28-06-2015, 01:37 PM
21
Re: Am I being unfair?
Originally Posted by Patsy
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Me too - when you and others are so 'quick' to judgeI'm done
Originally Posted by deylon
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My friend and I have known a 95 year old man for many years, he is now been in a residential home not far from us for a couple of years, we used to go to see him every so often together , but now my friend is making excuses not to go , she says she feels depressed after visiting the home.I have gone on my own a couple of times and he always asks how she is. It makes me angry that she wont put herself out to see him,he has no family ,only a few friends. I too feel sad and depressed when I visit, he is a lovely gent,and I feel my friend could /should make the effort to visit him ,we dont go regularly or often, although both in our 70's /80's we are both younger than him, and he cant get out of the home .Am I being unfair expecting her to visit ?
Others don't agree. (See above) That's fine, surely exactly what you'd expect when you pose a dilemma to a mixed forum.
28-06-2015, 05:47 PM
23
Re: Am I being unfair?
The home is quite a nice one,there is a conservatory we usually sit in where we can be private, the staff bring tea and biscuits,there is also a garden when the weather is nice,true a lot of the residents sit and doze,but there is usually something going on for them ,a quiz,exercise,sing along.But as you say maybe it makes my friend upset and see her future,only its easier when there are two of us to find something to talk about28-06-2015, 06:31 PM
24
Re: Am I being unfair?
Originally Posted by deylon
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The home is quite a nice one,there is a conservatory we usually sit in where we can be private, the staff bring tea and biscuits,there is also a garden when the weather is nice,true a lot of the residents sit and doze,but there is usually something going on for them ,a quiz,exercise,sing along.But as you say maybe it makes my friend upset and see her future,only its easier when there are two of us to find something to talk about
29-06-2015, 09:42 AM
25
Re: Am I being unfair?
Maybe your friend could write a short chatty letter for you to take with you. He would then not feel that he is being forgotten by her. It doesn't have to be pages long, just enough to let him know what she has been doing and that she is thinking of him.This is a difficult situation as you are trying to do what is best for the old gent and not feel frustrated by your friend.
29-06-2015, 07:17 PM
27
Re: Am I being unfair?
Interesting views here,The reason I get upset is because I feel for the man,if my friend doesnt come he asks about her ,so what do I say ? Last time I just said she couldnt come and left it there , but I wont be able to keep saying that.It is no use her writing a note to him as his eyesight is not good. When my SIL went into a home my nephew said people stopped visiting her,I dont want this to happen to my dear old friend30-06-2015, 07:44 PM
29
Re: Am I being unfair?
I spoke to my friend today and the subject came up, I said to her that I am going to make a regular time to visit him,I said I dont like seeing him there but I dont want him to think wed forgotten him ,my friend just replied that she isnt forgetting him. I think a lot of her she is a caring person but will not put herself out to do something she does not want to do [ Do it later type,] she doesnt seem to realise she could be upsetting the old man, as ,in her mind she will go ' sometime.' She is not a deep thinker either.I feel so frustrated as I dont want him hurt ,but it seems I can do nothing30-06-2015, 07:58 PM
30
Re: Am I being unfair?
I'm sorry you're having this problem.I think that making a regular commitment as you've described is exactly the right thing to do. It shows you to be a lovely caring person who is capable of putting this elderly gentleman's needs first occasionally.
I repeat what I said previously, though I realise that others don't agree, that so long as you are getting on with it she will sit back and let you.
It's all very well for her to say she hasn't forgotten him, but how is he meant to know that?
It's so true that actions speak louder than words.
The only other suggestion I can come up with to call her bluff, as it were, seeing as she has now softened and said she will go " sometime" (though I don't believe that for a minute) is to ask her if she would be willing to do alternate visits with you.
That way he doesn't feel dumped and you share the burden.
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