After all, how many clothes did one man knead! He had his old blue jumper on and other necessities so he'd made the right choice in the end. The things he was wearing would stay "clean" for a week!! Crusty didn't make use of his washing machine much and rarely used his bath or shower, but he often wondered why he spent so much of his time alone!
He really enjoyed that holiday and goodness knows how he got there and back in one piece, but as a result he'd got the bug for travel. He would go somewhere else later in the year and, on his return, decided to book one right away. Where to go though, there were so many plaices?
There was Kos in Grease (he didn't mind a bit of lettuce on rare occasions). Then there was Eataly with the Leaning Tower of Pizza. Also, there was Holland - he loved their pies and puddings. The list was endless: Sweetzerland, Bredidorm, Madeira - he didn't mind a bit of cake either. In fact he didn't mind a bit of anything as long as it was edible.
He made a decision. A lot of people in the Club went to Bredidorm in Spain and had told him it was great, so he booked his holiday with Thomas Cook and was told that on his arrival his rep's name would be Juaneata!
He was looking forward to that! He soon changed his mind when he saw her though. No wonder they called her Juaneata. She only had one tooth - right in the middle, which must have made eating a bit difficult.
He'd only bean gone a week and was glad to get home to his beloved Macaroni radio and Pye telly. Phew! He was cream crackered after all that and thought he might watch a bit of telly again. It was his favourite past time after all. It was his ONLY past time! What was on offer tonight?
He forgot all about putting his clothes into the washer when he got back from Spain, and it would be several weeks before he remembered that they were still festering away in his carrier bags under the bed!
"Neh then, let's havva look and see worra can watch toneet!" he grinned, snuggling up in his chair.
Once again he scanned the magazine.
"Oh aye. Thar'owd soap's started up again - Crustroads. I never liked thar'in't first place!"
He didn't like soap operas. He didn't like soap full stop!
There was yet another old film on with The Three Stewges. He thought they were just plain daft. He put on BBC2 to see what they could come up with. There was an opera on - The Marriage of Fig-a-roll, but opera was one thing he just couldn't stand.
He really must get a new telly from somewhere. He'd ask around to see if anybody had one they didn't use and that they could give him. This was an old black and white Pye and was long past its best. His radio wasn't much better really but it had been a good make in its time - a Macaroni! It was a Marconi really but Crusty got everything wrong, not being the best reader in the world as I've already mentioned!
He settled on watching the Pie at Night with Patrick Moore who was describing our Galaxy - the Milky Way.
"Am gerrin bluddy hungry again. I cawn't understand it bur’every time I turn me telly on I ger'ungry."
He tried to stay on his diet and was so successful one time that he thought he'd try the Marathon. It didn't last long though - he got hungry and ate it!
Once again, he made his way to the kitchen and found some corn on the cob. He didn't fancy that right now. Suddenly a large grin appeared on his face. Of course! It was Pancake Tuesday. He paused momentarily then, shrugging his shoulders muttered to himself.
"Oh sod the diet!" he moaned, and started breaking eggs for the pancakes, tongue dangling and dribbling.
He was now halfway through his second bottle of Lambrusco which somebody had given him and was getting pie-eyed, and his stomach started doing a war dance again.
It wasn't too long after that, that he had to return to the doctor. He had developed a red rash on his arms. The poor doctor, relieved that it was only his arms this time, wrote out a prescription for him and told him to rub the cream in every day.
From the doctor he went to the cash dispenser for some dough as he was going on a date that day. The first time he saw her it was love at first bite. They'd met in the cafe where Crusty worked.
She picked him up in her car and told him they were going to the The Lakes for the day. After about an hour or so Crusty started getting suspicious and tackled her.
"Why's it taking so long to go for some cakes? Weer are we goin' for 'em?"
His hearing was getting worse, he admitted.
"I didn't say we were going for some cakes, Crusty! I said we were going to The Lakes, ya daft owd pie-can!"
"Oh!"
When they got there they were both hungry so they decided to go to a little cafe and they had a pot of tea and some toasted teacakes. As they were leaving she stopped at the cash till and paid. It will become apparent later on in these tales just how tight Crusty is! They then went for a walk round the lovely streets and shops and could smell the fresh aroma of newly baked bread coming from somewhere and, like the Bisto advert, Crusty's nose started twitching and followed the smell to a bakery down the road. You couldn't beat it.
On the way home she turned on the car radio and out came Julie Andrews with the sickly sweet "Dough, a deer a female deer". She switched it off again.
"Wot d'ya fancy doing when we get home Crusty?" she asked, with a twinkle in her eye.
"Wor'about a nice neet in watching telly. It's cheppest as ickle cost me nowt!"
"Ya tight sod!"
She resigned herself and plonked down in the chair Crusty always reserved for himself. She was already getting tired of his half-baked ideas but at least they would be alone.