Am I being unfair?

My friend and I have known a 95 year old man for many years, he is now been in a residential home not far from us for a couple of years, we used to go to see him every so often together , but now my friend is making excuses not to go , she says she feels depressed after visiting the home.I have gone on my own a couple of times and he always asks how she is. It makes me angry that she wont put herself out to see him,he has no family ,only a few friends. I too feel sad and depressed when I visit, he is a lovely gent,and I feel my friend could /should make the effort to visit him ,we dont go regularly or often, although both in our 70's /80's we are both younger than him, and he cant get out of the home .Am I being unfair expecting her to visit ?

Re: Am I being unfair?

Well done to you for continuing the visits Deylon, but I can understand how your friend feels, some of the homes would put years on you and are very depressing. Pity he can’t get out and get a change of atmosphere in the nice weather.

Re: Am I being unfair?

You cannot help how you feel so you are not being unfair but equally she cannot help how she feels either so best to keep going alone and enjoy the time you have with the gentleman.

Re: Am I being unfair?

I don't think you're being at all unfair Deylon.
What your friend has done is to abandon this elderly gentleman when visits like yours obviously mean a lot to him. You say you've both known him for many years, how do you think he feels about people no longer bothering with him?
I'd tell your friend that it's not about her it's about him, and as he asks after her the least she can do is put herself out once in a while and go visit.
Sorry, but I think hers is a shallow and rather selfish attitude.

Re: Am I being unfair?

i don't think she being selfish or you unfair. She may not be able to face him in the knowledge he is confined to that home or what is inevitable for all of us.

Re: Am I being unfair?

I was about to say the same Mesco m, she may not be as strong emotionally as you Deylon. It could be upsetting for him too if she cried or something.
Whenever I've been in hospital I tell family not to visit as I find it stressfull on both sides of the bed.
When my parents died, both times I got so distressed, I missed the end as I had bronchitis and was too ill to visit. It affects us all differently.

Re: Am I being unfair?

I agree Ruthio.

This is when you know who your friends are. You have to put a front on sometimes in life. The shoe might be on the other foot eventually and how would you feel? I'm just glad none of my friends are as selfish.

Re: Am I being unfair?

One day we'll all be in this situation! And to the end of someone's life it is good to know that someone still care's.... x

Re: Am I being unfair?

Well I understand this woman too well
I understand depression can take over if you're not careful
Looking out for someone is taking its toll on me, I'm very down about it, I'm taking all the angst she feels on meself
Your friend 'cannot' help how she feels and I feel for her because she has to face the fact every day ..................You can cope Deylon - she cannot

Re: Am I being unfair?

Life isnt fair..

We all have bounderies and limits. What one person takes in their stride another finds an impossible burden.

Is it possible your friend sees her future every time she visits? Is being in a home her greatest fear?
Have you asked?

Maybe its not that she doesnt want to but that she cannot bring herself to face her own demons.